Carson City Council SMACK - www.gimmie.tv

2,433 Unread Emails, I feel your pain..

This gem of a post recently popped up in my Techmeme/TechCrunch RSS feed. its Michael Arrington lamenting the hassle/aggravation/frustration of having to deal with a daily onslaught of thousands of emails.

Michael, I feel your pain. Making my email readily available seemed like a really smart thing to do when I first bought the Mavs in 2000. In hindsight, it was a huge mistake. Now of the thousand plus emails I get in a day, a hundred may be of the "You Suck" variety. Another 100 or so are of the "I want " variety. I would say that less than 20pct of the emails I get in any given day are truly of any interest and value to me and 99pct of those are from employees.

The good news is that I have a filter system setup so that I can push emails from people I already know or do business with into folders that I know are of relative importance.

Yet, I still trudge through the emails from the sports people who want to rant for the sake of ranting, giving them the shortest of glances, just in case they truly are a customer of the Mavs with a valid issue. I still glance at the "I want" emails, just in case there is something of truly redeeming value.

Unfortunately, there is one element of email that I have been forced to give up on. I have emails going back to the 1980s. Starting in about 1994, I have as many emails as I have been able to save as possible, up until about 12 months ago.

I had always wanted to keep each and every email I ever got figuring that it would be a history of my life that my kids and their kids could look back at just as I loved to look at old postcards, letters and pictures of my parents and grandparents. I kept as much as I could. I would estimate that I am well past 1mm emails in aggregate to date.

But as people got broadband, they started sending bigger and bigger attachments. So the attachments were the first thing to go. Then as people added mobile email, the volume exploded. Everything became email worthy. Which took my email files to sizes they have never been before. In fact, the biggest hassle in dealing with all of this is the 4gbs limit to copying files in Windows platforms. Zipping works, most of the time, but not all and the not all times make it not worth risking

So I started breaking them into smaller and smaller files, which just made things harder to manage and find. Even with indexing software out there.

And as far as moving everything over to my mac ? Entourage ? Setting up rules in Entourage or any mac mail i have tried takes an eternity. Try recreating more than 1k rules. Even trying to set them up as they come in hinders my productivity to an unacceptable level. So now I survive with my Windows Mail Server Box and my laptops taking in only current email.

So Michael, I feel your pain. The idea of living "The Email Life" worked so well for so long. Now, each day I say goodbye to my little email friends, I feel like Im cheating the future.


So now I just keep what I need to keep. HDNet, Mavs, 2929 stuff that I need to have available for reference.

Its kind of disapp

Original here

Man declared dead, says he feels 'pretty good'

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma (AP) -- Zach Dunlap says he feels "pretty good," four months after he was declared brain dead and doctors were about to remove his organs for transplant.

Zach Dunlap, 21, said he has no recollection of his crash.

Dunlap was pronounced dead November 19 at United Regional Healthcare System in Wichita Falls, Texas, after he was injured in an all-terrain vehicle accident. His family approved having his organs harvested.

As family members were paying their last respects, he moved his foot and hand. He reacted to a pocketknife scraped across his foot and to pressure applied under a fingernail. After 48 days in the hospital, he was allowed to return home, where he continues to work on his recovery.

On Monday, he and his family were in New York, appearing on NBC's "Today."

"I feel pretty good. but it's just hard ... just ain't got the patience," Dunlap told NBC.

Dunlap, 21, of Frederick, Oklahoma, said he has no recollection of the crash.

"I remember a little bit that was about an hour before the accident happened. But then about six hours before that, I remember," he said.

Dunlap said one thing he does remember is hearing the doctors pronounce him dead.

"I'm glad I couldn't get up and do what I wanted to do," he said.

Asked if he would have wanted to get up and shake them and say he's alive, Dunlap responded: "Probably would have been a broken window that went out."

His father, Doug, said he saw the results of the brain scan.

"There was no activity at all, no blood flow at all."

Zach's mother, Pam, said that when she discovered he was still alive, "That was the most miraculous feeling."

