Saturday, March 28, 2009

PHOTOS: Coin-Size Frog Found -- One of World's Smallest

As the smallest known frog species in the world's second largest mountain range, this new amphibian is easy to miss.

But scientists searching the Andes mountains' upper Cosnipata Valley in southern Peru, near Cusco, spotted the coin-size creature--a member of the Noblella genus--in the leaf litter of a cloud forest between 9,925 and 10,466 feet (3,025 and 3,190 meters).

(See pictures of other new frogs and amphibians found recently in South America.)

"The most distinctive character of the new species," scientists write in the February issue of the journal Copeia, "is its diminutive size." Females grow to 0.49 inch (12.4 millimeters) at most. Males make it to only 0.44 inch (11.1 millimeters).

What's most surprising is that the frog lives at such high elevations, said study co-author Alessandro Catenazzi, a postdoctoral researcher at the University of California, Berkeley. In general, larger animals are found at greater heights.
A new species of frog in the Noblella genus grasps her two eggs, which she will watch over and keep moist until they hatch into froglets, a February 2009 study says.

The smallest frog in South America's Andes region and one of the smallest frogs in the world, the newfound amphibian has some unusual traits. For instance, females hatch only two eggs--a small number for a frog--and each egg is nearly a third the size of the adult.

The tiny amphibian is also rarescientists estimate there are between 30 and 75 frogs in each hectare (2.5 acres) of their highland habitat, which is located in a transition zone between forests and grasslands.

In Peru's southern mountain scrublands, field assistant Eduardo Luna holds a new species of frog in the Noblella genus, first documented in a February 2009 study.

The smallest frog yet found in the Andes, the critter was discovered during a research study of the deadly chytrid fungus, which has killed frogs and salamanders around the world in recent years, said study co-author Alessandro Catenazzi, a postdoctoral researcher at the University of California, Berkeley.

Although the deadly fungal infection has been recorded in southern Peru, no infections were detected in the new frog species.

That's because chytrid usually strikes frogs that rely on water for their reproductive cycle, Catenazzi said.

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Cat shot 27 times - and lives

Ben Blomfield

THE relentless torture of a pet cat that was shot 27 times at point-blank range in the head and neck with an air rifle has outraged animal welfare authorities.

Possum magic: Veterinarian Max Fargher hopes to nurse this cat back to health after a shocking case of cruelty in which it was shot with a slug gun (inset)." width="320">

Possum magic: Veterinarian Max Fargher hopes to nurse this cat back to health after a shocking case of cruelty in which it was shot with a slug gun (inset).

An X-ray reveals the extend of the cruel attack on Possum.

An X-ray reveals the extend of the cruel attack on Possum.

Possum after treatment.

Possum after treatment.

Possum, a two-year-old male domestic cat, somehow survived shocking cruelty after cowards trapped him in a cage about 9pm on Friday.

The gun was shoved in the animal’s face and mouth with two direct shots penetrating his tongue and lodging in his nasal cavity.

Police are investigating the violent attack on the cat, which will have surgery today to remove 15 remaining pellets.

Owner Jodi Mulley pulled out five of the pellets herself while seven other pellets that punctured the skin were not found.

It is believed the animal was caught in a cat trap somewhere at Portsmith and repeatedly shot with the slug gun. One lead pellet narrowly missed the cat’s jugular vein.

Ms Mulley rang four veterinarians who told her they would not see Possum unless they received a $150 emergency call-out fee.

"One vet told me if I didn’t take him to the vet ASAP, they would have me fined for trying to clean him up myself,’’ she said. "I spent the whole night crying because I thought my baby was going to die."

Greencross Veterinarians principal surgeon Max Fargher, who treated Possum around 1.30pm on Saturday, said: "The cat is going to be fixed regardless of the cost."

He said in 18 years working as a vet, he had never seen such a disturbing attack on an animal.

"In general, this is the worst episode of animal cruelty I’ve ever seen," he said.

An RSPCA spokesman said Possum’s incident was part of a new wave of animal cruelty cases reported in the past 12 months.

"We’ve had some instances in the last year where the level of violence has been taken to a new level," he said.

"The extent of the violence of the crimes is getting more intense."

Possum will undergo surgery today, estimated to cost $700.

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Young couple moves in with her ex-husband

By Jessica Ravitz

Editor's note: This story is part of an ongoing series of profiles CNN is doing about economic survival in this time of financial crisis.

Nicole Thompson-Arce poses on her wedding day with her husband, Mathew Arce, and her ex-mother-in-law.

Nicole Thompson-Arce poses on her wedding day with her husband, Mathew Arce, and her ex-mother-in-law.

(CNN) -- Struggling to make ends meet, trying to dig themselves out of debt, Nicole Thompson-Arce and her husband have moved in with her ex-husband.

Together, the unlikely threesome of Omaha, Nebraska, is raising two young daughters from the first marriage.

It's the kind of situation that has left cable guys howling.

