LOS ANGELES – Former UCLA Bruin quarterback Troy Aikman completed two college courses this week and will finally graduate, twenty years after he left school for the NFL. In addition to fulfilling a promise to his mother, the NFL Hall of Famer’s story served as an inspiration to at least one teammate. Backfield-mate Emmitt Smith, who somehow received a diploma from the University of Florida in 1996, has returned to Bellview Elementary School in his hometown of Pensacola, FL, to learn remedial English.
“I first notice there was… …were some speakin problem when I got fired from job at ESPN, where on NFL Countdowns,” said Smith, “but I knew it were time to gets help when I tried to type up my resu… my res… my List of Job. Not only did my word prospector get blowed up, but my computer gets blowed up, too.”
ESPN doesn't pay Emmitt to speak. Oh, wait.
Bellview Principal Orville Burgess originally declined comment, citing privacy reasons. She eventually agreed to the following statement:
“Emmitt is functionally illiterate. The staff at Bellview Elementary and I are pleased to assist him in any way we can. Please allow him the privacy to sit in the little kiddies’ desk without public scrutiny in this brave time and please no cameras during recess. I must admit to laughing when he said that ‘Tom Brady needs to get in his lineman’s behind.’ It’s almost a shame we won’t hear any more such wisdom.”
At press time, this publication is still attempting to confirm that the school specifically banned Troy Aikman from visiting Smith due to allegations that he scared several of the little boys.
Reaction at the University of Florida, Smiths alma mater, was mixed. “We certainly wish Emmitt all the best.” said University Chancellor Dr Bernard Machen. “He may be illiterate, but he’s still a Gator.”
“Unfortunately, there were a lot of things that happened back when Steve Spurrier was coach which we aren’t proud of now,” Machen continued. “Emmitt is just one disgrace of many from that era. A little part of me died every time he went on TV and tried to speak. I just hope he’s really trying to learn this time. He certainly never applied himself when he was here. I’m actually embarrassed that this university gave him a degree. On the other hand, some moron at ESPN actually thought it would be a good idea to pay him real money to speak in public.”
In Dallas, where Smith made his fame, the reaction was unconfirmed.
“How ‘bout them Cowboys?!” hollered one fan when asked about Emmitt. When asked his name, he simply yelled again, “How ‘bout them Cowboys?”
The fan took a deep breath, presumably to ask a third time – just in case anyone within the acre hadn’t heard him – but a mysterious man in a green jersey promptly punched him square in the mouth. The man in green then described his actions as “community service.” Next, he then proceeded to grab the Dallas fans Stetson hat and pass wind upon it, presumably continuing his community service project. Upon completion of this act, he next removed the fans Texas-shaped belt buckle from his designer jeans and introduced it elbow-deep into the fans intestinal cavity, where it now resides in close proximity to the Dallas fans head. Any relationship between the man in the green jersey and the writer should be dismissed as “purely coincidental.”
Estimates vary as to how long it will take Smith to complete his remedial training, but most experts figure it will take anywhere from 4 to 6 years for Smith to un-screw himself. Smith, however, is undeterred.
“This is important to… uh, for… uh, to… me,” Smith pleaded, “Like Jimmy V said, ‘don’t quit. Don’t even quit.’ And as my grammar get better, my writin get that much more better. And if Troy can graduamate, then why nots I? I has to change the stripes of this doggone leopard.”
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