Dubai 'sex on beach' woman to face court

Michelle Palmer at the brunch where she got drunk. She now faces up to six years in jail

A British woman caught having drunken sex on a beach in Dubai is to be charged with three offences, police said yesterday.

Michelle Palmer faces up to six years in jail if found guilty of having a sexual affair, public indecency and insulting a police officer.

Prosecutors have yet to decide what charges - if any - will be laid against Kent businessman Vince Acors, the man she romped with on the sand of Jumeirah beach after an all-day drinking binge.

Miss Palmer, 36, a publishing manager from Peterborough, will face a Dubai court once she has been formally charged. She has already been sacked from her £28,000-a-year tax-free job with ITP Publishing.

Miss Palmer and Mr Acors, 34, met eight days ago at a weekly champagne brunch at Le Meridien hotel in Dubai, which is something of a tradition among expats.

Extremely drunk a few hours later, Miss Palmer went for a walk along the shore with her companion, a telecoms firm director from Bromley who has a son of seven.

A police officer spotted the couple having sex on the sand and let them off with a caution. But they ignored the warning and were arrested when the officer returned to the scene.

According to police sources, Miss Palmer launched an angry tirade at the policeman after being disturbed for a second time. She is alleged to have hurled abuse and tried to hit him with her high-heeled shoe before being restrained and taken to a cell

Vince Acors and Michelle Palmer romped on the beach

Sex outside marriage is illegal in the Islamic federation of the United Arab Emirates. Dubai police chief Major General Khamis Mattar al Mazeina said: 'The United Arab Emirates has certain traditions and values and is an Islamic country.

'It does not tolerate such behaviour and everyone must respect our culture as we respect theirs.'

Police are so concerned about the city's drunken daytime parties that they are intending to mount a special 'brunch patrol' to catch misbehaving Britons.

Jumeirah Beach in Dubai - where Michelle Palmer was caught having sex

Undercover officers will be posted in hotel restaurants on Friday afternoons, a time when most local Muslims are at the mosque but the top hotels host lavish parties - and most of the trouble occurs.

Yesterday the party went on at the hotel where Miss Palmer's troubles began.

Even in Dubai, a city legendary for its excess, brunch at Le Meridien is a byword for alcoholic over-indulgence. Bored British, Australian and American expats gorge themselves on all-you-can-drink champagne from midday.

Expat entertainment: Another champagne brunch at Le Meridien Hotel, Dubai

It is not hard to work out the appeal of Le Meridien's brunch offering.

For just over £50, you are served as much Taittinger champagne as you can possibly drink. Or spend an extra £9.50 and you can drink a never-ending glass of Bollinger.

To soak up the alcohol, there is an enormous buffet featuring glistening mounds of lobster, seared beef and kangaroo steaks.

From the start, there is a raucous party atmosphere. The champagne stops at 3.30pm ... just as a four-and-a-half hour long 'happy hour' starts at the bar.

As the early afternoon draws on, and the disco and rock music grows louder, the event inevitably degenerates into an all-out disco.

Yesterday, yards away in the hotel's lobby, a family of traditionally dressed Emiratis quietly sipped tea, no doubt inured by now to the chaos surrounding them.

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Lightning Strikes Woman As She Is Shooting Video

Jessica Lynch was shooting video of a rain storm and was suddenly struck by lightning, capturing it all on video. Luckily she wasn’t injured, just a bit shook up.

From what i understand, it went through my left hand holding the camera, crossed my back and exited out of my right hand holding onto the metal railing. No entry or exit wounds, just a really good zap!

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Man faces 20 years for keeping sex slave in basement

By Michael Manekin
San Mateo County Times

REDWOOD CITY — A Daly City man accused of housing a teenage girl in the basement of his parents' home and molesting her hundreds of times will face up to 20 years in prison after copping a plea on Wednesday to more than a dozen felony counts of child abuse and domestic violence.

John France Gonzales, a 23-year-old former pharmacy technician, had been charged with 142 felonies, including more than 100 counts of child abuse, many involving sodomy and oral copulation.

Prosecutors slapped Gonzales with every possible felony count to hold him accountable for more than 500 occasions of sexual conduct with the victim, according to Morley Pitt, San Mateo County's assistant district attorney.

But the district attorney's office had always planned to reduce the multiple felony charges against Gonzales as long as he accepted responsibility for his criminal behavior, Pitt said.

Prior to the plea bargain, Gonzales faced up to 132 years in prison, according to the prosecutor. Now he will spend no more than 20 years in prison.

"It's a fair resolution that will enable the victim to hopefully move on with her life and not face the terrible specter of having to testify and relive what went on in her life when she was a teenager," Pitt said.

Gonzales met the girl in 2000, when she was 10 years old and living in San Bruno with her aunt, whom Gonzales was dating, according to former defense attorney Jeffery Neubarth.

Prosecutors say hat Gonzales molested the girl for the first time when she was 12 and maintained his relationship with the girl for several years while she lived in San Bruno and with her grandmother in Healdsburg.

Gonzales allegedly took the girl from her grandmother's home in August 2005 and told her that she could not return, eventually moving her into a bedroom at his parents' Daly City home in October 2005, according to prosecutors.

The victim's grandmother had filed a missing persons report in August, shortly after her granddaughter was taken away by Gonzales. But the girl remained in the home of Gonzales' parents for at least one year.

