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Thursday, July 17, 2008

Vanity Fair Editor Arrested for Infiltrating Elite Private Club

Vanity Fair writer Alex Shoumatoff got himself arrested for crashing Bohemian Grove, a private men's club in northern California for the upper echelon of the rich and powerful. He was there to spy on the three-week camp they hold every July, where said rich and powerful relax while living in tents in their private woods. (Nixon was a member, but called it "most faggy goddamn thing that you would ever imagine.") The backstory on the weird club, plus the reason for the trespassing and arrest?

Bohemian Grove has been arguing amongst themselves for the last few years about a plan to cut down and harvest some of the trees in their forest, ostensibly to prevent forest fires. Member John Hooper resigned in 2004 because of the plan (even though he owns his own forest, which also harvests trees.) Hooper asked Vanity Fair's Shoumatoff (they are former Harvard classmates) to write about the tree-cutting for Vanity Fair, according to the San Francisco Chronicle.

The connection between Hooper and Shoumatoff pissed off the pro-harvesting club members. They sent a letter to VF editor-in-chief Graydon Carter, but Shoumatoff didn't quit the story. In fact, he told the club's PR flacks to talk and quit hiding information. (Spy magazine infiltrated Bohemian Grove in 1989, when Carter was editor there.) An excerpt from that article, written by Philip Weiss:

"At this point some hamadryads (tree spirits) and another priest or two appeared at the base of the main owl shrine, a 40-foot-tall, moss-covered statue of stone and steel at the south end of the lake, and sang songs about Care. They told of how a man's heart is divided between "reality" and "fantasy," how it is necessary to escape to another world of fellowship among men. Vaguely homosexual undertones suffused this spectacle, as they do much of ritualized life in the Grove. The main priest wore a pink-and-green satin costume, while a hamadryad appeared before a redwood in a gold spangled bodysuit dripping with rhinestones. They spoke of "fairy unguents" that would free men to pursue warm fellowship, and I was reminded of something Herman Wouk wrote about the Grove: 'Men can decently love each other; they always have, bur women never quite understand.'"

Anyway, Shoumatoff was captured in the woods by a plumber moonlighting as a security guard on the night of July 13th. Update! We hear that he got into the club briefly before being thrown out, contrary to the SF Chroncle reports that he was caught while sneaking in.

Original here

Police: 'Greatest Dad' shirt worn to sex meeting

This undated image provided by the Michigan attorney-general's office shows Daniel Allen Everett. The 33-year-old Clarkston, Mich. man faces two 20-year felonies after authorities say he arranged a meeting for sex with an online contact he believed was a 14-year-old girl and showed up wearing a T-shirt that read: 'World's Greatest Dad.' Everett was arraigned Tuesday, July 15, 2008 in Novi, Mich. district court on charges of child sexual abuse and using the Internet to attempt child sexual abuse. (AP Photo/State of Michigan, Department of Attorney General)
AP Photo: This undated image provided by the Michigan attorney-general's office shows Daniel Allen Everett. The 33-year-old...

NOVI, Mich. - A 33-year-old Michigan man is accused of wearing a "World's Greatest Dad" shirt to a meeting for sex with what he thought was a 14-year-old girl.

Daniel Allen Everett of Clarkston was arraigned Tuesday in Novi (NOE'-veye) on charges of child sexual abuse and using the Internet to attempt child sexual abuse.

A jail official says it isn't known whether Everett has a lawyer.

A spokesman for Attorney General Mike Cox could not confirm whether Everett has children. But Cox says in a statement that the arrest is a reminder that "a parent can pose a threat to our children."

Magistrate Andra Dudley set Everett's bond at $50,000.

Original here

Adulthood Spent Satisfying Childhood Desires

CANTON, OH—Jeffrey Riesman, 29, an account manager at Tri-Trust Insurance, has spent the last 10 years satisfying desires not sufficiently fulfilled during childhood, sources reported Tuesday.

Enlarge Image Adulthood Spent Satisfying Childhood Desires

Taking a break from his Atari 2600, Riesman enjoys a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.

