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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Discovering Porn (On Your Boyfriend’s Computer)


I was innocently looking for Christmas present ideas on his computer. Literally, I was typing in “fireplace tools” in Google. And, as he turned to me and said hey, let’s watch this show together, I knew I had to quit. Me, being the Web geek that I am, immediately went to his Web history to erase my clues. That’s when I found it: a full history of porn sites. How did I know? Well, let’s just say the terms were a bit revealing. Shocked, I clicked on one. Password protected. Wow, not even just porn history, but registered porn history, credit-card-paid-subscription porn history. My stomach sank.

We have been together now for a year and a half. I recall casual conversations about this in the early days, and I’m pretty sure I asked and I’m pretty sure he denied. I remember having the “have you ever watched it with another boyfriend/girlfriend” conversation and I recall him saying yes and me saying no. I know I asked about it because my last boyfriend hid it from me, and I also discovered it, at which point he got angry, defensive, and accused me of being inadequate. So, you can see where my baggage begins

Cut to this relationship: much more open, much healthier, happier, and I dare say, great in the sex department. Great, meaning traditionally great—nothing too non-traditional, no costumes, no toys, no role-playing, and until this moment, no porn. So, my first thought was—why? Should I have initiated a costume? A toy? Am I not enough? I looked over him, his image on the couch with my dog starkly opposing the names I was seeing in his history (and not just the names but the amount of sites—I mean how long does it take to get horny on a Friday night when your girlfriend is out of town?). In my last relationship I would have just closed the browser, silently freaked out, and waited until my next bottle of wine to unleash irrationally on the topic. I am slowly learning that this is not always the best way to open a can of worms. I couldn’t take it. So, I just called it out. “Hey, I was searching for your Christmas present online and found all of your porn sites.”

We talked about it. And, it reigns up there as one of the most uncomfortable conversations I think we both have ever had. He was not defensive, nor was he angry. In fact most of the time he was blushing, like a little kid whose mom found Playboy under his bed (note: I do NOT want to be anyone’s mom, but this was the emotion I felt). After a while a few things came out of him and of me:

Me first:

  • Are you doing this because you are unhappy sexually with us?
  • Are there things you watch here that you want to do, but have been unable to initiate with me, don’t want to do with me, or that I do not inspire in you?
  • Do you see me as your “wife type” and these are your “vixens” and the two are totally separate?
  • Are you looking at young girls that would be considered illegal?
  • Are you looking at gay sex with two men? (Let it be known, I have nothing against gay sex. My issue here is that if my boyfriend is struggling with his sexuality I would rather he do it outside a monogamous heterosexual relationship).
  • Are you looking at anything that involves any kind of violence? Animals?

I gave a disclaimer before I asked these. I said, look, I know you are a good person. But my sister had a friend whose husband was caught online chatting with an illegally young girl, and no one would have ever guessed, including the wife. These stories are out there. There are people who look at porn in an unhealthy way. I need to know that this is not what we are talking about here and you need to be honest with me.

He said:

  • Every one does it. It is normal.
  • He does it every once in a while. It goes through stages.
  • He loves our sex life and is not doing this because he is unhappy with us.
  • He does not look at anything scary, illegal, or gay.

  • He has never watched porn with another girlfriend, but he has watched it prior to being with me. (He later admitted that he might not have been totally honest with me in the beginning due to embarrassment.)
  • He said he thought I was sexy and I had a hot body (Ok, honestly, I almost stopped here. Will we ever tire of hearing this?)
  • He admitted this was an embarrassing conversation that he had never had with another girl, and, more importantly, he said he was actually glad after we had it.
  • He said this would be a good time to tell me: he has caught me masturbating in my sleep. Several times.
    • He has never watched porn with another girlfriend, but he has watched it prior to being with me. (He later admitted that he might not have been totally honest with me in the beginning due to embarrassment.)
    • He said he thought I was sexy and I had a hot body (Ok, honestly, I almost stopped here. Will we ever tire of hearing this?)
    • He admitted this was an embarrassing conversation that he had never had with another girl, and, more importantly, he said he was actually glad after we had it.
    • He said this would be a good time to tell me: he has caught me masturbating in my sleep. Several times.