"They'd never heard anything like this," Thompson-Arce, 28, remembered with a laugh. "And they're in people's homes everyday."

When she and Craig Thompson, 42, were going through a divorce in 2005, this was not a deal either of them could have imagined striking. It was a messy divorce, the kind involving a custody dispute. But once they ironed out that battle, agreeing to joint custody, Thompson-Arce said they were able to move on and forward. iReport: Read Thompson-Arce's post

By the time she married Mathew Arce last July, she said she and her ex were friends. In fact, they were so close that his mother -- meaning Thompson-Arce's ex-mother-in-law -- was in (not just at) the second wedding ceremony.

Soon after the Florida wedding, the new lovebirds flew into a financial mess. She had left a job, and as soon as she found another (a temp position), her 22-year-old husband was fired from his higher-paying gig. Job hunt stories

They fell behind in rent. The bills stacked up. The credit card debt grew. What are you cutting from budget?

A couple months later, Arce, landed a temporary Wal-Mart cashier position, which has since turned into a full-time job. But finances remained shaky and digging themselves out of debt seemed insurmountable. Tell us how you're surviving in this economy

In walked the ex with an offer, just in time for Christmas. Thompson, an 18-year bakery employee at Wal-Mart, lives in a three-bedroom, one-bath home.

"I knew they were having money problems, so I just asked them to move in," he said. "I figured I'd get to see my girls, my daughters, more often. And Nicole said yes right away."

Besides the economic savings, the benefits are many.

No longer do they have to shuttle Victoria, 7, and Caitlyn, 6, between two households. As a team, they can parent and be on the same page. Finding a baby sitter is never a problem. They take turns making meals, which they all share.

Thompson and Arce, who are 20 years apart -- "I had to get the whole spectrum going there," Thompson-Arce joked -- have become the best of friends, and share a similar sense of humor. They have tackled home improvement projects, run around together on days they both have off and often hang out at the kitchen table building plastic models.

"We just clicked," Thompson said. "When I tell people, 'I'm living with my ex-wife and her husband,' I get some really strange looks. ...It's different. It's unusual, but it works."

The transition has been smooth and great for the kids, Thompson-Arce said. And for their benefit, irrespective of finances, she thinks it's a living situation they'll stick with for at least five to 10 years. It has, however, taken a little time for the little ones to get the story straight.

Seven-year-old Victoria went back to school after winter break -- and after the whole team had blended under one roof -- and started telling people this: " 'My mommy has two husbands,'" Thompson-Arce remembered. "I was like, 'No, honey, don't tell them that!'"

What she and both men hope the girls are learning is that divorced parents can work together and be friends.

"There are so many families that go through divorce and can never let it go," she said. "I'm thankful, and hopefully our situation can help people rethink things because if they have kids, it's in their best interest to get along."

One might wonder whether the couple, who've been married for less than a year, get enough time alone together, given where they're living. Thompson-Arce points out that her ex works a shift that sends him to bed at 7 p.m., so the evenings -- after the kids are asleep -- are for her and her husband to share. Video Watch restaurant holds date night event »

"When they do have a romantic evening, I don't hear them, so we're not going there," Thompson quipped. "There's a bathroom between our two bedrooms."

The ex-husband hasn't dated since the divorce. He said it's because he's been focused on work and taking care of the kids. Thompson-Arce, however, said that she and her husband are forever trying to get Thompson on the dating scene and want him to meet someone special.

Special, and understanding, she would most definitely need to be.

"He'd have to find a very open-minded woman because we don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon," Thompson-Arce said.

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Pen mightier than sword for artist who helped nab suspect


Whoever said the pen has lost its power hasn't met Tim Griggs, who helped Galveston police nab a suspect who was causing a disturbance on The Strand. Here's the story, as outlined by Global IMB, a Houston-based media and marketing firm where Griggs works as a writer and comedy film director:

Island artist Tim Griggs (shown above) helped Galveston police nab a suspect by doing what he has been doing on the Island for the past 19 years -- he drew a caricature of the man and gave it to police to aid in their search.

Griggs was drawing caricatures on The Strand on Friday afternoon when he heard a disturbance at a local shop. The shop clerk was being harassed by a man and Griggs took it upon himself to come to her defense. The perpetrator became loud and hostile, and when Griggs told him he would call the police the man threatened to come back and murder everyone.

Griggs and the shop clerk called the police, and as soon as the man left Griggs did the only thing he knew to do -- he drew a caricature of the man. He handed the caricature to the police as soon as they arrived and the police used the drawing to quickly apprehend the suspect.

Global IMB President Tim Dillard had this to say when he heard the story:

Tim Griggs is no small guy. For anyone to threaten him would require a disturbed mind. The fact that Griggs didn't squash the suspect and decided to draw a picture of the guy proves, I guess, that the pen is mightier than the sword.

