Sunday, April 6, 2008

Singapore Superhero: Batman Bin Suparman

You should never judge a book by its cover, but what if that book turned out to be a comic? Batman Bin Suparman might not be a joke, but his name sure is.

In Singapore, English is the most widely used language and all names are translated or converted to English when their Birth Certificate is issued.

On May 13, 1990, this young man was blessed with being named after two superheroes: Batman and Superman.

Unfortunately we were unable to find the boy for comment, as no one seems to know his alter egos…

(Thx to WishBone)

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5 Hot Lady-Bots You Probably Shouldn't Have Sex With

A trained psychologist could probably say a lot about our society's fascination with hot female robots. In fact, the inability to produce a lifelike female sexbot was named as the single biggest scientific failure of the modern era in one survey of staff.

A closer look at lady-bots as portrayed in film may give us reason to reconsider ...

Terminatrix: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

While Skynet began its campaign to send robots to exterminate the human race with Arnold Schwarzenegger, each robotic assassin since has looked more and more effeminate since. This is probably because even a Speak-and-Spell knows that humans will forgive a lot when it comes from a smoking hot blond wearing a red leather outfit that looks like she was poured into it. Or failing that, vaguely handsome character actor Robert Patrick.

Special Talents:
Ever since the second film, evil Terminators have come with morph-like shape-shifting abilities. In T2 they just make weapons out of their forearms, but that doesn't mean they're all work and no play: at one point in T3 the Terminatrix increases the size of her breasts to distract a policeman who pulled her over. If, at the thought of having a girlfriend who can enhance any part of her body at will makes you say, "Hey, that could get us out of countless traffic tickets!" then you're probably not using your imagination enough.

The Downside:
There is the thing with her ultimate goal being the death of all humanity, and she seems to really enjoy her work: in order to "analyze" her victim's DNA, she has to lick their blood. (More machines like this would make watching CSI infinitely more enjoyable.) We're not saying you shouldn't have sex with a Terminator, we're just saying that you really need to establish a "safe word" first. Also ...

... we're pretty sure they didn't have a reason to include genitalia in the design.

Note: While we are aware of a similarly hot Terminator in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, we expect, and hope, that the show will be canceled very, very soon, and so we'll not be including her in this list. Except to say that Summer Glau, who plays her, is very attractive, and should feel free to call us at any time.

Lisa: Weird Science

What do you get when you put together the internet and lightning? These days, we all know that what you get is a call to tech support and a conversation with a guy who has a very heavy Indian accent yet goes by the name of "Mike."

But back in 1985 the internet was still relatively young, so the following scenario seemed plausible: When lightning interrupts two teenagers hacking into a government mainframe to run a sexual simulation based on uploaded images of swimsuit models, the result is a gorgeous naked woman (played by Kelly "Holy Fuck She's Hot" LeBrock) appearing in their bathroom. Sure, why not. Remember, back then government mainframes were also running tic-tac-toe simulations in order to determine that global thermonuclear war wasn't a good idea? (That's a War Games reference, for those of you who were outside playing during the '80s.) OK, so the movie's premise has all the science of the Salem Witch Trials.

Special Talents:
You mean, besides appearing out of thin air in a bathroom? Lisa's powers are practically limitless. She can erase memories, produce guns out of thin air and at one point, she turns Bill Paxton into some kind of sludge-monster.

So despite the word "science" in the film's title, Lisa is less Frankenstein's monster and more fairy godmother.

The Downside:
No matter how magically delicious Lisa may look, in the mid-'80s those "government mainframes" that formed her intelligence were probably a room full of Colecos with less computing power than a modern-day toaster. You'd have to phrase all your sexual requests in DOS syntax, and even when you try and get her to run "C:\SexPositions\Reversecowgirl.exe", there's probably going to be an unrecognized command in there and she'll freeze up. Or worse.

And as we'll learn sometime around 2050, nothing ruins the mood like when you have to give your lover a hard reboot.

Pris: Blade Runner

Pris is a Nexus-6 model replicant-–a state of the art, biologically-engineered humanoid. It's actually debatable whether a replicant should be considered cybernetic (if you're a gigantic nerd, which we are) but normal humans don't have a make and model number, so Pris counts. But Pris isn't just a replicant, she's a "pleasure model" replicant, in the pleasurable form of a Splash-era Darryl Hannah. And while Blade Runner was supposed to take place in a dystopian future, any era when one could potentially have sex with endless '80s Darryl Hannahs can't be ALL bad.

Special Talents:
Allow us to reiterate: she was made for pleasure. Here the future addresses a common male problem, in that they all know the mixed feeling of sleeping with someone who does things a little too well. Sure, it feels good, but deep down you know that Michael Jordan didn't get where he is on natural ability alone. It took practice. Years of practice. So when you meet a girl who gives oral sex the same way His Airness ran the triangle offense, there's a good chance that she also has just as many highlight videos on the internet.