    Whoa. Ok, so the doors flew wide open at that point—masturbating while asleep? Talk about embarrassing. And remember, this has been for a year and a half. Oh boy.

    So, after a few days I started thinking about all of this. And it comes down to a few things. We’re all sexual, and to be honest, we have many sides to this sexuality. We have our past, which really, only we know about. Someone else might piece it together with some serious detective work across years, partners, cities, and doctors, but it’s unlikely. We have the time we spend alone, which unless there are hidden cameras in the bedroom or in the mind, no one really knows that story either. And, we have the sexuality we share with a partner (yes, sadly this comes and goes and we are back to that alone time again). The partner part is only a slice of that sexuality.

    The challenge is allowing that partner to have that slice without being intimidated or threatened by it. I believe that only comes with honesty and discussion. I realized that sex was a really hard thing to talk about with someone. But I also realized that by doing it, I unveiled some of my own baggage. I was raised with all girls whose only exposure to porn in any sense was accidentally finding my Dad’s Playboy stash. I was raised in a home where sex was to be avoided until marriage, and then it was something you figured out on your own. After stumbling my way past virginity and a few partners, I carried those ideas and thoughts with me. The years exposed me to the topics of abortion and diseases, which only made me want to avoid it altogether.


My last boyfriend cheated on me—twice—while we were long distance. He was also the one who also told me I was sexually inadequate to him. That’s a lot to bring in to a porn history list on a computer on a Sunday afternoon. But without this event, my current partner and I would have just delayed or never had these discussions.

He too, admitted a few things. He said he is at heart traditional—his favorite position is missionary. He said he feels completely fulfilled. He said to him, when we have sex he sees me and us and our relationship as part of the act and because of that it is a deep emotional experience for him. He said the porn was a quick way to deal with being horny, and it was not anything to compare.

Later that week I was talking to my friend about the chain of events. She said “Oh God, that’s no big deal, everyone does it. Did you not have brothers?” She talked of her conversations with her husband (who does it too). I asked her if she felt threatened by it, and she replied, “Seriously? Threatened by a guy who watches two girls getting each other off with one hand on the laptop mouse and the other on his crotch? No way.”

She had a point.

But, my point was—can sex always be as he sees it now? Will it always be this deep emotional connection (with orgasm of course)? And when it isn’t, what then? I brought this up too, and if nothing else, I’m glad I found the porn so that we could have this conversation. I said at some point, the sex might get dull. And I need to know that my partner is someone who can talk about this and not reach out to his computer or another woman to solve it. I want to know that if I want to us to try tantric sex (which I read about in my yoga magazine and actually do want to try at some point) or ask him to do something for me that I won’t feel wrong or awkward.

I still cringe at the thought of those site names and the picture of the whole scenario. But who likes thinking about their monogamous partner in that light? I have started to come to the conclusion that the last thing I want to do in a relationship is stifle someone. And I have to admit to my own sexual baggage, which colors every sexual experience as I face it. So, I have to let that image go. There are some things in an open relationship you don’t need to know in detail. I am glad to know he does it because I don’t want any secrets. I don’t, however, need to know his favorite site, character, or image. We as individuals need to have our private time—without it we are solely relying on someone else to define our sexuality, which cannot be healthy. Exploring sexuality in a committed relationship should not mean cheating. To me that’s just a continuum of identifying sexually through someone else. It does mean talking, and trying, and respecting, and always making time to do it together (as well as alone).

Original here


Six steps to help you beat procrastination

You've got to ask Tim Pychyl, Carleton University professor and expert on procrastination: "Do you procrastinate?"