A Fort Worth native, Griggs has lived on or near Galveston Island for the past 19 years. When asked if he would consider a career change as a police sketch artist, Griggs replied:

No thanks. That sounds too much like work, though it was a lot of fun identifying that guy as he sat hand-cuffed in the back of the police car.

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The Top 10 People Who Almost Destroyed Fun

We take a lot of things for granted. We turned the internet into a free utopia of naked boobs and girl-on-girl pornography. We knock back strong drinks until our arms don't have the strength to lift the glass to our green faces. We watch grown men, both real and fictional, beat the living juices out of each other for our own amusement. But there was a time when these moments of euphoria were in danger of becoming nothing more than a distant memory.

10. Jack Thompson


Source: GuardianV

First of all, he's an attorney, so he's pretty much been trained to seek out and destroy all forms of fun like a fun-seeking tactical missile. Second of all, he's dedicated his already-stained profession to enforcing a morality clause in just about everything he deems offensive from Howard Stern's radio show to overrated rap music. But mostly, he's known for rearing his grey-haired head whenever tragedy strikes to blame the whole sordid mess on video games. If an angry kid shoots up his school, Thompson is on TV the next day to blame the whole thing on the fact that the shooter played video games.

9. Charles Keating


Source: Thomas Ives/Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images

The former face of the Lincoln Savings and Loan scandal didn't spend his entire life trying to take the life savings of every man who walked into the scope of his view. He also spent part of it trying to take their pornography from them. The Cincinnati attorney formed the Citizens for Decent Literature in the late 1950s, an organization that used any legal recourse necessary to outlaw pornography in all of its forms. He even produced his own film, Perversion for Profit, that became a huge bestseller among disappointed men in trench coats.

He not only failed to outlaw porno, but ended up in jail on charges of wire and bankruptcy fraud, where the term "Perversion for Profit" has more to do with earning cigarettes.

8. John McCain


Source: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

If history has taught us anything, it's that banning something only makes it stronger. Tell people they can't have something and they will want it ten times as much as they did before. Presidential loser John McCain learned that lesson the hard way when he tried to completely ban mixed martial arts and disband the Ultimate Fighting Championship in the 1990s by getting nearly 40 states to outlaw the sport and two major cable networks to take the fights off of their pay-per-view rosters.

Now the league is worth millions of dollars and enjoys more popularity than ever. We're not saying his stance on the issue cost him the chance to become president in 2008, but if debate rules allowed him to anaconda choke his opponent the minute he starts stammering, it couldn't have hurt him.

7. Joe Lieberman


Source: Alex Wong/Getty Images

The Democratic turncoat sounds and looks like the world's most boring human being. So it should serve as no surprise that he has dedicated more than half of his political life trying to snuff out any form of objectionable entertainment from passing past your eyes and making them bleed from their extreme filthiness. He not only led a public crusade against violence in video games, but even helped pass the Communications Decency Act, which aimed to regulate and monitor objectionable and offensive material on the internet. The measure obviously didn't work because you're reading and a SWAT team hasn't tossed a flash bang in your living room and rappelled through the windows for clicking on a PG Porn link.

6. Dr. Frederic Wertham


Source: University of W├╝rzburg

Adults like to blame lots of things for children's bad behavior, other than a convenient lack of knowledgeable parenting. In the 1950s, Dr. Frederic Wertham aimed his blame-thrower on comic books, specifically EC Comics titles like Tales from the Crypt, Shock SuspenStories, and even classics like Wonder Woman, which he claimed carried undertones of bondage and S&M behavior. It sounds like he developed that theory based less on careful scientific thought and more on wishful thinking.

Wertham managed to get most of EC's titles banned, except for a little-known title named Mad, by forming a Comics Code that forbade comic publishers from the use of certain words, gory depictions, or females with "exaggeration of any physical qualities." Thank God those rules don't apply anymore. That last one would have made Catwoman completely unwatchable.

5. Carrie Nation


Source: Hulton Archive/Stringer/Getty Images

Imagine you're in a bar with your best buds enjoying a beer or maybe something stronger when, without any reason, an axe-wielding grandmother storms in and smashes your glass to pieces. You'd probably try to punch this woman dead in the face, assuming you still had all of your fingers.

Extreme abolitionist Carrie Nation tried to do just that throughout the early 1900s in bars throughout the Midwest, all in the name of divine intervention, the world's oldest excuse. I'm still waiting for my God to come down from heaven and order me to impregnate NFL cheerleaders in order to fulfill some divine plan to achieve peace or cure hunger. I would be willing to make the sacrifice.

4. Frank Hogan


Source: Getty Images

This former New York County District Attorney isn't all bad. He dedicated his career to bringing down corruption within the police department and sent some hardcore murderers and racketeer…ers to the slammer.

That part of his resume gets erased when you get to the part about how he led a witch hunt prosecution against comedian Lenny Bruce for obscenity. The legendary comedian spent most of the latter part of his life in and out of court defending his act before judges and grand juries, only to die from a drug overdose in the bathroom of his Hollywood home. Bruce's sacrifice in the press and the legal system helped keep future groundbreaking comedians on stage and out of legal trouble, which is a good thing as long as you don't count Dane Cook and Carrot Top.