"We had gone, like I said, from the lowest possible emotion that a parent could feel to the top of the mountains again," she said.

She said her son is doing "amazingly well," but still has problems with his memory as his brain heals from the traumatic injury.

"It may take a year or more ... before he completely recovers," she said. "But that's OK. It doesn't matter how long it takes. We're just all so thankful and blessed that we have him here."

Dunlap now has the pocketknife that was scraped across his foot, causing the first reaction.

"Just makes me thankful, makes me thankful that they didn't give up," he said. "Only the good die young, so I didn't go."

Original here

Sorte Danada

How Hitler Would Have Rebuilt Berlin

The dome of the Great Hall is pictured at the exhibition Myth Germania in Berlin. The exhibition shows pictures, plans and architectural models of the Great Hall and the north-south axis designed by Hitler's architect Albert Speer during the Nazi regime.

It's one of those spine-chilling what-ifs. What if Hitler and his helpers had been successful in their aggressive striving for world power? A new exhibition in Berlin attempts to answer this question in part by looking at the devastating architectural consequences Hitler's success would have had for the German capital.

In close collaboration with his confidant and architect of choice, Albert Speer, Hitler sought to cast his megalomania in concrete by radically reshaping the city's center. His dystopian World Capital Germania, in the Fuehrer's own words, would "only be comparable with ancient Egypt, Babylon or Rome. What is London, what is Paris by comparison!"

The plans included the construction of two main boulevards, 120 meters (131 yards) wide and running cross-shaped through the city, lined with a number of gigantic buildings, halls, squares and triumphal arcs.

"If the plans had been realized," says spokesman Sascha Keil, "Berlin's historical center would have forever been destroyed."

The building that best illustrates Hitler's megalomania is the so-called Volkshalle (People's Hall). Around 320 meters (350 yards) in height and covered with a giant dome, it would have been the largest domed building in the world — able to accommodate 180,000 people at once. A 3-D model of Germania, originally made for the film The Downfall, a German movie about Hitler's last days, makes its dimensions visible. The Brandenburg Gate and even the Parliamentary Building look insignificantly tiny next to the enormous proportions of the People's Hall. According to Keil, however, the building's size would have led to certain problems: "With all 180,000 seats occupied, the condensed breath of the people would have accumulated in the dome and caused a rainfall."

By locating their project right next to the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe, organizers have made sure that fascination with the grandiose nature of the buildings does not turn into admiration. But the location is wisely chosen in another regard. Looking out of the large window you can see the spot where Hitler's Reich Chancellery, constructed by Speer, used to stand. Hitler would often take a nightly stroll through its vast gardens (later, the location of the infamous Fuehrerbunker) to visit Speer in his nearby studio. The dictator and his architect would spend many nights brooding over maps and models of Germania, until eventually the war and its demand for soldiers and material forced them to delay their plans. In today's Berlin, little is left of those plans. A heavy concrete cylinder (built to test the load capacity of the sandy Berlin ground) and the Speerleuchten street lights set up on Speer's order near the Brandenburg Gate serve as reminders of the darkest period in Berlin's history. So do the Olympic Stadium and Tempelhof Airport — buildings not constructed specifically for the Germania project, but that were to be incorporated into the plans.

To make space for the mammoth constructions, Hitler and Speer relocated 100,000 people. Jewish, as well as non-Jewish Berliners, were affected by this measure: Jewish residents were deported to nearby concentration camps while non-Jewish citizens were merely moved elsewhere.

The exhibition sheds a new light on Speer's role — the architect is presented not only as a profiteer, but also an active agent in the resettlement scheme. "Hitler in Speer found a young and enthusiastic executor of his plans," says Keil. Speer and his co-workers at the Generalbauinspektion, the agency in charge of the project, were well aware of the sheer madness of the enterprise. In a series of caricatures, which used to adorn Speer's office walls and are on display at the Berlin exhibition for the first time, Berlin is presented as one huge construction site. In one of the drawings, an oversized building crane accidentally picks up the Brandenburg Gate. Another one shows a completely dug-up city center with the caption: "When it all begins, it will be no laughing matter for pedestrians." "It was OK to poke fun at the project internally," says Keil, "but if any of that would have leaked to the outside, somebody would have been in big trouble."

