If nobody died in the procurement of my gift I don’t want it

By: Bobby Finstock

To my loyal readers,

I’ve decided to adopt a new policy in regards to Christmas presents this holiday season, if nobody died in the procurement or making of my gift I don’t want it. Now you might say that is cruel or sadistic but really what says, “I really care about you” more than the death of an innocent person? Nothing I say.
So here are some suggestions on what you can get me for Christmas.

A blood diamond- No not the DVD with Leonardo DiCaprio and the one guy that plays a native African in every movie since Amistad… Djimon Hounsou. Just a side note but how crappy of a type casting has he been labeled with? “We need a big muscular black guy that sounds like he is from Africa… Get Djimon on the phone.” The sad thing is the dude has some serious acting chops. Just once I want to see him as Joe the next-door neighbor.

Anyway back to what I was saying… A blood diamond I is a pretty sweet gift. I mean it isn’t like one or two people were exploited or killed for one of these bad boys. The diamond basically financed a war, an insurgency, or the rule of a bloodthirsty warlord so there are hundreds of thousands of people impacted by this.

Something that was stolen from a Jewish family during WW2- What gift says I love you more than something stolen from a Jewish family by the Nazis on their way to a death camp? Nothing I say.

Plus you have the added bonus of the gift probably being art that was handed down through generations of a family that was ripped apart or ended by the Holocaust. So it just isn’t a piece of art it is the end of a legacy, sweet.

Something purchased at Wal-Mart on Black Friday- You still have a few hours left but what better way to show your compassion and love for someone than to trample a man to death and cause a woman to have a miscarriage (the miscarriage note was removed from the article because apparently the mother and baby are fine) as you knock her over on your way to low prices?

That cheap blu-ray player you bought me will probably break in six months but the blood on the box will last forever and really isn’t that what the holiday season is about.

Of course if you don’t have any money to buy these gifts you can just mug someone and stab them on their way out of the store. If you are going to do that make sure it is something electronic I have enough clothing right now.

Thanks,
Bobby Finstock

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