March is a great month to get fat and stay unhealthy. We’re not referring to the corn dogs or nachos you’ll be consuming during march madness either. We’re talking about the mass consumption of girl scout cookies.
Every time you enter a grocery store you have to battle demons when it comes to the candy section in the check out aisle. The good news is, you can focus on the giant mole lingering on the check out lady’s upper lip - just long enough to get the fuck out before you buckle down and grab that snickers bar.
Unfortunately you can’t display the same type of willpower when it comes to a flock of girl scouts parked outside the sliding doors. Honestly, is it even possible to tell a five year old with pigtails that you don’t want any of her cookies?
For our non-American readers: Imagine the best shitty junk food you can purchase at Oktoberfest - Now instead of having it served under some tent by dude with a Fu Manchu mustache, picture a little girl rolling up on you…”If you buy this delicious snack it will help me and my family and baby Jesus and my sick pony, danke!” Brutal right?
We’d like to propose a few small changes to help our fellow Americans not get any fatter.
1) Location - Girl scouts may not be within 50 feet of the sliding doors at any supermarket. If you can avoid eye contact, you’re home free.
2) Facial expressions - Girls scouts are not permitted to make /sadface if someone tells them that they won’t be buying cookies.
3) MILFs - Hot moms with halter tops are not allowed to participate at all. I’m speaking right now directly to the mother of little Ashley who had the big fake tits. WTF am I going to do with 6 boxes of thin mints?
If we all do our part, we can start pulling the reigns on America’s obesity issue.
Also for those of you who are like “But I like calling you guys fat fuck and cheeseburger belly in various online forums mate” - We understand that, but if you don’t support us here, we’re all going to be dead. You can’t make fun of someone if they’re dead right?
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