But why did Hitler, who had a reputation of feeling more at home in the country's Southern region, develop such an obsession with the German capital? Sascha Keil has his own theory: "Hitler never liked Berlin. He did not like it because only one quarter of its inhabitants voted for him in 1932/33. He did not like the wild parties that Berlin was famous for. He probably gave vent to his hatred of the Berliners by planning the construction of Germania."

Original here

Just when you thought that the world couldn’t get any weirder, you found it on the Internet. The following ten websites are bursting at the seams of the weird, strange and bizarre.

The Internet is a maze of interesting and sometimes bazaar activities and entertainment that millions of people participate in everyday life. For some people this means the weirder the better and to be perfectly honest, sometimes the weird is a purer form of entertainment, because it requires a greater creative ability to make the weird enjoyable.

Stop worrying about what to get that person who already has everything, because unless the person that you know is a closet serial killer, then they probably don't have one of these. At “Corpses For Sale” you can purchase an incredibly realistic full body corpse with rotting flesh, teeth and yellow fingernails. The corpses are not real, but the expert craftsman sure makes one stop and take a double take and the reason, is because they look so real.

Looking for a bit of nerd humor with a tad of geekiness? This website offers an assortment of actual technical signs that are not normally funny, but these signs come complete with humorous captions that makes them funny to look at and to think about.

The website introduces an amazing illusion that will have you seeing dots for the rest of the day. Watch a rotating board containing three yellow dots and one green dot, that are there in front of your eyes one second and gone the next second. This is a really cool optical illusion that will capture your attention for the next few minutes.

Built to pay tribute to one of the world's most relied on consumer products “Toilet Paper”. This website presents an extensive collection of brands of toilet paper that range from the mundane to the exceedingly rare. This is a comprehensive Internet resource for learning about toilet paper.

Now, for a fun and dizzying activity that will freak out your mind and confuse your senses. Some sensitive observers may become dizzy and/or sick, so if you are one of these people, then you should leave the site immediately.

Angry Alien has created a new twist on the typical movie review. In 30-seconds, visitors can watch a troupe of bunnies re-enact some of the best movies of all-time in a movie parody sort of way. Some of these movies parody are absolutely hilarious and a must to watch. My personal favorites are: Borat, Jaws, The Grudge and Star Wars.

Sure, Dr Mega Volt is a tad bit weird and completely out of his mind. Anyone who would knowingly put himself in an electrifying situation has to be included in an article entrenched in the world of weird. This guy has either a death wish or he has found a job that pays really, really well.

The Department of Homeland Security introduced in 2002, the Homeland Security Advisory System that features a color-coded warning bar scale that ranges from green (Low-risk) to red (Severe-risk). Now, you can get you very own to download onto your computer for free. I don't know why anyone would want one of these, but there are some weird things that people want for some strange reason.

If you have wondered how many pennies would it take to fill-up a room, then this website will answer this question and continues to take this question even further. What would one billion pennies look like if stacked?

Developed in 1994, “The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything” is a usual artifact that attracts thousands of people every day. Pushing the button is pointless, but for some reason people still continue to push the button regardless.

Original here

History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives

The three most terrifying things in the world are werewolves, clowns and unplanned pregnancy. Humanity has known this since time began and as such has endeavored to make sure the last one of these would happen as infrequently as possible.

When you combined extreme motivation, human ingenuity and the fact that most people are stupid, you wound up with contraception methods that will blow your mind. Or at least leave you feeling a little weird down there.

#10.

Weasel Testicles

In the Dark Ages in Europe, things were dark for a reason, not the least of which was that, with the lights on, a typical man might wonder why his girlfriend had weasel balls strapped to her leg.