Gonzales' parents were unaware that the girl was living in their home, according to Chief Deputy District Attorney Steve Wagstaffe, because they lived upstairs and never visited the bottom portion of the house.

Neighbors also denied knowledge of the situation, claiming they never saw a teenage girl at the house, Wagstaffe said.

Gonzales' brother was aware that the girl was living in his family's home, but he thought the girl was living in the basement of her own free will, Wagstaffe said. Prosecutors have not charged his brother with a crime.

The girl remained with Gonzales until October 2006 when Gonzales' parents' home was foreclosed on, forcing Gonzales to move out and return the girl to her family. A few weeks after returning home, she told members of her family of her ordeal.

The victim, who prosecutors say initially went willingly to Gonzales' home, reportedly told authorities she and Gonzales had sexual relations more than 500 times in five counties.

The District Attorney's office never charged Gonzales with kidnapping because the girl went to his house on her own volition, said Wagstaffe.

Gonzales believed that he and the girl had been "happy together," sharing a relationship that was "almost" like boyfriend and girlfriend, according to former defense attorney Jeffrey Neubarth.

The victim is currently living with her family, prosecutors said.

Gonzales, who remains in custody in lieu of $1 million bail, is expected to return to Superior Court on July 23 for a hearing to set his sentencing date.

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How to Approach the Sensitive Question: Anal?

By Michael Ian Black
Gentlemen, this is a problem so many of us have experienced: How to ask a young lady if she likes it in the pooper. From my personal experience, if you simply ask your date (particularly if it's a first date), you're most likely going to be met with, at best, nervous giggles, and at worst, a steely gaze followed by a request to be let off the back of your bicycle.

Why is this? I believe it's because "society" frowns upon this form of intercourse, even though 9 out of 10 women prefer it. (Like most other facts in my book, I just made that up.) Why do I put "society" in quotation marks? Because what is "society?" It's you and me, and the only way we are going to change "society" is by taking an active role in dispensing with the embarrassment and shame of putting your wiener in some chick's butt.

How do we do this? As loving men, how do we approach the sensitive question: Anal?

There are a couple of different methods. The most common is what I call "the accidental method." Simply put, you wait until you are about to have intercourse. Then, you "accidentally" put it in her rear end. When she says, "That's the wrong hole," you say, "There's nothing wrong about it." From that point, it should be obvious how she wants you to proceed.

I don't recommend this approach because it catches the lady off guard and, if for some reason, she does not want to proceed in the prescribed manner, it necessitates you either cleaning yourself off or "double dipping," which is not a good idea for hygienic reasons.

Another approach is the "finger twaddle." I call it that because "twaddle" is a very funny word. This is a multi-stage process. First, during foreplay, spend some time fondling her tush. If she responds positively, insert your pointer finger, a maneuver I call "the twaddle." Twaddle around in there a little. She likey? Great. Now, as you twaddle, whisper the following in her ear. "Roll over, baby." The rest should take care of itself.

Maybe you're one of those guys who likes to lay down the rules of the road before the evening progresses to coitus. As I mentioned before, simply posing the question in a straightforward manner rarely achieves the desired result. Instead, try asking in an indirect way.

Perhaps you've just enjoyed a romantic dinner together (I suggest Red Lobster). The evening is going well, and you suspect the two of you might end up in bed together later in the evening. Great. Here's what you do: Order dessert. (If you take my suggestion of Red Lobster, I further suggest "The Chocolate Wave.") When your Chocolate Wave arrives, spoon some of that gooey concoction into her mouth, and say, "I wish this gooey concoction was my wang, and I wish your mouth was your butt." If she says, "I wish that, too," you'll know where you stand. If she says, "That's disgusting," you can easily say, "I was just kidding." Or, less convincingly, you could try, "I think you misunderstood me." But that's not the kind of thing that's easily misunderstood.

If this is still too direct, take her on a long walk through a nature conservancy or arboretum. While strolling among the flora and fauna, take her hand in yours and say something like, "I'm having a great time. I'd like to know everything about you." Women love to hear that. Next, ask her a series of utterly meaningless questions: "What are your hopes and dreams?" "Have you ever been in love?" "What's the worst tragedy that's ever befallen you?" Etc., etc. As you are "listening," slowly wrap your arm around her waist, and slide your hand down to the small of her back. Continue talking until you decide the moment is right for an "over-the-pant finger twaddle." This is accomplished by lightly caressing her anus in a "sympathetic manner." How do you caress somebody's anus sympathetically? Brother, if I have to tell you that, you need more help than I can offer.

Another tactic I have found helpful in the past is the tried and true, "I have a friend who ... " scenario. The way this works is pretty self-explanatory. While talking, mention that you have a friend who would like to fuck her in the ass. If she asks who, say "You don't know him," then quickly follow up with, "Isn't that so funny?" If she says anything other than, "That's disgusting," then I think you can safely assume that she will respond positively to those three magic words, "Roll over, baby."

As you can see, there is no one way to deal with this perpetually vexing situation. Instead, try a variety of the techniques outlined above. Trust your intuition. And if, by chance, you find yourself with a woman who doesn't like it in the rear, don't despair. While anal sex is an important consideration when considering a mate, it's important to remember that it's not the only consideration. Remember, over time, even the tightest tush will wear out, but a warm heart never will.

*I confined this essay to the heterosexual community, as I don't know the protocols for the other half, although I suspect the conversation usually goes something like this:
"Wanna ass fuck?"
"Yes, I do."

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