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Thursday, June 12, 2008

Ask A Girl Whose Boyfriend Went To Six Flags With Someone Else

Dear Girl Whose Boyfriend Went To Six Flags With Someone Else,

I have a problem with my landlord. Most renters can't get their landlord on the phone when they need repairs—I can't get mine to leave me alone! I try to be friendly, but he's always dropping by to check in and then far outstays his welcome. How can I get him to "lord" over someone else's land for a while? Help!

Boxed-In in Bethesda

Dear Boxed-In,

Yeah, no, Paul's still gone from being away all day at Six Flags with Silvia. I mean, like, he's not with Silvia. Obviously. They just went together because her friend's got a car and they were going anyway and Paul was like "Okay, I'll go with you." You know, because he's totally into roller coasters and baseball season's over and, yeah. So, he's at Six Flags but they're supposed to be back by eight because he's going to take me to the mall to get a new bathing suit. Oh my God, he was all so excited about me getting a bikini for the Beckers' birthday pool party, it was so freaking adorable. He told me he was going to start calling me Eva Mendes because I'm so hot like her. But, yeah, so it's actually totally completely cool that he was gone all day because I had this stupid choral performance anyway and he's heard me sing like, a million times already and this will probably be the only time he can go to Six Flags all summer. We were supposed to go together, originally, but whatever. I was just there last year so I don't care at all.

Dear Girl Whose Boyfriend Went To Six Flags With Someone Else,

I can't make head nor tail of these new wireless digital meat thermometers. I'm terrified of exposing my children to food-borne bacteria, so I need something I can trust. Any advice on choosing an affordable but reliable thermometer for my home kitchen?

Cookin' in Cape Cod

Dear Cookin',

She's just some girl who works at the SoccerZone concession stand and happened to be going to Six Flags this weekend. I think she goes to St. Thomas but who cares? It's, like, a big group of people going anyway, and they're just going to all drive down there separately because Silvia had to work until two at the concession stand. That's what Paul told me the last time I asked, and I don't even care at all who he goes to Six Flags with, so he wouldn't lie or anything. Anyway, I bet it sucks for Paul to have to talk to her all the way down there. It's like two and a half hours and I know he thinks she's totally disgusting and ugly because I heard she gave Patrick Deayton a hand job after only hanging out like, twice.

Dear Girl Whose Boyfriend Went To Six Flags With Someone Else,

As a recent victim of identity theft, I'm very concerned with protecting my personal information online. I thought my "spyware" protection program would protect me, but I later found out I didn't have the best program, and didn't update it regularly enough. Is there any hope for John Q. Laptop against these vicious, ever-evolving hackers? Can going online ever really be safe? Recommendations for new, better programs needed!

Worrywart in Washtenaw

Dear Worrywart,

Yeah, hey, so I just got this picture text from Paul and I know it's nothing or whatever, but does he have his arm around Bugs Bunny or does he have it around her? It's not that I care but it's just like, Paul is really hot, and even though he's my boyfriend some girls might think that they could get with him because we broke up for those four and a half days during February break. And it's like, I trust Paul. Paul loves me, and I love him, and even though he's going to away to college next year, I know that he would never, ever even think about another girl like that. Even if she is wearing a totally slutty tank top and stupid Croc sandals and oh my GOD—is she holding a stuffed animal? Is that a dolphin? Did he win her a stuffed animal? Why won't he pick up his freaking phone already argh oh my GOD I AM GOING TO KILL YOU ALREADY.

Dear Girl Whose Boyfriend Went To Six Flags With Someone Else,

What's the most polite way to deal with an employee who's lacking in some key areas of personal hygiene? Can making suggestions about a subordinate's morning routine be considered sexual harassment?