"No," he laughs. "Not anymore." As an undergraduate, putting off assignments was "the bane of my existence," but as a procrastination researcher, he long ago had it beat.

"When the temptation strikes to put something off to tomorrow" -- he admits the appeal never completely disappears -- "I just get started on it right then."

So, even in the darkness of 6 a.m. when another 15 minutes in bed sounds great, he says to himself: " 'Get your sorry little butt out of bed. The horses are hungry. Get up!' And when I'm up, I'm happier."

He and his wife, Beth Rohr, have two horses, eight sled dogs and two children under three at their country home near Kinburn.

Add in research and teaching and it's an exceedingly busy life. He readily supplies anti-procrastination tips.

1: Simple honesty with yourself is "huge, huge."

Identify clues you're about to put off writing a paper, exercising, picking something up off the floor or flossing your teeth. If you're checking e-mails instead of doing the real job, he says, don't take refuge in the "It-will-only-take-a-minute" rationalization.

People "keep going and going" on these only-a-minute jobs. "Turn it around. Realize that many jobs literally only take a minute, so let's do it right now. It's only going to take a minute."

2: Prime the pump. "Once we get started, we wonder 'Why did I put it off'?" Make a deal with yourself to work on a task for 15 minutes -- almost anything is endurable for that period -- and with resistance overcome, momentum to continue usually takes over.

3: (useful for the easily-distracted, impulsive and instant-gratification seekers): Shut off your e-mail, msn and your phone. Don't have Facebook open. Make a deal that two hours later you can check them.

4: Individuals weak in emotional steadiness, conscientiousness or organization need to break down tasks into pieces, and finish one piece at a time.

5: Listen to what psychologists term "self talk," what you're saying to yourself. A person plagued with self-doubt -- not living up to other people's standards -- needs to say "This isn't the end of the world. This is just the way I react emotionally" instead of moving away from the task.

6: Use mindful meditation by focusing on your breath. A recent study by Carleton undergraduate researcher Ari Rotblatt confirms that this simple practice builds concentration power.

l

Why specialize in procrastination? Tim was fascinated with finding out why people's behaviour breaks down to the point they become "their own worst enemy -- the only person standing in their way."

He majored in biology, intending to specialize in animal behaviour, but his graduate thesis adviser was studying how personal projects affect people's happiness. Tim interviewed graduate students only to find many of them in procrastination paralysis as they pursued their degrees.

As an undergraduate, he so disliked university that he left after his third year. Procrastination played its part, but mostly he skipped classes and assignments because he lacked direction. "That's why I'm so understanding of students who lose their way."

In fact, he says he struggled for many years to find out where he "belonged." It took him, briefly, to an Anglican seminary at London, Ont.'s Huron College and afterwards, also briefly, to an Upstate New York Roman Catholic monastery where he considered the life of a contemplator. He rose at 4:30 or 5 a.m. and lived under a vow of silence.

After a stint as a tennis instructor, a wilderness instructor and a manager of an Ottawa outfitting business, he returned to university to study linguistics, education and psychology and wound up with five degrees and a job as a professor.

He's been an associate dean, adviser to undergraduate and graduate thesis students, winner of teaching awards and a pioneer in bringing technology into the lecture hall and classroom.

But he still does exams the old-fashioned way: In December, he graded 320 undergraduate essay finals, often after his family was in bed, until 1:30 a.m. "It's a brutal task, takes a week." Multiple choice exams are easier to grade, he says, but adds "I don't think an intellectual life can be done without writing. It's not just about knowing; it's about being able to communicate."

Director of the Procrastination Research Group at Carleton University, Tim created the research-rich procrastination.ca website with its Carpe Diem cartoon strip, illustrated by Paul Mason, and the iProcrastinate Podcasts.

He records his lectures and uploads them as podcasts for his students. On Wednesday, podcast requests totalled 103,541 from around the world -- 284 alone on Tuesday. His topics include: Cyberslacking and the Procrastination Superhighway; Mindful Mindfulness Meditation and Procrastination; Fear of Failure and Procrastination, The Positive Side of Planning: Why a time management approach might work, and Personality and Procrastination.