The reason is obvious to anyone with a degree in Magickery or Weasel Ballogy, as any magician at the time would tell you that the weasel balls would prevent pregnancy. Through the power of magick, you see. Yes, being a magician during the Dark Ages pretty much gave you a blank check.

We may not be magicians and our amateur dabbling in gynecology has been less than revealing, but we're pretty sure this method is aces since we don't know many men who would be able to perform sexually after seeing a pair of innocent, severed balls hanging from his mate as decoration.

#9.

Diaphragms ... Made of Crocodile Poo

Ancient Egyptians were a crafty lot, what with those pyramids and that cool dance and mummies and all. It's no surprise then that they were some of the first people to cook up a method of birth control that actually worked. They had figured out that you could stop the pregnancy if you had some kind of, uh, blockage there.

Still, these were ancient times and there was an unspoken agreement that everything they did had to be horrible in some way. Thus, they made their sperm barriers out of honey and crocodile shit. Seriously, look it up. We wouldn't lie to you.

Who exactly was the first to try this, and what their logic was, is lost to history. We know one thing though: When they finally invent a time machine, the first thing we're doing is going back to find out.

#8.

Beaver Testicles, With Alcohol

In the 16th century, Canadians agreed that the testicles of small furry animals were key to pregnancy prevention. They were far more advanced than those silly, superstitious Europeans, so they got the brilliant idea to use moonshine with beaver testicles in it.

The hooch was incredibly strong and the beaver balls were ground up into a fine powder, all to ensure the rampant Canadian sex would have no unfortunate side effects, other than having to drink grain alcohol with dried balls in it. This was presumably exactly as effective as the aforementioned magic weasel balls, but with the bonus of getting drunk off your ass (it should be noted that most Canadian scientific advancement can be summed up with these same words).

#7.

Mercury

Ah, delicious, hot mercury. From the old days when it was considered a cure for almost everything, to the future when we'll make terminators out of it, mercury never goes out of style.

Several thousand years ago in China, somebody logically came up with the idea of using mercury as birth control. Why not? After sex, women would do some shots of mercury, and we like to think they called it "Riding the Quicksliver Pony," then voila, no pregnancy. There may have been some sterility, brain damage and kidney failure, of course, but stopping the baby was the main thing. This was China, after all.

But, hey, at least they were taking it orally.

#6.

Diaphragms of Gold and Silver

Hey! This one doesn't sound so bad! While today's cervical caps are the idiot cousin of the diaphragm and not used all that often, a couple thousand years ago they were the shit. The basic idea was to make a little thimble that fit way up inside a woman over her cervix. While the unwashed masses were busy using oiled paper and beeswax to make these caps, the sluterati were having them made out of gold, silver and ivory.

While these substances were no doubt awesome to anyone going spelunking in a woman's vagina and could give you a cool girl-band name like Ivory Twatter or Silver Coochella, they sometimes lead to things like Toxic Shock Syndrome, unusual odors, discharge and infections, not to mention pregnancy since they only work if properly fitted and have a chance of falling out during sex.

But, hey, if things play out just right, your penis could come out wearing a shiny little top hat! And wouldn't that make it all worth it?

#5.

Animal Intestines

Condoms are not, as you'd suspect, the result of some drunken man looking at a party balloon and getting an idea. The idea of wrapping one's wang for delivery has been around for ages, long before latex, Saran Wrap and tube socks were viable options.

Back then, animal intestines were the order of the day, most likely because somebody was making sausage and made the logical connection. One of the oldest known condoms is made from a pig intestine and even has a user manual that suggests soaking it in warm milk before use, probably because just humping with a pig intestine was only half gross, but if you could somehow include sour milk in the mix well, that'd put it right over the top.

Again, you have to remember that ancient civilizations existed mainly to disgust the future.

#4.

Diaphragms of Opium

You know what else will never go out of style? Opium. Long before recorded history, there have been segments of the population who decided that everything could be made a little better with a little bit of opium thrown in.