—Grossed-Out in Georgia

Dear Grossed-Out,

It's 8:45! Where the frig is he? The mall is going to close soon and I am going to have nothing to wear to the Beckers' party because my so-called boyfriend snuck around behind my back to get a hand job from some skank. Yeah, well, guess what, Paul? I hope you had a really nice time at Six Flags, and I hope it was worth throwing away our whole life together, and I really hope you and Silvia are so happy together. Argh! You know what, Paul? I gave you everything and you just didn't care. Because you can't care. Not about anyone but yourself. Because the only person Paul Littell can ever really love is Paul Littell. Well, I hope Silvia Whatever can tutor you in math because you're too dumb to do trig. God. We were supposed to go to Alternative Spring Break together and you had to just go and ruin everything! I can't believe I ever trusted you with everything I had to give. As soon as you get back we are so over.

Confidential to Fed-Up in Philly: God, I could have given you a hand job at Six Flags!

Original here

Mitch Hedberg 2004 Just For Laughs gala


The 5 Most Ridiculous SkyMall Products Money Can Buy

Product #5:
NoseAid

WHAT IT DOES: “No need to hold the nose. By gently applying pressure to the outside of the nose, NoseAid stops nosebleeds instantly!”

WHAT IT COSTS: $24.95

WHY YOU NEED IT: Sure, you’re a good parent, but admit it: all that blood coming out of your son’s nose is GROSS. You don’t want to TOUCH THAT, do you?! Not only is it gnarly, but how is he supposed to learn how to be independent if you’re always helping him out? By using NoseAid, not only will you wean your child off relying on “mommy” for help, but you’ll also teach him a valuable lesson: Most of life’s problems can be solved with a $25 clothespin.

But NoseAid isn’t just for noses! Try using it on your own arm to make sure you’re not just dreaming about this amazing product (hint: you’re not)! Use it to hold a burned-down joint, or to pinch your little sister when she threatens to tell your parents that you’re using NoseAid to hold a burned-down joint! With NoseAid, pinching stuff with your fingers is a thing of the past!

Product #4:
A Baffling Array Of Lawn Ornaments

WHAT IT DOES: Makes your house look like it’s occupied by a complete lunatic. One with fantastic taste in decorating.

WHAT IT COSTS: $50 - $895

WHY YOU NEED IT: Are you sick and tired of animal pests digging up your prizewinning rutabagas and gallivanting about in your backyard? Maybe you need a ceramic sasquatch, 8-foot-tall giraffe, or “muscular god of the sea” to scare them away! Fed up with catching horny teenagers necking behind your tomato plants? Throw St. Francis back there to spoil the mood, or if that doesn’t work, these Ten Commandments tablets will have them zipping up and praying for forgiveness in no time!

And for you, the avid gardener and sumo wrestling enthusiast? Did you really think they wouldn’t have a product to suit your needs? Think again - it’s Skymall.

Product #3:
Hula Chair

WHAT IT DOES: “… combines the best of ancient traditional Chinese medicine with 21st century space-age technology.”

WHAT IT COSTS: $249.95

WHY YOU NEED IT: Your chair at work is great and everything, but is it good for you? The Hula Chair provides you with something most office chairs don’t: a completely passive workout. WIth its unique combination of ancient Chinese yadda yadda and futuristic space-age whatever, Hula Chair offers GUARANTEED RESULTS. What are they? Nobody knows, exactly, but they’re obviously PRETTY GOOD. With all these CAPS, can you really afford NOT to buy it RIGHT NOW?!

Hell - it even makes you look cool while you’re using it. If that isn’t enough to convince you, just think about the ancient Chinese blah-blah-blah and the holistic whoop-dee-doo and all that.

Just buy the fucking chair already.