But the intellectual life needs balance. He credits his sled dogs -- he has eight now, but once had 20 after being smitten by mushing mania in 1987 -- with helping keep his life in equilibrium.

"In fact, when I wrote my PhD thesis in 1995, I drove my dog team up to a cottage near Cobden (between Pembroke and Renfrew) and basically all I did is write and run dogs, write and run dogs."

(Affectionately known by fellow mushers as Dr. Procrastinator, Tim set the record straight after last week's column wrongly stated that his two Alaskan huskies -- Fishhead and Vulka -- came directly from Lance Mackey. Mackey last year became the first musher ever to win the Iditarod and Yukon Quest. Fishhead was bred by Zoya Denure and John Schandelmeier, a former Yukon Quest champion and a dog musher who excels at dog care and rescue. Zoya bought Vulka from Mackey, who sold her to Tim.)

On the intellectual side, Tim has conducted more than a dozen studies with the help of graduate students and colleagues. Some conclusions:

? A Carleton University study found that students who procrastinate eat less nutritiously, sleep less and drink more alcohol than those who finish assignments fast. (U.S. studies show that up to 70 per cent of students admit to procrastination.)

? Individuals with a weak ego or sense of identity -- who react rather than assess and who avoid problem-solving and decision-making -- procrastinate more.

? Procrastinators are more likely to describe themselves as stressed or ill, to delay seeking medical treatment and to not eat well or to exercise.

? Procrastinators use drugs and alcohol more often than people who take initiative -- possibly to reduce stress created by procrastination .

? Forty-five Carleton University students paged over several days ("What are you doing right now?") gave 1,800 separate responses. Students who were playing pool or watching TV instead of studying for a statistics exam unsurprisingly rated study as more unpleasant, stressful, difficult, important and confusing than their escapist activity.

The procrastinators registered high on guilt and low on motivation. But if paged during study, they ranked it as more pleasant and less stressful than they had before hitting the books.

? On a Carleton Internet questionnaire, North American respondents said they spent an average 3.5 hours on the Internet and nearly half of it procrastinating. Tim says the 2001 study probably underestimates today's online procrastination by a factor of three.

Or, using new vocabulary: "Cyberslacking" is producing "mouse potatoes" stressed by "cyberguilt."

Tim says he sees projects in wilderness-training and childhood-scouting terms.

He recalls "gruesome portages when the air is full of mosquitoes, the canoe is cutting into your neck and it's muddy. When you get to the end, you will have this beautiful swim.

"So you say 'This is tough, but I can do it'."

DONNA JACOBS is an Ottawa writer; her e-mail is donnabjacobs@hotmail.com

Original here

A Daughter's True Love

Seliethia Parker always saw her role as protector for her 7-year-old daughter, Alexis Goggins. But it was Alexis who ended up saving her mother's life by using her little body to shield her mom from a fusillade of bullets.

A young girl shielded her mother from the gunfire of an ex-boyfriend.

Doctors told Parker that her heroic little daughter, who was shot six times, would never walk or talk again.

But Alexis has surprised people with her gritty toughness. She's not only walking and talking, she's expected to have a full recovery.

"Everybody's still kind of shocked. This is progressing a little bit more than everybody expected," Parker said on "Good Morning America" today. "They said she should fully recover."

Alexis was shot last December when she and her mother were about to get into a car driven by Parker's female friend. Parker's former boyfriend, 29-year-old Calvin Tillie, jumped out of nearby bushes and forced his way into the car.

They drove for several minutes before Parker's friend was able to pull over to a gas station, under the pretense of needing fuel. There she called Detroit police while Parker and Alexis remained in the car.

Parker pleaded desperately with Tillie not to harm her or her daughter, but to no avail.

"Me and Alexis was left in the car with him at gunpoint and he starting shooting," Parker told GMA.