This includes the people of ancient Sumatra, who figured they might as well use it for birth control. So, they'd take a sticky wad of opium and, you know--wedge it in there. Now, we hesitate to even include this because we have a feeling right now there is some dude at his computer, gel in his hair and three buttons open on his shirt, reading this and suddenly having an awesome idea for Saturday night.

PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. We don't know what the side effects are, let's just assume they're unimaginable and move on with our lives.

#3.

Lemons

By the 1700s, most had realized that dried turds and hard metals probably had no rightful place in a woman's lady parts. That's when some enterprising man or woman looked at a lemon half, and got an idea. OK, it was probably a man.

"Honey! I'm going to try something here ... "

The shape would act as a diaphragm and (though the inventor may not have even known this) the acid in the citrus would kill the sperm. And the scent would be just like a freshly cleaned bathroom each and every time! Considering what they were using before that, the guy who came up with it probably won a Nobel prize.

As a bonus, the various shapes and sizes of citrus meant it was great for every woman, though it probably made for some awkward moments with the fruit seller.

#2.

Blacksmith water

Nothing says "baby-free" or "massive brain damage" quite like drinking filthy, toxic sludge--a theory proved positive by the childless, Listerine-drinking hobo who lives by the dumpster out back.

Dating way back to ancient Greece and spanning a good 1,800 years of human history is the idea that drinking the water a blacksmith used to cool the materials he was working with would stop you from getting pregnant. Though it's not really known why anyone believed this, the idea that the water contained lead is a strong possibility as even up through the first World War, women were volunteering to work in factories with lead just so it would keep them sterile.

The only real downside was a pantload of neurological problems, nausea, kidney failure, seizures, coma and death. Hell, they'd probably have been better off sticking with the mercury.

#1.

Coca-Cola Douche

The modern age isn't all enlightenment and ribbed condoms. For a time, not too long ago (and in fact, probably as recent as last Wednesday) people were under the impression a can of Coke was as good as the morning after pill. And they weren't drinking it.

Yes, they would douche with it after having sex. The belief was that carbonation and sugar would be effective at stopping pregnancy, and also turning a vagina into a syrupy, caffeinated horror show of fizz and sticky spots. We like to think Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb were the carbonated no-baby douches of choice, but study by Harvard in the late '60s gave the honor to Diet Coke.

We're sincerely hoping this still doesn't go on today, because if so it's just a matter of time until some joker decides to stick some Mentos in there.

For more evidence that history be trippin' (we should totally make that an article category) check out our rundown of The 6 Most Insane Crash Diets of All-Time. Then head over to the blog and witness the very definition of bad parenting.

Original here

Top 10 Most Useless Items of Crapola

Once upon a time, things were made to serve a purpose. Consider the light bulb, the compass, and the cardiac pacemaker. No doubt necessity was once the mother of invention.

Fast forward to the present. What's happened? It seems that everywhere I go, I'm bombarded with completely useless and unnecessary stuff. Yesterday, someone tried to sell me a 14-inch pencil--the "Jumbo Jotter." I'll admit I was tempted, and I imagined myself sauntering into Monday's 3:00 meeting, only to whip out my enormous pencil and start taking notes like it was just another day at the office. My colleagues would laugh, we'd all have a good chuckle, but then some persnickety associate would point out the obvious: I had wasted $9.95 and a tree in Paraguay for a D-list joke.

The problem with useless products is threefold. First, they squander natural resources (energy, raw materials, mineral deposits and infomercial star Anthony Sullivan's precious time). Secondly, they clog up landfills and, thirdly, they throw us into a Samsara-like cycle of never ending consumption.

Take for example, the Toastmaster Electric Can Opener - Model TCO2 (white). Yes, of course this gadget could be a godsend for the arthritic and handicapped. For the rest of us, however, it's just another gateway to misery.

1. Lift blade assembly.
2. Place can against positioning bar guide and metal wheel.
3. Press button until can opening process is complete.

We press the button and eat our spam with little worry. Then the tragedy sets in. A few weeks go by and a rubber tire forms around our recently slim midsection. A double chin appears. Is that arm flab? Manual can opening burns calories. The lack of physical activity has atrophied our muscles.