3. Tipper Gore


Source: Cynthia Johnson/Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images

The former second lady or vice lady or whatever the hell you call the wife of a former vice president led a crusade against objectionable music by creating the Parents Music Resource Center. This group is responsible for the warning labels you find on CDs that contain at least one curse word or references to naughty behavior that would get you the business end of a nun's ruler in private Catholic school.

The group didn't succeed in an outright ban of the music, but it did rile the feathers of artists like Frank Zappa, Joey Ramone, and John Denver, who joined forces to stop the organization, making it the only time in history that Frank Zappa, Joey Ramone, and John Denver ever appeared together in the same sentence.

2. Anita Bryant


Source: GAB Archive/Redferns/Getty Images

Believe it or not, there was a time when lesbians were not revered as productive and useful members of society. If the very thought of such intolerance fills you with uncontrollable rage, take a second to calm yourself down. Then if the very thought of lesbians fills you with…well if we have to tell you what to do, then that explains the uncontrollable rage.

The chief crusader against gays and homosexuals in the 1970s and '80s was sickly sweet singer Anita Bryant, who not only publicly spoke out against the acceptance of such "deviant" behavior, but even tried to help pass or squash state and federal legislation that helped or hurt her cause. Her cause failed so miserably that she ended up with egg on her face, as well as a quarter of a cup of sugar, one-eighth of a cup of flour, two cups of milk, and a teaspoon of vanilla extract.

1. Jack Valenti


Source: John Sciulli/WireImage/Getty Images

If you and your friends ever tried to sneak into an R-rated movie, got caught and then banned for life from your favorite local movie theater, you have this man to blame. The longtime president of the Motion Picture Association of America helped develop the movie rating system that continues to plague the influential young minds of children today. Today the system is used to water down overtly sexual films to get them out of the dreaded NC-17 rating and prevent the world from understanding the peace, harmony, and love that can be achieved from seeing a naked boobie.

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Man wrongly jailed for 27 years walks free ... and is hit by a taxi

By John Garth

The man released after spending 27 years in jail for a murder he did not commit has spent his first weekend of freedom in hospital after being hit by a taxi.

Sean Hodgson needed stitches in his face after being struck by the cab as he was about to cross a busy road in London.

His solicitor said the accident was just one example of how difficult it was for Mr Hodgson to adjust to life on the outside after nearly three decades behind bars.

Sean Hodgson and brother Pete

Bitter taste of freedom: Sean Hodgson, left, with his brother Pete leaves the High Court before they headed for the pub - where Sean had to be stopped from lighting up

Mr Hodgson was convicted in 1982 of killing barmaid Teresa De Simone after he confessed to the murder while in prison for another offence.

But the 58-year-old was finally released last week after new DNA evidence came to light proving he could not have committed the 1979 murder.

Declaring himself 'ecstatic' as he left the Royal Courts of Justice last Thursday, Mr Hodgson headed straight for the pub for a pint with his brother Peter and the £46 prison discharge grant he had in his pocket.

But in a moment reminiscent of Rip Van Winkle - the classic story of a man who falls asleep for 20 years and wakes to find the world changed - Mr Hodgson immediately had to be stopped from lighting a cigarette, unaware of the smoking ban introduced in pubs nationwide two years ago.

Solicitor Julian Young said his client was upbeat but was finding especially difficult to adjust to life in the capital.

Teresa De Simone

Mystery: Police have reopened the investigation into the murder of Teresa De Simone, above, after Sean Hodgson was proven innocent

Describing the accident, Mr Young said: 'He was struck by the wing mirror of a taxi that mounted the kerb and taken to hospital where he had two stitches in his face.

'He's OK but I think he's struggling with life on the outside, and particularly in London. He's been in to see us and his spirits are up,' he said.

Mr Hodgson, who left prison with just £46 discharge grant, is now staying in a small hotel paid for by housing benefit arranged with the help of the Royal Courts of Justice's miscarriage of justice team.

Mr Young said work had now begun on Mr Hodgson's claim for compensation for the years he spent inside.

He added: 'We're hopeful things might be moved through a bit quicker for someone who has wrongly spent 27 years in prison.

'You might think a moral stand could be taken given the nature of the case.'

A Home Office scheme means compensation is capped at £500,000. But Mr Hodgson may make a further claim against the Forensic Science Service (FSS) after a blunder prevented him being released ten years ago.

In 1998, the FSS wrongly told his solicitors no scientific evidence had been kept from the murder scene behind the Tom Tackle pub, in Southampton, Hants.

Mr Hodgson was jailed for life for strangling Miss De Simone after her body was found in her Ford Escort in December 1979.

He confessed to the murder a year later while in jail for stealing a car - but later retracted his confession, saying he was a 'pathological' liar.