Fearing for her mother's life, Alexis bolted into the car's front seat, crying out, "Don't hurt my mother."

"Alexis jumped over the seat to try and save my life," Parker said.

Using her tiny body as a shield, Alexis blocked six gunshots from hitting her mother. The bullets pierced her right eye, chin, cheek, chest and jaw. When police arrived to the scene, they found Alexis in a pool of blood, curled beneath the steering wheel.

Parker also had been shot in the side of the head and the arm.

Both Parker and her daughter survived, though Alexis endured two painful months in the hospital and underwent six surgeries. Despite doctors' prediction that Alexis may never walk or talk again, Alexis is thriving.

Alexis said she doesn't consider herself a hero and said she wasn't scared during the event.

"I saved my mom," she said and added she loved her mother a lot and didn't want to see her get hurt.

Parker has endless gratitude for her selfless daughter.

"She's my angel and I love her to death," she said.

The man who allegedly attacked the pair is charged with two counts of assault with intent to commit murder. Tillie, a former convict on parole, also was charged with other offenses.

The Associated Press contributed to this report

Original here

Man Survives 1,500-Ft. Drop Down Mt. St. Helens

An experienced snowmobiler, John Slemp, 52, of Damascus, Ore., miraculously survived a 1,500-foot plummet into the crater of Mt. St. Helens. He is the first person ever to fall into the crater.

After dropping into the crater of Mount St. Helens, John Slemp miraculously survived with minor injuries.
After dropping into the crater of Mount St. Helens, John Slemp miraculously survived with minor injuries.
(ABC News)

On Saturday, Slemp, his son Jared and a family friend took their snowmobiles up to the crater's rim, where John and Jared parked their vehicles, then crawled on their bellies to peer over the cornice — a dangerous overhanging shelf of snow at the crest of a mountain — into the crater itself.

The cornice broke loose and Slemp dropped about 150 feet. His son began to slide down with him until their friend grabbed him and pulled him back to safety. The elder Slemp landed on a snow bank, but when he stood to climb back up the crater, the shelf of snow crumbled beneath him and he tumbled about 1,300 feet further down the crater, riding a tidal wave of avalanche debris on his hands and knees.

At 5:20 p.m. PT, the sheriff's office received a phone call that a man had fallen off the crater rim but was up and moving around.

"I'm not surprised," Undersheriff Dave Cox said. "There was an avalanche warning in effect and the weather conditions were such that, for that elevation, the snow was unstable. There were high temperatures, which means the snow was starting to melt ... [Slemp] just happened to be the impetus that caused that cornice to give way."

The coordinator of the rescue, Chief Tom McDowell, director of North Country emergency medical service, said Slemp first made a vertical drop of about 100 to 200 feet, then hit a snow bank and tumbled until the crater leveled out.

"We've always anticipated anyone falls off the crater rim is not gonna survive," McDowell said.

But Slemp was wearing a heavy snowmobile suit as well as a helmet and heavy boots, and he happened to fall in an area without craggy crevices or boulders which could have killed him.

"[He] picked a great place to do this," Gary Kapezynski, the training coordinator for the volcano rescue team, said. "This was one of two places at the crater which were snow covered and there were very few cliffs ... if he'd have gone off in other places, I don't think he would have made it."

The two men at the top of the crater did not call rescuers themselves. Stuck there without a cell phone, they were equipped with only a family radio service walkie-talkie, which is usually only supposed to work within a range of a couple miles. According to McDowell, the walkie-talkie managed to randomly pick up the signal of a family of campers in Mossy Rock, a city about 20 miles away.

"[The camper] was the one who called the sheriff's office. He maintained contact with the people left on the crater rim, and he would relay information back and forth with me," McDowell said, "'Fortuitous' would be a good word to describe this."

By communicating through the camper, the rescuers knew that Slemp was fully conscious and even walking around.