"I just bought a mint-in-box Six Million Dollar Man Bionic Transport and Repair Station off eBay for just under $100," Riesman said Tuesday. "All I need is an Oscar Goldman, and I'll have the complete Bionic toy series."

According to roommate Nate Kenniff, 28, Riesman's need to indulge childhood desires is reflected in everything from his toy collection to his diet.

"We tried shopping for groceries together when I first moved in, but that didn't work," Kenniff said. "He'll go to Costco and buy box after box of Fruity Pebbles, Boo Berry, and Quisp. Whenever I suggest we get some Wheat Chex or something a little less sweet, he just rolls his eyes and calls my cereal choices 'lame.'"

Kenniff said Riesman spends an average of six hours a night watching TV.

"I like TV as much as the next guy, but Jeff takes it to extremes," Kenniff said. "And it's not like he's watching quality stuff. He'll stay up for an all-night Scooby Doo marathon. Have you tried watching Scooby Doo lately? It's not as good as you might remember it."

Riesman also owns more than 500 DVDs, many of which are collections of cartoons he loved as a boy or such forbidden films from his adolescence as Porky's, Private School, and Hot Resort.

When Riesman isn't watching TV or DVDs, he's usually playing one of the 200-plus games he has purchased for his vintage Atari 2600 game console.

"I had Atari when I was a kid, but my mom always made me wait until I was done with my homework to play," Riesman said. "Now, as soon as I come home from the office, I can settle in and play Yars' Revenge until dawn, and she can't say anything about it."

Added Riesman: "I'm thinking about picking up a second game system, like maybe a Colecovision or Intellivision. Why not? They're only like 50 bucks. I make almost $30,000 a year. Why deprive myself?"

Another area in which Riesman's youthful indulgence manifests itself is his bedtime. Despite having a job that requires him to be at the office at 8 a.m., he refuses to go to sleep before 3.

"When Jeff and I were living together, he'd always stay up way after I went to sleep," said Carla Green, Riesman's ex-girlfriend. "I'd say 'Come to bed,' and he'd always snap back that he's an adult and can stay up as late as he wants. I have no clue what that was about."

According to noted psychotherapist Dr. Howard Blum, Riesman suffers from a condition known as Chronic Unfulfilled Desire Syndrome, which affects a person's ability to let go of childhood fixations and embrace maturity.

"Some people are never able to overcome CUDS—it can't be medicated," Blum said. "The only thing an afflicted individual can do is try to curb those youthful desires while still in their twenties and pray they aren't still pursuing them at 45. There's nothing sadder than a middle-aged Pez-dispenser collector."

Original here

20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants

Raising a baby is a tough gig. "Experts" declare at every turn that the wrong decisions on nutrition, napping or enrichment will render your child emotionally barren, homeless, sexually deviant and, worst of all, short. It's no wonder child rearing products are such a huge industry. Here are 20 products perfect for developing little tykes ... into adults who want to murder their parents.

Zaky Infant Pillow

The Zaky Infant Pillow will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers.

They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don't want to baby's first memory to be "The time mommy's massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down"

Baby Keeper

This is a dangerous idea. Not because it looks unstable or poorly constructed, but because its utility is too seductive.

Once the parent realizes how freeing this is, it will never stop with bathroom breaks. Want to vacuum? Slap that squirming bundle of modern art up on a closet door for a few minutes! Not enough room for the groceries and the child safety seat in the car? Use those hooks on the bumper and make an impromptu side car!

Swimming Neck Ring

This product, previously named My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer , appears to be primarily designed to protect the baby's head in the event of shark attack.

Pee-Pee Teepee

It's not just a mechanism to block rogue urine sprays , it's a festive party hat for your baby's junk!

We noticed they are sized so adults can wear them too, but you might consider not breaking it out at the next office shindig. You don't want your last name being synonymous with HR's "Penis Hat" precedent for inappropriate conduct.

Baby Perfume

This product is a bit befuddling, since "new baby smell" is cherished by adults nearly as much as "new car smell". Strangely enough, the secret to both is liberal application of Armor-All.