Despite this a jury convicted him of the grisly murder of Teresa, who also worked as an accounts clerk for a gas company.

Mr Hodgson appealed unsuccessfully against his conviction in 1983.

Although he continued to protest his innocence while being held in Albany Prison on the Isle of Wight, his case remained closed until he contacted solicitors last year.

Earlier this year, a review of the DNA evidence showed the genetic material found at the scene did not match a sample taken from him.

Police have now reopened their investigation into the killing of the 22-year-old.

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The 10 Most Perverted Old School Video Games

By Seanbaby

Sean "Seanbaby" Reiley was writing comedy over at when Cracked was a poor man's MAD Magazine. He's been a major influence on some of our best writers, and starting in April, he's going to be's newest columnist. "Seanbaby's Flying Blind on a Rocket Cycle" will be our first new column since Robert Brockway came along back in November and started punching words through your computer screen. Today, we're introducing him to some of you, and reintroducing him to the rest, with his look back at some of the most disturbingly erotic old school games.

Just like orphans and tap dancing, eroticism and video games were meant to be together. Barrel-throwing gorillas and nudity are a perfect match, and sand paintings show that even as far back as ancient Egypt primitive man has been mixing pornography with Zaxxon. But "adult game" designers often cross the line between sexily risque and fucking lunacy.

Warning: Some of the things and the breasts attached to them discussed in this article may confuse and frighten younger readers. If you are one of them, please stop reading and go play any of the games where you splatter the heads off of aliens with a rocket launcher.

Bubble Bath Babes (NES)

One day, a game designer was playing Tetris and said, "What if I was playing this type of game, but at the same time had a huge erection?" Bubble Bath Babes was born. It's a lot like Tetris, only there's a naked woman on the screen as you play.

Also, as you do well, the game shows you screenshots of slutty women surrounded by flowers and screaming about bubble baths. For example, one girl in a bikini shrieks, "WAY TO GO HOT SHOT! CARE TO LATHER ME UP?" And if that doesn't put you in the mood for sex and Tetris at the same time, you're either a robot or a gay robot.

Eroticism: 2/10

While the screenshots you earn in Bubble Bath Babes are easier to masturbate to than any of the bonus screens the original Tetris gave you, they're still not that sexy. When a badly rendered woman who clearly can't speak English is trying to seduce someone with puns about soap bubbles, it's an uphill battle. It doesn't matter how attractive she is. She could be playfully washing your car with a group of topless cheerleaders, but when the words "POP MY BUBBLE NOW I BET I CAN MAKE YOUR'S BURST!" come out of her mouth, you're going to be a little too busy backing cautiously away to have anyone bursting all over your bubbles.

Nudity Challenge: 9/10

Each level, the screaming women get more and more nude, losing a little bit more of their mind each time. So by the point of full nudity, you'll probably have to strap a straitjacket on her anyway. Not that anyone would know. Getting them out of their panties requires such a fantastic level of hand-eye coordination and rapid reflexes that it becomes a death trap. Because if you masturbated using your amazing dexterity, there's a good chance it'll end with a pleasure-induced brain seizure and a fucking disturbing corpse for your landlord to find.

Strip Fighter 2 (Turbo Grafix 16)

This is a tit-based spoof of Street Fighter 2. Karate women face off in a pit fighting tournament where the winner takes home naked pictures of other women. Like in all fighting games, they come from varied backgrounds and cultures. There's a girl in a swimsuit and matching bird-shaped hat, a fat pro wrestler, a ballerina in her lingerie and a woman who's just wearing a snake.

Unlike other games where they come together for the glory of victory or the conquering of some retarded combat-dimension-thing, the fighting spirit that binds these noble warrior souls together is the fact that most of their martial art techniques revolve around showing their panties to one other.

Eroticism: 3/10

There were a lot of half-naked people already in Street Fighter 2, so the actual game doesn't even seem unusually erotic. Yes, I understand there is something wrong with an industry when a group of women kicking the crap out of each other in thongs is totally normal, but fuck that; I'm not a sociologist. I'm just telling you that probably nothing in this game is going to turn you on until you win a picture of a naked girl.

If you can get off to this, I hope you're reading from
inside something with a good lock on it.

Unfortunately, that's when it gets a little bit creepy. Before the camera pans down her strategically blurred body, there's an inept attempt by the graphic artists to make it look like the girl's winking at you. A stupid graphic of an eyelid slides over one eye then disappears. And I don't know if you've ever seen anyone wink without moving the rest of their face, but it looks less like flirting and more like a horrible sleepy-waky baby doll with a broken eyeball.


Nudity Challenge: 7/10

You only earn pictures of naked women if you beat the game on a high level of difficulty, and the fact that each character has a total of three possible attacks makes it hard to keep your enemies guessing. And Strip Fighter 2's controls are so unresponsive, you usually can't tell which of the women you're supposed to be controlling. I forgot, am I the fatty or the bird-headed Indian? And more importantly, how in the name of balls can I masturbate to either?