Hence useless gadget number two: the Sauna Belt (note this product was recently recalled for safety reasons). This girdle of a device claims to heat the belly, increasing body temperature, so to literally melt away excess pounds. As it happens, the only thing the Sauna Belt is really good for is repelling members of the opposite sex and scorching its clientele. Burned and fat, what are we to do? Sharper Image's personal air conditioner provides comfort in times of distress. Just place the battery operated metal collar around your neck and you'll enjoy the blissful blow of cool air and water vapor on your face.

My point is that it never ends. As we're buying up all of this "stuff," we're wasting money, polluting the earth and adding another piece of junk to our already overcrowded lives. To offset the havoc we purchase yet another useless product and on and on it goes.

Yes, it's a cruel cruel world out there. And if for a moment a gigantic pencil, fuzzy toilet seat cover or fat burning belt will make it seem all the more bearable, then purchase away. But at least try to buy used.

Behold the gallery . . .

Top Ten Most Useless and Unnecessary Pieces of Crap

The Auto-Adjusting Wrench
Put the monkey wrench to shame. No need to sweat and waste your energy spinning the thumbwheel manually. Instead, just press "power" and the Auto-Adjusting Wrench will mechanically close in on that nut like a python closing in on its prey. Of course, once adjusted you'll have to turn the wrench yourself, but at least you got the hard part out of the way.

The Banana Holder
Not to be confused with the "Banana Hammock." Seriously though, what happens when you are down to one banana? How does that Banana stay safe?

Oh, of course! Silly me! Just put it in a Plastic Banana Guard.

The Plastic Banana Guard

The Battery-Powered Spinning Bottle
Jeez, kids today! They have it so easy. Back in my day (insert rambling aged voice here) we actually had to rotate the bottle. Can you imagine? Whirling it by hand to facilitate a painful make-out session or seven minutes in heaven. What torture. We really were living in the dark ages.

The Fuzzy Toilet Seat Cover
Aside from serving absolutely no purpose whatsoever, the furry toilet seat is gross. I mean, why on earth would I want a carpet on my toilet? I don't want to get into graphic detail here, but stray tagnuts and winnets . . . before you know it you've got a dingleberry garden.

The Paper Weight
If by divine intervention a gust of wind blazeth through your windowless cubicle, be sure to protect thy papers with a 4 ounce paperweight.

The Mechanized Egg Cracker
The line of crap destined to fill up your kitchen is seemingly endless. Exhibit A: the egg cracker, a plastic device with which you . . . crack an egg. God forbid we need to knock on the side of a bowl. How, one wonders, has humanity ever survived without a mechanized egg cracker?

The Baby Wipes Warmer
The baby industry capitalizes on the deepest fears of new and nervous parents. Certainly your baby will be uncomfortable, unhappy and will hate you for life if you do not wipe its bum with a warm wipey. This particular model ensures that it won't dehydrate the wipes, "as leading wipe warmers tend to do." You know what else won't dry out the wipes? Not using a wipe warmer.

The Melon Wedger
Need I point out that most kitchens have a knife?

The Leaf Blower
What good is a rake when you can happily puff leaves into your neighbor's yard with a gas powered leaf blower? Yeah, blowers hemorrhage fossil fuel, but then again nothing's more satisfying than chasing down that last recalcitrant leaf and blasting it into oblivion.

Original here

Aliens downed Tunguska meteorite to save Earth

Aliens downed Tunguska meteorite to protect our planet from devastation, stated Russian scientist Yuriy Lavbin. He showed 10 quartz crystals that he found at the place of the meteorite’s crash. Several of the crystals have holes in between, so they can be united in a chain.

Read also “Explorers find UFO fragments in Tunguska meteorite area”

What could this chain serve for? Besides, some crystals have strange drawings on them. We don’t have any technologies that can print such kind of drawings on crystal. We also found ferrum silicate that can not be produced anywhere but in the space”, - the scientist states.