McDowell dispatched a helicopter with two rescuers and equipment, and as the helicopter flew over the crater, the rescuers saw Slemp standing up and waving.

The helicopter descended about 1,500 feet into the crater, where the pilot performed what is called a one-skid landing — which is not actually a full landing but a tricky hover involving only a single part of the helicopter touching down.

"You hover with one skid pointed in the snow with very little clearance and [the pilot] was able to do that, let Will get out and get to the patient," Kapezynski said.

To pick up the rescuer and Slemp, the pilot "then [did] the same thing to go back in."

Slemp was pretty banged up but he was healthy enough to scramble down and get into the helicopter. His leg was splinted and the rescuers checked him out as the helicopter flew back.

The rescue effort was swift and wrapped up in 2.5 hours, by about 7:30 p.m. PT.

Cox said that injuries on Mt. St. Helens are fairly common. "We have injuries on the mountain just about yearly from people trying to climb ... you get people who are 'day hikers' who think it's just a stroll up to the crater rim, but it's still a fairly technical mountain to climb."

As Slemp left the crater in the rescue helicopter, his son and friend left the crater rim to return home in the car they drove in. Slemp appeared to have one more thing on his mind, and he made a request of his rescuers.

"Did you tell those guys that the car keys are in the snowmobile, parked at the top of Mt. St. Helens?" he asked.

Slemp was taken to Yacolt, Wash., for medical care, and transferred to Legacy Emanuel Hospital in Portland, Ore. The hospital did not return calls inquiring about Slemp's condition, but Slemp's brother-in-law Randy Fairley told ABC News that, to his knowledge, Slemp was recovering.
Original here

History's 7 Most Astounding Sexual Resumes


The most frequently asked question among Cracked readers has to be, "Is it possible I'm having too much sex?"

Fortunately, some have made history by letting us know just how much sex is possible, seemingly dedicated to testing the very upper limits of human humping. Such as ...

#7.
Chuck Negron

The lead singer of Three Dog Night took sex where it was never meant to go. Being the lead singer of a band back in the '70s, it's no surprise Negron has probably experienced things the rest of us can barely comprehend, such as a $2,000-a-day drug addiction. He took it further, however. Much further. So far, in fact, that his penis exploded. No, we're not speaking figuratively.

While Gene Simmons can claim he's slept with a bajillion women, based on the recently released tape of his coitus, his medicated-bear approach to love making isn't going to strain him any time soon. Chuck Negron, on the other hand, presumably experiencing an entirely new plane of reality with the helping hand of massive amounts of cocaine, worked his crank with so many women and with such drug-fuelled ferocity that a doctor told him it had become the tumescent equivalent of a lucky pair of boxers. Sure you want to keep using it, but the edges are frayed and the material holding it together is mostly made up of your hopes and prayers more than any real atomic bonds. One more tumble through the wash and she's done for.

This horror is outlined in Negron's autobiography, the writing of which apparently means he retained his sanity after what has to be the most traumatic event possible in this universe.

But like any addict, or man with a penis for that matter, Negron couldn't resist. Unofficial sources say Chuck was working his magic on a Miss America contestant when his wand broke, so to speak. According to one blogger's account of his meeting with Negron, the words "a hot dog in the microwave" were used as a description. This in turn probably means the Miss America contestant may have had to be institutionalized because there's no way seeing a burst-open wang is something they're trained to deal with.

So was it all worth it? You'll have to ask Chuck.

#6.
Xaviera Hollander

Known as the Happy Hooker, Hollander is who Eliot Spitzer would have been paying $1,000 a night for if he'd been in the market back in the '60s. And given the state of inflation, that means today she'd be making over $6,000. That's some expensive whoring, but despite the high prices, Hollander stayed busy. Boy, did she.

A one-time secretary from Holland, she decided a desk job was for suckers and maybe banging strangers for cash would be a more lucrative trade. And since we all know Holland has no debauchery at all, she left for America.