Since it's hard to stay awake through a whole fight, you can usually only tell if you've won if you get the terrifying winking naked woman afterward.

Burning Desire (Atari 2600)

In Burning Desire, you play the role of a naked air rescue worker swooping in to save a woman from cannibals. She's tied to a pedestal and being slowly burned to death. For your daring rescue, you dangle yourself from a helicopter and drip the fire out with one of the two rod-shaped things jutting out of your pelvis. I'm not a physiologist, but I'd like to think the one squirting all over the fire and the distressed lady's face is a fire hose and not a monstrous ejaculating penis, but because this was released as an ADULT game, I have a feeling we should all be pretty grossed out.

Two things growing out of your groin, and both of them
are longer than your legs.

Eroticism: 1/10

Once you put out the fires that are cooking the woman alive, you lower yourself down to her. Her near-food experience didn't make her any less cock crazy, so she'll grab your previously unused, non-squirting rod with her mouth and hold on with her teeth as you fly away. So if you're still trying to solve the mystery that the bad graphics have given us, you're either a rescue worker carrying a fire hose and airlifting a woman out mouth-first with your penis, or you have double the normal amount of reproductive organs, one of them a handle and the other a fire extinguisher. Whichever of those fantasies this erotic game is trying to create, unnhh! oh my God-- ohmigod I NEED THIS GAME INSIDE ME!!!

Nudity Challenge: 2/10

Putting out the fire takes a few minutes, and while you're doing it, the only thing natives can do is throw rocks at the strange flying machine stealing their lunch. And just like you'd expect, a rock is no match for a helicopter dangling a naked man with a groin that can put out forest fires. The actual rescue is simple, but your only reward is a blink-and-you'll-miss-it animation of a half-monster woman sixty-nining you.

"Thank you, miss, but I'm just doing my job. There's no reason
to... um, sit on my face and suck my balls."

And if riding out of the jungle biting on the end of a man's unit didn't give you a good indication of how smart this woman is, it takes this dumbass all of three seconds to find her way from your face back to the native people's cooking pot to start the whole ordeal over.

The Yakyuken Special (Sega Saturn)

The Yakyuken Special is a complicated game. First you select from a stable of cute Japanese girls to play Rock-Paper-Scissors against. Actually, "cute" isn't the right word for all of them. Some of these girls are at least half donkey. After you pick one, she politely gives her name, measurements and age, and then challenges you to Rock-Paper-Scissors. If you win, she removes a piece of clothing. Then there's a video of her dancing. But not a sexy, stripper dance. All the girls dance like adorable bouncing princesses.

"Little girl! Listen very carefully! Run away from the man
with the camera--run away as fast as you can!"

Of course, this is a game from Japan. We should just be happy that an octopus demon didn't slither into the room and take a crap on her forehead.

Eroticism: 8/10

The innocence never leaves these dancing girls' faces. There are times where you swear they have no idea that getting naked and dancing on a Sega Saturn is naughty. They have the same demeanor they'd have if they were performing in a talent show for their grandmothers. That means that no matter how naked they get, you, the player, are the one who feels dirty. Here's the thing, though: That doesn't make it less hot. Because whether you're innocently smiling while you hop in your underwear or climbing a sleazy juice-bar's pole with your vagina, if you're an Asian teenager, perverted old men are going to like it.

Nudity Challenge: 9.5/10

Each strip-showdown lasts until someone loses five times. By that time, it's either game over, or you're watching a prancing nude girl spread the spirit of friendship with her smile and exposed nipples.

Above: The Yakyuken Special is unleashed! Inset: ass

Unfortunately, this game cheats. I swear it fucking cheats. Statistically, in Rock-Paper-Scissors, you should win about half the games. Here you maybe win one out of every 50 games. If you manage to spend the time and effort required to get a girl in this game to adorably peel her panties off, you probably could have gotten laid 30 to 40 times by actual women. The Yakyuken Special is like buying a stack of porno and only letting yourself read it if you can call a coin-flip 50 times in a row. That being said, believe this: You can lose at this game for 10 hours and spend each minute of it happy.

Gigolo (Atari 2600)

Note: For censorship reasons, all genitalia referred to in this particular review have had their original names replaced with the name of a vehicle.

With your Gigolo game cartridge and a little imagination, you and your Atari 2600 could go on an exciting ride into the world of street prostitution. The object of the game is to go from door to door and hump any men you find inside. When you find a customer, the game switches to an action sequence of you riding his throbbing Dune Buggy in his unfurnished apartment. Press the joystick up to shift your Hovercraft to the tip of his Fire Truck, then press the joystick down to slide your Rollerskate back down to the base of his Speedboat. You receive one dollar for each of these successful humps.