The meteorite’s crash took place long time ago, in summer of 1908. An enormous volcanic ball rushed over the sky with terrifying wallop and thunder-like sound. All the citizens were frightened to death and scared to move out of their houses. A flight of a “flamy alien” ended up in an hour in deserted taiga area. In a matter of seconds an explosive wave spread for 40 kilometers, devastating everything living around.

Read also “Tunguska event an actual UFO crash site”

It was not until many years later that a Siberian scientist set up an expedition to place of the meteorite’s crash. They searched carefully through the river banks and found there unusual quartz boards. Mr. Lavbin states that such solid stones do not exist in the Earth. He said about the experiment that was taken on the crystals: scientists tried to put some of the same drawing that were on the stones initially with a laser machine.

How surprised they were to realize that the laser (that usually cuts metal objects into pieces) managed to put just some faint stripes. The stones though have an entire system of different lines and circles on them. Scientists suppose that the stones used to be a part of the navigational system of a spaceship. All stones united form a map, which they used to cruise through the Universe.

In 1908 the UFO is thought to be hit by the meteorite that weighed 1 billion tones. If the meteorite fell down on the Earth, all the people would have been dead. But the aliens interfered and put their lives to save our land. A strange portrait of a strange person on one of the stones proves this hypothesis. Isn’t it the pilot that once put his life for the sake of our future life?

Translated by Lena Ksandinova

Original here

The Best Pun IN THE WOThe Best Pun IN THE WORLD!! Finalists RLD!! Finalists

We’ve narrowed down all the punny entries from last week’s Best Pun IN THE WORLD!! Competition and settled on the following 10. As with the caption contests, we’re letting YOU guys pick the winner. One vote per person, please, and may the best pun win!

The 10 finalists are…

A) Two fishermen were in a boat by the lake, when one of them stood to catch a fish in a net. As he scooped up the carp, his wallet fell out of his back pocket. As the seemingly doomed billfold started to sink to the lake bottom, the carp slipped out of the net and swam after it, re-emerging with it on his nose.

However, instead of returning it, he tossed it to one of his fish buddies, who balanced it on his nose. More of more of fish-buddies emerged from the water, and all of them played this strange game of keep-away with the man’s billfold.

The first man watched, slackjawed. He said to the other “Have you ever seen anything like this before?”

The second man answered “Sure I have. Haven’t you heard of carp-to-carp walleting?”
- Michael

B) A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris, but was caught 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. All the thief could say for himself was: “I had no MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH. But I tried for it anyway because I had nothing TOULOUSE!”
- kerensa

C) “Did you see this story? Says here that a newspaper published a report about election fraud, and some goons from the ruling party went and attacked their offices.”
“What did they do?”
“Oh, toppled file cabinets, threw paper around, smashed monitors…”
“Any loss of life?”
“No, it looks like just a monitor-y loss.”
- AG

D) I’ve been reading something very interesting — Stephen Hawking’s latest book about anti-gravity.
I just can’t put it down.
- buddz

E) Ancient humans, venturing across the ice bridge to North America, got lost quite often. They found it very hard to keep their Bering Strait….
- ;im

F) Kay Nein’s English Bulldog, Og, had just been awarded ‘Best in Show’ and she
felt a celebratory ice cream from Calabash’s Frozen Doggie Treats was in order; however, what she had intended to be a single scoop in a cup quickly evolved into a glop of every flavor available -leading Kay to comment, “It’s a mishmash, Calabash… give Og a cone!”
- Amy

G) Thanks to fossils, archaeologists have been able to determine that there once a genetic mutation millions of year ago, causing the creation of a five-legged dinosaur.
As far as we know, this is the first evidence we have ever seen of a reptile dysfunction.
- Michael

H) What do you get after playing the lute for 10 hours straight?
Minstrel cramps.
- Denise
[Ed. Note: Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor. Period.]

I) I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers, but I Kant.
- Dan

J) Did you hear they found a narcissistic male lion whose females had turned on him?
No, really?
Yeah. Course it was his pride that did him in…
- Justin

Original here