Hollander was New York's top madam back in the late '60s and early '70s, and even wrote a book about her life selling her ass that was made into a movie. Eventually she acquired a job writing a column for Penthouse, worked as a phone sex operator and wrote several books that were mostly about fucking.

If there was a way to be filthy, she tried her hand and probably one or two other body parts at it.

Of course it should be noted that she lays claim to having had sex with hundreds if not thousands of males throughout her career, including her sister's husband. And if you still don't understand why she gets singled out on this list, it should be further noted that we said "males" and not "men" or even "humans" for a reason, as Hollander got to know a German Shepherd in ways even your leg would be embarrassed about.

#5.
Casanova

Giacomo Girolamo Casanova de Seingalt is one of the most iconic man whores of all time. Known as one of the world's greatest lovers, he met popes, royalty, Voltaire and Mozart, probably leaving all of them wishing he'd given them a taste of his sweet, sweet love.

According to his autobiography he started his sexual life with something of a bang, losing his virginity at 16 to a pair of sisters who threw themselves at him. We're assuming that was the age Casanova decided he simply could no longer deny the world the benefits of his sexual superpowers.


And he was not a good-looking dude

Throughout his life he hopped all across Europe, partly for sport and partly because he got kicked out of nearly every city he went because he screwed more women than modern pay scales. More than once, his final act before leaving town was fighting a duel with someone over a woman he'd introduced to his penis. As a businessman he made and lost literal fortunes, amounts that would be in the millions today, because he had to continually pay off women who worked for him after some random night of debauchery or, once again, as a result of having to leave town due to various shenanigans he and his boner were up to.

Amongst his many conquests were a 14-year-old girl and a nun, who he reportedly had together at one point, we suspect after a friend bet him he couldn't do something sexually perverse enough to rip open a portal to Hell.


British actor David Tennant playing a pale, criminally unsexy Casanova

Later in life, after having his heart broken, Casanova is reported to have trained a parrot to say the girl was a bigger whore than her mother, before reselling it. Yes, Casanova basically took all those drunken lies we told at parties in college, and lived them for real.

#4.
John Holmes

"Johnny Wadd" was the porn star to end all porn stars. Appearing in over 2,500 flicks and inspiring films like Boogie Nights, Holmes was the Ron Jeremy of his time, only not as fat, hairy and horrifying. So not really like Ron Jeremy at all.

Discovered by a man at the next urinal staring at his package, Holmes started earning $3,000 a day for his movies by the late '70s. His claim to fame was having the dick that all other men merely claim to have. He once described it in a scholarly fashion as being "the size of two and one half 6-inch rulers" though his wife said it was closer to 10 inches. A woman can sense these things.

Holmes claimed to have had sex with 20,000 women, though he was known to be something of a bonehead and a liar who would often make up a story one day and recount it as truth the next. People with more of a reputation for honesty (and less of a reputation for sucking back as much cocaine as Holmes did) say the number was probably closer to 3,000, which for most people is still pretty impressive. Or disgusting. Really depends on one's outlook.


Altered photo: In original Holmes was not wearing Cracked.com brand underpants

As his drug habit forced him to start looking for creative new ways to make money, like prostituting himself to men and women and credit card fraud, he got caught up in some other illegal dealings, ended up in prison and eventually contracted HIV. He never told anyone in the industry about that, making him something of a giant douche.

There was even a rumor for a time that he had accidentally killed some dudes by having sex with them (due to his penis being the size of seven 2.1 inch rulers) and had been ordered by a judge never to have anal sex again.

A court psychologist diagnosed Holmes with antisocial personality disorder, which accounted for all the bullshit stories he told about himself, though maybe not for all the other ways he was a douchebag. It just goes to show that not every human flaw can be cured by having an enormous dong.

#3.
Caligula

Let's start by noting that when it came time to make a movie about Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, known as Caligula, nobody called Ridley Scott or Stanley Kubrick. No, for this particular Roman emperor, the only type of movie that would suffice was a 3-hour-long porno funded by Penthouse magazine.