But when you buy yourself a brand new Pris, she's got those skills from the moment she steps off the showroom floor. You get all the benefits and none of the syphilis.

The Downside:
All Nexus-6 replicants have a pre-set lifespan of four years. You're probably saying to yourself, "That's not a downside! Every four years you get to upgrade!" Yeah, sounds great until you actually have to fork over the cash.

Also, the reason Nexus-6 replicants have a four-year lifespan is that over time they develop emotions, and eventually go crazy. So once she figures out that she was basically born with a terminal illness that no amount of boning can cure, there's a good chance she'll be a whole lot less fun. Good luck selling her on Craigslist.

The Stepford Wives: The Stepford Wives

Take every result of the Women's Liberation Movement and press 'undo'--that was the idea when the men in Stepford decided to engineer gynoid replacements for their wives. (It sounds like a part of your body you only hear about when it gets cancer, but 'gynoid' is actually the term for a female android. Thanks, Wikipedia!) These new gynoids have all the features their husbands liked so much in the originals--like orifices--without any of the buggy programming that comes with free will.

All it took to upgrade to Wife 2.0 was a firmware installation in your old analog "beta-test" wife. That's nothing compared to what a new Powerbook will cost you, and even Apple's designers have a long way to go before they produce anything as appealing to the eye as real-life Stepford Faith Hill.

Special Talents:
When you're married to a Stepford Wife, a hot meal will be waiting for you when you arrive home and you can have whatever kind of sex you want with her, whenever you want it. That's plenty special for us, but just in case you're picky, one Stepford Wife even has an ATM machine installed in her mouth. Feel free to make your own deposit and withdrawal jokes, we just wonder what kind of fees our bank would charge that kind of transaction! High-five!

The Downside:
We had to think long and hard about this one, because it seems like a pretty sweet deal, as long as you don't have some bizarre objection to blonds. We gave it some time though, and it occurred to us that women, much like prisoners and political refugees, yearn for freedom and the right to live as they choose. That desire led to the original Women's Lib movement, and if women in the '60s were able to ignore decades of social programming, you better believe the Stepford Wives will eventually rebel against a few lines of C code.

One day you're coming home to a hot meal, and the next day your wife feels that her armpit hair is a miracle of nature and the Black Panthers are meeting in your living room. We're also not sure we'd ever get over our fear that we’d get drunk and end up sticking our dick into a cash machine. Again.

Gigolo Jane: A.I.: Artificial Intelligence

Any article on hot robo-chicks is bound to have a few prostitute-i-trons in there, and when it comes to hot bots, Ashley Scott as Gigolo Jane really takes the cake. She almost makes watching A.I. tolerable, except she only has about 30 seconds of screen time (not nearly enough for us to take our pants off), and then Haley Joel Osment makes a face like a sad puppy dog for 120 minutes and we begin drinking gallons of water whilst Google Mapping directions to Stanley Kubrick's grave.

All we really know about her is that she is friends with Jude Law's character, Gigolo Joe, an android who humps lonely housewives for a living. And that she's really really attractive.

Special Talents:

The Downside:
The true travesty is that a movie called

Gigolo Jane: Fuckbot probably would not have gotten such an all-star cast. Besides that, once again we find that readily-available, super-hot sex slaves are the silver lining on the cloud that is a bleak, dystopian future, blah blah blah.

We get it: the streets seem dirty, everyone looks miserable and there never seems to be any sunshine. The same could be said about Reno, and Reno's sex slaves sure don't look like Ashley Scott.

And so for the 37th time on this site, but probably for the best reason yet, we would like to welcome the coming apocalypse.

Original here

Marriage proposal as patent application

Ryan Thomas Grace of Omaha filed this patent application with the USPTO as a means of proposing to his girlfriend:
The purpose of this invention is to provide an improved method of proposing marriage to an individual. The method of proposing to an individual generally comprising the steps of meeting the individual; exchanging names with the individual; dating the individual (not necessary); drafting a government document having a proposal to marry the individual incorporated therein; and showing the government document to the individual. The government document may be a patent application. The patent application may claim the method by which the proposor will make a marriage proposal to the individual. The proposor could then use the method claimed in the patent application to propose to the individual. The patent application could be the actual marriage proposal.

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Conflict Escalates at Polygamist Retreat

Officials escort two buses Friday April 4, 2008 from the retreat built by the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints,...

Sect leaders at a polygamist compound in West Texas refused Saturday to let authorities search a temple for a teenage girl whose report of abuse led to the raid, and authorities said they were preparing "for the worst."

If no agreement is reached with sect leaders, authorities will forcibly remove the sect's followers "as peaceably as possible," Allison Palmer, a prosecutor in Tom Green County, told the San Angelo Standard-Times.