Product #2:
Signed Soup Nazi Photo

WHAT IT DOES: Is “signed by Larry Thomas, the actor who played the infamous character in a 1995 episode of Seinfeld

WHAT IT COSTS: $199.95

WHY YOU NEED IT: You have an “offbeat” sense of humor, and there is no better way of showing it off than by purchasing a signed picture of Larry Thomas (aka “The Soup Nazi”) to hang in your office. Put it in a visible place and scream to the world, “I am familiar with a semi-obscure character from one of the most-viewed sitcoms in the history of television!” Eventually, someone with a similar knowledge of basic pop culture trivia will see it on your wall and scream back “NO SOUP FOR YOU!” Then you’ll be like, “Yup - Seinfeld,” and they’ll be like, “I love that show!” This will make you more popular around your office, which will all but guarantee that big promotion you’ve been gunning for. Before long you’ll be running the place, and people will come into your office and be like “No soup for you… right, sir?” and you’ll be like, “You think I have time to sit around quoting Seinfeld with you, Bill? You’re fired - get the fuck out of my office.”

All for a measly $199.95.

Product #1:
Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier

WHAT IT DOES: “It looks just like a cell phone ear adapter and works as a sound enhancer so you can join conversations… from 50 feet away.”

WHAT IT COSTS: $40.00

WHY YOU NEED IT: Because you’re deaf, you’re a businessman, and you can’t afford to not be able to join a conversation from 50 feet away. Let’s face it - in this business (the business of being a businessman) a debilitating condition like hearing impairment might as well be a death sentence. If a client has a choice between hiring some deaf old codger like yourself or a slick youngster with 20/20 hearing - one who can join their conversation from 50 feet away - who do you think they’re going to choose?

In the end, it all comes down to the image you want to project. You have two choices:

  • Bluetooth Headset: “I am a very busy businessman. I’m even too busy to hold my phone while I’m using it! Also, don’t you think this thing kind of makes me look like Robocop? Admit it - I totally look like Robocop right now.”
  • Hearing Aid: “What? Sorry - I can’t hear.”

    It’s your decision: Do you want to look like a deaf old man, or a dashing young half-professional half-Robocop?

    What was that? Did somebody say “no-brainer”?

    Oh, yeah - SkyMall did!

  • Original here

    Science is a Dick: The 5 Most Evil Robots Ever Invented

    By Robert Brockway

    Since Czech writer Karel Capek popularized the concept in 1921, humanity has had a charming and amiable relationship with the robot. We saw a future where helpful robots would do all the menial tasks humans would rather avoid. The only problem? Some people are just dicks, and they can build robots too.

    #5.
    Bum Bot

    What the Hell is That Thing?

    Designed by bar owner Rufus Terrill, the Bum Bot was built to shoo transients and drug addicts off his property without exposing himself to danger. Terill was deeply concerned about the plight of his degenerating neighborhood, so he decided that the most logical idea was to slap some steel, plywood, old gym mats, a meat smoker, a walkie-talkie and spare parts from a 1997 Chevrolet into a fighting street robot--a feat of technological improvisation so ingenious that it makes MacGyver seem like an Amish stroke victim by comparison.

    Though why such a creative inventor went with a dull name like the Bum Bot is beyond us. Why not load it with Peter Weller quotes and call it Hobocop? And that's just off the top of our heads!

    Why It's a Dick Move

    If you need it explained to you that inventing robots to harass transients is a dick move, you're probably strangling a drifter for cheap kicks as you read this. So, first off, way to multi-task!

    Secondly, the field of terrorizing bums just does not need technological advancements. Winter and feral dogs have that shit pretty much covered. So if you're the kind of guy that sinks enough money and time into manufacturing a robot that fucks with hobos, smart odds are that you probably find fucking with hobos enjoyable.

    We note that Terrill also mounted a camera on the robot, and streams video of its bum-fighting antics to the high definition television back in his bar. This is ostensibly to monitor its actions for safety reasons, but you can't help but to wonder if it's also so his patrons can laugh at the dramatically uneven bout between an armed robot and a drunken hobo.

    #4.
    Robokiyu, Corpse-Eating Robot

    What the Hell is That Thing?