When the John is finished with you, you'll know, because he'll kick your cheap Dirtbike out onto the sidewalk. It's then up to you have to navigate through the empty streets and return the money to your pimp's walk-up window. The only real challenge of the game comes from the fact that many random houses contain people unwilling to solicit a prostitute, and they will throw you into the street and call the police. Then it becomes a mad scramble to escape the cops by ducking into houses and hoping someone in there will let you lay low while they pay you to bounce up and down on their Helicopter.

Eroticism: 1/10

Assuming this wasn't the Atari 2600 and the graphics DIDN'T look like two oatmeal robots humping, there's still nothing that desirable about running from house to house, jumping on strange naked men and fucking them on the carpet: take it from me.

Nudity Challenge: 3/10

You only get three lives, represented by small Paddle Boats in the top left hand corner, and you lose one every time the police arrest you. You'll run through these pretty quickly since you can't know if anyone's interested in the affordable treats in your pants until you barge right into their house and whip out your Zambonie.

As you can see, this customer has spent so much of his money on your
Big Wheel that he couldn't afford a bed.

That means that if you're unlucky, a lot of games of Gigolo end without even one opportunity to sell your sweet Rocket Ship. You won't mind losing, though; since controlling the stroking of someone's Bobsled in and out of your Forklift isn't much of a reward.

Cho Aniki (Playstation)

It was inevitable that a Japanese game designer would follow their Japanese/English dictionary along a trail of mistranslation leading from "happy" to "whimsical" to "gay" and finally to "fucking hell, that is ass-demolishing gay." It looks like that's what happened here. Cho Aniki is a cross between Gradius and lubricated men having sex with each other. You start the game as a nine-story flying man in a Speedo firing lasers out of your viking hat, and yes you read the beginning of this sentence correctly.

The main boss is a pyramid of men in bikinis launching Skittles out of
their mouths.

After a few minutes of this, you are transported to a dimension of pure homoerotica. You swim through the air with your two nude male assistants, who follow beside you and recline into various sexy positions. The three of you fight off hordes of tiny chariots filled with naked men, rocket-powered dildos with naked men dangling from them and giant naked men using other giant naked men as pogo sticks.

Eroticism: 0/10

Let me try to paint this baby-oil massage of a mental picture: The first boss is a monstrously huge man wearing a metal sphere for a codpiece. As you blast it, a second phallic-shaped man comes out of his crotch and tries to jab you with his stretching penis-arms and penis-head. While this is all going on, humpy jazz music is being mixed with the sounds of a woman panting. That sound you're hearing is probably you screaming, either from homophobic panic or from someone putting things up your ass.

Nudity Challenge: 0/10

The game itself isn't that hard if you know what you're doing. The only tough part is keeping your hand-eye coordination when things like a severed head riding a penis tries to kill you.

If you lose, one or both of your naked men fall in love with the stage boss.

Plus, even if you're terrible at it, and can't unlock the later, gayer levels, the game's intro features all the grinning, posing naked men you could ever want. It's not the worst shooter ever made, but it is the worst shooter to advocate putting your mouth on a man's asshole, and that's a good way for an impressionable kid to catch dysentery.

Beat 'em & Eat 'em (Atari 2600)

The object of Beat 'em & Eat 'em is simple. You control two naked women who run back and forth trying to catch falling semen in their mouth. You might ask why someone would do something like that. Well, the manual says that each drop of this stranger's seed "could have been a famous doctor or lawyer." The problem with that, and this is an actual medical fact, is that whether you swallow sperm from the sky or let it splatter all over the sidewalk, it's going to give you the same number of famous baby lawyers: zero. Also, if someone is masturbating off a roof onto people's heads, chances are he's not the best gene stock.

I suppose we shouldn't expect the designers of a game about a penis with a head stroking itself to be geniuses, but what happens when they settle down with their Beat 'em & Eat 'em royalties and want to have children? "You're still not pregnant, honey? Are you even eating the sperm I'm squirting off the roof?"

Eroticism: 1/10

There's something non-erotic about skipping past the courting, past the foreplay, past the actual sex and getting straight to the sperm-swallowing. They might as well have skipped directly to sleeping on the wet spot.

Nudity Challenge: 8/10

This game gets hard. I don't know how long this naked fruitcake on the roof has been without coitus, but his balls have a hell of a lot of germ waiting to be spurted free. As the game goes on, his seed falls like the goddamn rain and catching all of it in your mouth requires a miracle of perversion and reflexes. However, for each falling wave of future doctors you manage to swallow, you're rewarded with a disgusting animation of the women licking their lips. And due to the primitive graphics of the 2600, their attempt at drawing lips made it look like they have full beards.

Custer's Revenge (Atari 2600)

Custer's Revenge is a dramatic historical recreation of the battle of Little Big Horn, slightly rewritten to appeal to our adult fantasies. Instead of being killed by the savage godless Sioux and Cheyanne Indians, Custer wades through a hail of arrows to hump a woman tied to a cactus. I know what you're saying: "Finally, I can use our country's bloodiest military disaster as foreplay!"