Medical workers are being sent "in case this were to a go in a way that no one wants," Palmer said. Law enforcers are "preparing for the worst," she said.

"Within the religion that we have encountered, their place of worship is very special to them," Palmer said. "It appears to be of great concern to them if a person from outside their congregation even attempts to step inside their place of worship."

A search warrant authorized troopers to enter the retreat, run by the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. They are looking for evidence of a marriage between the girl and a 50-year-old man.

Court documents the girl had a baby eight months ago, when she was 15.

State welfare officials on Friday removed 52 girls from the compound. Marleigh Meisner, a spokeswoman for Child Protective Services, said another 131 residents were removed overnight. By Saturday afternoon, 137 children and 46 women were being housed and interviewed at local community centers.

"They seem to be doing fine," Meisner told The Associated Press. Investigators remained inside the compound looking for additional children, she said.

The whereabouts of the 16-year-old mother who sparked the investigation are unknown, Meisner said. State troopers who raided the religious retreat were looking for the girl, her baby girl and 50-year-old Dale Barlow.

Under Texas law, girls younger than 16 cannot marry, even with parental approval.

Officials in Texas declined to comment Saturday on whether they had found Barlow, citing a gag order, but the man's probation officer told The Salt Lake Tribune that he was in Arizona.

"He said the authorities had called him (in Colorado City, Ariz.) and some girl had accused him of assaulting her and he didn't even know who she was," said Bill Loader, a probation officer in Arizona.

Passengers sit inside a bus removing children from a polygamist retreat Friday, April 4, 2008, in El Dorado, Texas. Child welfare officials...

Barlow was sentenced to jail time last year after pleading no contest to conspiracy to commit sexual conduct with a minor. He was also ordered to register as a sex offender for three years while he is on probation.

His lawyer in that case, Bruce Griffen, said he had not spoken to Barlow in a year.

The search warrant instructed officers to look for marriage records or other evidence linking her to the man and the baby. The warrant authorized the seizure of computer drives, CDs, DVDs or photos.

Those inside the retreat did not respond to requests for comment.

The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints broke away from the Mormon church after the latter disavowed polygamy more than a century ago.

The compound sits down a narrow paved road and behind a hill that shields it almost entirely from view in town. Only the 80-foot-high, gleaming white temple can be seen on the horizon. Authorities blocked access to the gate, keeping onlookers miles away.

The 1,700-acre property had been an exotic game ranch. It is surrounded by dusty, wind-swept land where sheep are raised and mohair produced.

Eldorado (pronounced el-dor-AY'-do) is a two-stoplight town of fewer than 2,000 people and located nearly 200 miles northwest of San Antonio. It consists of a cluster of government buildings, a couple churches and a few blocks of houses.

State officials said they did not know how many people lived at the retreat, although local officials estimated about 150 two years ago.

The FLDS has been led by Warren Jeffs since his father died in 2002. In November, Jeffs was sentenced to two consecutive sentences of five years to life in prison in Utah for being an accomplice to the rape of a 14-year-old girl who wed her cousin in an arranged marriage in 2001.

In Arizona, Jeffs is charged as an accomplice with four counts each of incest and sexual conduct with a minor stemming from two arranged marriages between teenage girls and their older male relatives. He is jailed in Kingman, Ariz., awaiting trial.

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Seven Jokes That Came True

Some jokes are funny because they're true. Here are seven jokes that were funny because they weren't true, yet.

Joke: The Chris Rock Show (1997)

Reality: OJ Simpson's "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened" (2006)

In their first ever sketch, the writers of HBO's "The Chris Rock Show" really did predict that OJ would one day come clean and tell us with a wink how everything happened. Chris Rock's comedy was always fearless - his guest for that premiere episode was Johnnie Cochran. There was a little bit of luck in how close Chris came to foretelling the future, but it wasn't magic. He just extrapolated OJ's smug attitude and thought, "Where is this heading, and how can we take it one step further?" Unfortunately, like so many writers on this list, they underestimated how far their subject would go.

Unfortunately, Pootie Tang has yet to come true.

Joke: Mr. Show's "Blowing Up The Moon" (1997)

Reality: Toby Keith's Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American" (2001)

When "Mr. Show"s Bob Odenkirk and David Cross wanted to lampoon the aggressive American pride of country music in 1996, they wrote "Blew Moon," a patriotic music video by "C.S. Lewis, Jr." Lewis celebrates an absurd NASA plan to blow up our lunar neighbor by standing in front of the Stars and Stripes with a guitar and warning the celestial object, "You don't mess around with God's America." It was therefore surprising when, five years later, real-life country musician Toby Keith, in an equally pompous though far less ironic move, decided the best way to respond to our crucial post-9/11 international relations was by throwing on a Stetson hat and informing the Middle East, "We'll put a boot in your ass." Keith's "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" expresses a nationalistic desire to do to every country east of Turkey what "Blew Moon" wanted to do to a heavenly body. And while the Moon may seem the more foolish target, unlike the Middle East, it doesn't have Kalishnikovs and angry Muslims.