    Meet Robokiyu, a rescue robot commissioned by the Tokyo Fire Department. Robokiyu is meant to take over the dangerous task of rescuing people asphyxiated by smoke inhalation inside burning buildings. Japan's thinking, as always, is that if something's worth doing, it's worth building a giant, dangerous, steel automaton with hooked claws to do it instead (though made less intimidating by designing it to look like a retarded Transformer celebrating a touchdown).

    Why It's a Dick Move

    Well, officials were so impressed with Robokiyu's versatility in the many tests it's performed so far that they've branched it out into several other fields ... including corpse removal.

    Now, handling the dead is a fairly tricky situation. Corpses need to be moved, handled, processed and disposed of. There's no arguing that, but seeing deceased loved ones taken away is an emotionally wrenching process. Often coroners have to walk the line between doing their job well, and treating the deceased with dignity and respect.

    We can't imagine it helps the grieving process if, after finding your father collapsed on the floor, Emergency Service Workers arrive and send a perky little robot into your house to drag his corpse into its mouth. Try explaining to your already traumatized kids that death is a natural part of life while a giant Tonka truck is eating their grandpa in the living room.

    Wait, it gets worse. They've also given it the job of moving the "dormant" peoples of Tokyo to safer locations. Dormant sounds like a nice, politically correct way of saying "passed out drunk," or maybe just "homeless."

    If you need any more convincing that this robot is a dick, try drinking a few bottles of scotch next time you're in Shinjuku and then--after waking up in a cramped, cold, pitch-black robot stomach filled with corpses--you can get back to us about our "ridiculous fears of robot domination."

    #3.
    Intelligent Surveillance & Security Guard Robot of Death

    What the Hell is That Thing?

    This is the Intelligent Surveillance & Security Guard Robot, an armed sentry 'bot by the Techwin division of Samsung. It was originally funded by the government of South Korea to guard the North Korean border, but it's now on sale to the general public at $200,000 a pop. That's a price that pretty much limits the market to rich, bored, thrill-seeking eccentrics, the exact demographic you want buying deadly military hardware.

    The Guard is equipped with ultra-high definition cameras, infrared lenses, image/voice recognition software ... and a swivel-mounted K-3 machine gun. The robot can recognize and target intruders from over two miles away day or night, and can be programmed to either fire on unauthorized intruders perceived as threats, to require a password and only use deadly force if the incorrect answer is given, or possibly just to murder drifters going for the baited malt liquor you left in the alley behind your loft.

    Why It's a Dick Move

    The Guard is not remote controlled, it's fully automated, and while that's a neat technological feat--one that's increasingly sought after in our cute robot dogs and sex-bots--perhaps it shouldn't be handed over to death-dealing sniper bots.

    Now that we think about it, wasn't there another robot back in the 1980s that was designed to serve these precise functions. It monitored the premises for intruders, recognized threats independently, used lethal force if the target didn't verbally comply--what was that called? Oh yeah, our good friend the ED-209.

    As hard as we are on the ED-209, its performance was mostly positive, with only a 50 percent failure rate that turned human beings into meat pudding.

    But of course, the ED-209 was a fictional villain, and we're sure the kind and responsible designers at Samsung would be very careful to avoid any and all similarities to a robot mostly famous for its tendency to murder everybody in the room when its recognition software fails, right?

    Which brings up another sticking point, if there's one thing you really don't want your life depending on, it's the success rate of current generation voice recognition software. Although it can be argued that some of the most advanced software in this field is now rather successfully in use all across the board--from GPS systems to customer service phone lines--the main difference here is that when you try to pay your cellphone bill and the automated system says "I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Could you repeat it?" It doesn't shoot your body into salsa.

    #2.
    Cockroach-Controlled Mobile Robot

    What the Hell is That Thing?

    The Cockroach Controlled Mobile Robot, or Cockbot as we'll refer to it from now on, is a moving mechanical platform controlled by a Giant Madagascar Hissing Cockroach.