Even stranger, the perfumes come in a series of food-flavored scents such as marshmallow, pear, almond, citrus and raspberry, meaning these perfumes may end up serving the dual function of a marinade if you enter dingo country.

O'Pair Baby Leash

This is a great way to teach your children "I trust you exactly none." Think of it as a renewed umbilical cord designed to transfer shame instead of nutrients.

Note: this product is NOT recommended for joggers. That's a mistake you'll only make once.

"Thudguard" Helmet

Helmet jokes are too easy and, frankly, a little unfair. Babies learn to walk with a drunken stagger that invariably gravitates towards peril in all directions. A little protection is sensible enough while they are too young to be scarred by it (babies don't develop the shame gland until 18 months).

However, this emblem from the site goes too far:

First head gear? If your plan for parenting involves scaling their walkabout helmet yearly you might as well send them to school pre-wedgied.

3rd Arm

If you're concerned that your toddler doesn't have enough dipping sauces for their zwieback crackers, this is ideal. In fact, we kind of want one of these for our car and easy chair both. It looks convenient as hell.


Sure, you could provide "horsie rides" without it, but then you wouldn't have a baby toy that doubles as an accoutrement for submissive sex play.

Not many kids toys come with the advisory "Don't leave children unattended with this toy. Also never forget your safeword."

Hamburger Baby Costume

Technically speaking, wouldn't this be a veal costume?

Metallica Lullabies

Despite what metal purists think, Metallica Lullabies is not a box set of everything they've released after "..And Justice For All". It is reimagined and repackaged metal designed to soothe your baby to sleep and begin brokering their relationship with Satan. Kids don't usually embrace the Dark Lord until they discover Dungeons & Dragons, so they'll be way ahead of their peers.

Manual Snot Sucker

Here are two key points when using this product :

* Take the time to fully sterile the equipment before every use. You will also want to budget some time during use for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you're collecting in that straw.

* When you feel pressure inserting the tube, stop promptly. If you notice the child cannot move the left side of its body when you apply suction, you've gone too far.

Her First Heels

Coming soon: Her First Drunken Bar Encounter and Her First Awkward Morning After. Collect all three!

Tart Her Up, LLC. cannot be held accountable for any swing in sexuality associated with putting these on your son.

Baby Mop

Inventors in Japan are fed up with babies constantly making messes and never cleaning up after themselves. Introducing the baby mop, this leverages the all natural cleaning power of drool to buff your floors to a high shine. Please note that extended wear on carpet may build a static charge equivalent to licking a car battery.


The cleverly named Po-Knee brings the technology of faux pony rides into the new millenium. Never before has Creepy Uncle bait been so sophisticated.

Parents, always verify the individual offering a spirited Po-Knee ride is wearing pants.

Man Boobs

From the instant any man dons this apparatus he can count on deeper bonding with his child, getting paid 25% less to do the same job as other men, and being grossly objectified for his sweet, sweet ass. On the flipside, he'll probably never have to buy his own drinks again.

Baby Whoopee Cushion Costume

Pro: The whoopee cushion will inevitably self-inflate given enough time and a diet rich in legumes

Con: The instant someone opts to sit on it the joke will take a horrible, strangely poetic turn

Bucktooth Pacifier

Not only is this unspeakably cute , it comes with additional benefits as well. This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke.

This will help educate your baby on the soul-crushing bleakness that this world will rain upon them through the whole of their painful, pathetic lives. It's a small price to pay to have your baby wook wike a widdle bunny-wabbit! Awwwww!

#2 & #1.
Baby Toupee & Baby Tattoos

Babies, though generally placid creatures, can become extremely violent when defending their territory. All it takes is some fresh fish toddler crawling into your kid's corner of the sandbox to incite Lego shivs appearing and suddenly you've now got a baby on the lam.

The least you can do as a responsible parent is to help your baby cloak their appearance with these convenient baby wigs (so they can make a run for the nearest international border) and with these tattoos so that once in prison the fellow inmates will know they're hardcore.

Original here