That's because Caligula is mostly known for one thing: stark, raving depravity. Though some stories were most likely exaggerated and the sources can never be fully verified, the legacy he has left behind involves a lot of whores, adultery, incest and a horse that used to get invited to dinner and that he tried to get appointed as consul.

If the stories are to be believed, when not busy murdering people for fun or money or having people tossed in arenas with wild animals to amuse himself and his horse, Caligula was known for turning his palace into a brothel, something that just wouldn't fly in today's Buckingham Palace due to the Queen's poor hips.


Penthouse founder Bob Guccione on the naked set of Caligula

He also had a tendency to pick up any random women who interested him. Women at their own weddings, for instance, or pregnant women. Or one of his three sisters. Or the wives of people he was having dinner with, which he would inspect like mom looking for the best melon at the supermarket before taking them away, doing his business, then coming back and giving everyone else the highlights.

And being that variety is the spice of life, he was open to men as well. The son of a consular family "had buggered the Emperor, and quite worn himself out in the process," as one historian writes.

See, we would have paid more attention in history class if they hadn't kept leaving out stuff like this.

#2.
Marquis de Sade

Donatien Alphonse Fran├žois de Sade probably doesn't have a great reputation outside the whips and chain crowd, given that his major legacy is being the source of the word "sadism." If he was the Marquis de Fellatio or the Marquis de Philly Cheesesteak he might be more widely loved and respected, but oh well.

A French aristocrat and philosopher, Sade spent much of his life either incarcerated, both in prisons and nut houses, or doing things that would get him put in prisons and nut houses. A big fan of hookers, he was mostly known for engaging in nefarious and abusive acts that he probably had to pay extra for. What kind of acts? Things like poisoning them with Spanish Fly, or the scourge of polite society: sodomy. And, you know, the sadistic stuff that made him famous.


The only work-safe part of this picture

Like Caligula, Sade was a go-getter who viewed an ass as an ass regardless of whether it was male or female. During his time out of prison, he had problems retaining any staff as few maids and servants responded well to his buggering and gerbiling or whatever it was he was doing for kicks. When not on the run, he was known to arrange orgies around town, and apparently had a thing for mixing sex and blasphemy in unique and uncomfortable ways, such as inserting communion hosts where no communion hosts have gone before, or wanking with crucifixes.


Trust us, they're all naked

Even bloating with old age, Sade never really grew out of his debauchery, even when he found a woman willing to stay with him despite his reputation and nefarious hobbies. He died in prison, while having an affair with a teenager who worked there. We're thinking the man wasn't sorry.

#1.
Wilt Chamberlain

Not just an awesome Conan villain, Chamberlain was a monster on the court and is the only player to have ever scored 100 points in an NBA game. He was also the man who, like John Holmes, claimed to have banged 20,000 women. Though it was probably not the same 20,000 women because that would be an astonishing coincidence.

According to some people who know math, for Chamberlain's claim to be true he would have had to have sex with 1.14 women every day from the time he was 15 until he died. Factoring in things like sleep, work and his inability to score quite as often in his younger and later years, has him doing the deed with a different woman every three and a half hours. For 21 straight years.


Wilt's penis snags a rebound

While that makes it seem like most people doubt him, those who knew him said he easily arranged for threesomes and was known to have more than 23 women over the course of one 10 day road trip. Toss in a lot of charm, being rich and famous and the fact that the story is a lot cooler if it's true, and we see no reason to doubt it.


Wilt modestly hides his escaped penis with the ball; an opposing player averts his eyes

Chamberlain faced a lot of criticism for his claim, but always stuck by it and never said he was bragging, just laying it out there because people were curious, which is probably how at least a few of his sexual encounters started as well. And while Wilt seemed to feel like he had to constantly explain why he slept with enough women to populate a small city, we're pretty sure "Because he could" just about covers it.

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