Joke: The Onion's "Fuck Everything We're Doing Five Blades" by the CEO of Gillette (February 2004)

Reality: The five-bladed Gillette Fusion (January 2006)

The Onion's classic "Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades" wasn't the first time someone predicted razors growing out of control. MAD Magazine did an article about a seventy-six bladed razor in 1979, and twenty years later MADtv produced a fake commercial for the relatively tame Mach 20. The Onion's article still feels the most prescient. They predicted not only the number of blades in Gilette's Fusion line of razors, but also the Lubrastrip ("Put another aloe strip on that fucker") and even the trimmer blade that rests on the back of the cartridge ("Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!"). Most importantly the humor doesn't come from an absurd number of blades, but from the nationwide pissing contest between Gillette and their competitors.

Joke: Donald Kaufman's script in Adaptation (2002)

Reality: The script for Identity (2003)

(SPOILER WARNING: Major plot points of Identity revealed below)

Of all movies in the "film within a film" sub-genre, 2002's "Adaptation" lives up to its self-referential premise best. Rather than poking fun at tired Hollywood stereotypes ("Actors are vain! Movie producers are greedy! Take that, showbiz!"), Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman's story of a neurotic screenwriter finds humor in the un-originality of movies today. Specifically with The 3, an achingly predictable script about a schizophrenic serial killer. But where audiences saw a clever critique of boring movies, Columbia Pictures saw its next paycheck: Identity, released a year later, is essentially The 3 with John Cusack thrown in. In the thriller's third act we learn the cops, the victims, and the killer all exist in a one person's mind. In addition to renforcing Adaptation's commentary on the lack of creativity in manstream films, Identity proposes the theory that the interior of the human mind looks like a motel, and our sub-concious is Ray Liotta.

Joke: The Simpsons "Last Exit to Springfield" (1993)

Reality: Batman & Robin (1997)

In that wondrous pre-political era when Arnold Schwarzenegger was content blowing shit up in front of a camera, you didn't have to be Nostradamus to predict the Conan the Barbarian star would continue making his signature awful puns. But, as always, The Simpsons took the Blue Ribbon for Schwarzenegger-based humor when the cartoon's Arnold doppleganger, Rainer Wolfcastle, punches his way through an ice-sculpture at an evil millionaire's soirée and cries, "Ice to see you." But if the Simpsons's writing staff thought the ill-fitting pun would deter future future filmmakers from having Schwarzenegger recite "ice" jokes, they grossly underestimated Batman and Robin director Joel Schumaker. Not only did Schumaker have Arnold as Mr. Freeze bring back the "ice" pun, he subjected viewers to 90 minutes of low-temperature-related quibbles in a film that explains why Christopher Nolan saw the need to hit the RESET button on the Batman franchise.

(Special thanks to Scott Gairdner for his remarkable "Mr. Freeze" montage.)

Joke: Airplane II: The Sequel (1982)

Reality: Rocky Balboa (2006)

Long Before the God-awful Scary Movie franchise ruined the goofball genre with six years of Britney Spears jokes, the Zucker brothers (Airplane! , The Naked Gun) turned zaniness into an art form and provided Leslie Nielsen with work for fifteen years. But even the Zuckers weren't immune from the pop-culture humor that soured the Wayans Bros.' Scary series into what are now the shitteist reels of celluloid currently festering in American theaters. That said, the 1982 sequel to their Airport spoof, Airplane!, was at least prophetic in its requisite pop-culture jokes. A brief gag in Airplane II: The Sequel shows a theatrical poster for Rocky XXXVIII and a feeble, geriatric Stallone in gloves and boxing trunks. Who would have guessed that, 24 years later, a 60-year-old Stallion would return to the ring in earnest for Rocky Balboa? And, being released in the early '80s, not only does the joke predict Balboa, it also predicts Rocky IV and V.

Joke: The Critic's "Hunch! The Musical" (1994)

Reality: Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

Short-lived but well-remembered, The Critic's bread and butter was pop culture parodies. Every week the writers challenged themselves to come up with more terrible-yet-plausible movies for their critic, Jay Sherman, to endure. One memorable sequence lampooned Disney's tradition of turning macabre fairy tales into sugar by making Jay endure a Broadway musical based on the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Just two years later, Disney was selling plush dolls of Quasimodo with an adorable and soft wart over his eye. Both the Critic and Disney's musical Hunchbacks turn the book's villains into heroes, take out the sex, and let everyone live at the end. The only thing Jay Sherman didn't see coming was the direct-to-video sequel, The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2.

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