    The roach is strapped to a trackball that translates its movements to the servos below, and surveys its surrounding environment by virtue of an array of flashing control panels and motion sensors. The cockroach naturally prefers dark places, but shies away from light, so when part of the machine nears an object, the corresponding panel lights up and causes the roach to move away thus enabling it to navigate around objects from its elevated position.

    Essentially, it's Roach Virtual Reality. Feel free to ask science why cockroaches get implementable VR before we do, although we're fairly confident we can guess the answer: Science just fucking hates you so much, sometimes it's like a fire in science's heart.

    Why It's a Dick Move

    One of the most common phobias of modern man is the fear of insects. The only mitigating factor of that fear is the relatively insignificant size and power of most insects--a factor the Cockbot aims to fix.

    Not only does the robot sport one of the largest insects in the world, but also one of the most horrifying. The Giant Madagascar Hissing Cockroach, as one may rightfully assume, emits a loud, high-pitched hiss when threatened or angry. This is enough to give most people pause on its own merits. Equip said giant, hissing roach with a mechanical battle-suit and, rational or not, the fear-center of the human brain simply shuts down all higher thought and acts on panicked instinct.

    This is plainly illustrated by the above photo, wherein a terrified businessman attempts to sacrifice his baby to feed the insatiable hunger of the insectile machine. Sure, no actual, literal harm befell the child--the attacking force of the Cockbot is limited to perhaps a sharp crack to the shin at best--but the man must now forever live with the shame of what he was prepared to do.

    Evolution, by and large, knows what it's doing. By equipping the cockroach with what amounts to an armored attack platform, you're upping the ante by leaps and bounds. It poses no threat to humans--yet--but this device does place it firmly above other insects and some smaller mammals.

    The creator says the roach has already developed a penchant for dog food. When will it realize it can scare dogs away from said food? The inventor goes on to say that it prefers the beef flavor. How long until it realizes fresh beef tastes better? The developer says the roach has also taken to the taste of baby food. We're not certain, but we're pretty sure that thing can take a baby in a fight. What if it does? What kind of dickhead wants this--a baby-fighting cockroach mech--to be possible? Why up the food chain status of a terrifying, hissing insect if not out of pure, simple spite of your fellow man? We don't know the answers to these questions, but we know who does. You can ask her yourself later tonight. In your bedroom. Just listen for the beeping. And the hissing. In the dark.

    She likes the dark, you know.

    #1.
    The Breast Massager Robot

    What the Hell is That Thing?

    The Breast Massager Robot is meant to finally replace the need for human labor in the stark, hellish field of boob fondling. No more tragic groping fatalities--the breast-massaging robot is here!

    The robot is meant to help stimulate breast growth in developing teenagers, relieve pain from sore pectoral muscles, and generally to relax stressed-out tits. The inventor also states that the breast massaging robot will help to "improve the quality of women's sex activities," a statement which makes fucking sound more like sex-bingo and genital arts and crafts. Finally, the robot proposes to assist "women who want pretty breasts." The logic being that if boobs are attractive, boobs with robots attached would be like sexual chocolate dynamite.

    Why It's a Dick Move

    If you thought it was bad losing production and assembly jobs to robots, wait until second base is outsourced to the machines. The idea that constant breast massaging stimulates growth in teenage girls is a brilliant falsehood to spread, and one we would've given anything to have thought of back in those lonely summer camp days. Unfortunately the progenitor of this beautiful, beautiful lie also has a fictional solution--one that takes that breast of hope directly out of the awkward, desperate grip of the horny teenagers it benefits--and replaces it instead with a steel bra welded to some car wash fronds and model train motors.

    If the robot was designed for complete sexual gratification, that would be one thing--that's just another sex toy. But the robot is designed only to take boobs away from men and hand them over to science.

    We suppose science can use all the breasts it can get, but really, does science have to be such a dick about it? This is no more than pure, old school cock-blocking, and that's the biggest dick move of all.

    Original here