Eroticism: 2/10

The way Custer's manhood dangles and sways in the wind in perfect rhythm with his pink scarf creates an image more majestic than any Montana sky. However, the American Indian he's sexually assaulting sort of looks like a cocktail wienie on a toothpick. Concerned parents might be wondering how to explain this level of intense sexuality to your children. Well, the Custer's Revenge manual advises, "If the kids catch you and should ask, tell them Custer and the maiden are just dancing." This advice is moot, though, since if you're the kind of parent who jerks it to what looks like a gay cowboy humping a hot dog made out of Legos, you're probably reading this far, far away from the safe location to which child services has moved your children.

To their credit, despite a hail of deadly arrows, they're all smiles!

Nudity Challenge: 3/10

Getting across the screen to score points with your pelvis is mostly a matter of luck since if you see an arrow is coming at you, you usually can't move fast enough get out of its way. Also, cacti appear randomly to skewer your wang without warning. These are both formidable obstacles on your noble quest, but the real challenge must have come when Custer had to convince the seventh cavalry to go through with this operation.

Custer: "Gentlemen, you are the bravest squadron of men it has ever been this Southerner's privilege to serve with. And you will need that bravery today, as your orders are to remove my pants and underpants. I will then attempt to force sex on an Indian girl under heavy enemy fire. Are there any questions?"

Custer's military advisor: "Yes, general. Several."

Boong-Ga Boong-Ga (Arcade)

Developed by Koreans for the Japanese, Boong-Ga Boong-Ga is the first arcade game that combines of assaulting assholes and fortune-telling. You select from eight characters like "Mother-in-Law," "Con artist" and "Child Molester" and then, steel yourself for this, you ram a giant plastic finger into an ass that protrudes out from the arcade unit next to the words "HAVE A FUN!! ENJOY." As you poke, spank and probe, the game plays an animation of your victim wailing in pain, and then the game, and I'm not fucking kidding, rates your sexual virility based on the impact of your finger against its virtual colon. Oh, and its corporate mascot is a six-foot magical monster made out of turd.

Boong-Ga Boong-Ga's corporate mascots, a finger beast
and a turd in pajamas.

If you're anything like me, you've already asked yourself about the dangers of this technology being in the hands of two foreign powers known for giant radioactive monsters and nuclear weapons, respectively. And again, if you're like me, this train of thought quickly hits a wall when you realize that you're not an accredited expert on foreign colon-probing policies. So until one of us is, let's just assume that we're all going to die, but not quite as quickly if we stay far away from Boong-Ga Boong-Ga.

Eroticism: ?/10

Since the entire idea behind this mess confuses me, I couldn't give it a fair Eroticism rating. So to come up with your own personal rating for how erotic this game is, rate the likelihood of you ever saying this sentence: "I am so horny after being at the arcade pretending to jam my finger up a child molester's asshole all day!"

If this game really wanted to help the world, it would
drop a steel cage around anyone who puts a quarter in it.

Nudity Challenge: 0/10

There's really no nudity to earn in this game, but after a successful game, a card pops out of the machine that "will explain your sexual behavior." And guessing what kind of people would assault a toy ass in public, it's a safe bet that each and every card reads, "You sex life big time number one disaster of freakish criminal behavior."

Miss World '96 Nude (Arcade)

The object of Miss World '96 Nude is to draw out areas of the screen to uncover a picture of a nude woman. The challenge comes from the creatures who try to ram into and kill you while you're drawing. For those familiar with it, it's exactly like the game Qix, only here you "will meet hot beautiful girl." And even though it's called Miss World '96 Nude, some of the nations' women were misinformed and kept their underwear or swimsuits on. On the other hand, some nations went a little too far and are represented by women who look like they were photographed by a man trying to climb up their birth canals.

Eroticism: -16/10

Most of the women in this game look good, that's not the problem. The problem is that at random points during gameplay, a little girl's head appears, shouts "TURNING!" and then transforms into Dracula. Then, the nude photo you're uncovering switches into a scene of absolute horror.

Hey, this isn't so bad at all...


Growling demon heads grow smaller demon heads out of their faces, and unleash an onslaught of terror that will cease any self-gratification you might have been starting on. The maggot-dripping vision of terror does eventually turn back into a topless girl, but by then the point is moot. It doesn't matter if a lump of dead bodies burning in a fiery pit of hell turns into the most beautiful girl you've ever seen--you're still done thinking about sex for awhile.

Nudity Challenge: 6/10

While it will probably take a few quarters and a strong stomach for demonic organ-launching madness to reveal an entire nude picture, each woman's body is silhouetted before you uncover it.

So if you have basic silhouette-decyphering skills, you can go straight for the body part you most want to look at. For example, if you like armpits, it's pretty easy to figure out where her armpits are and draw out the area around them. But keep your quarters. If you can get off on an armpit that transforms into Pinhead then back into an armpit, chances are you could masturbate to anything.

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