Pedophile Nervous For First Day Of School

Worried about meeting new children and making friends, area pedophile Howard Dengal admitted Monday that he was feeling "pretty nervous" for the first day of school.

"I hope the kids at Hampstead Elementary like me," said Dengal, who spent the summer reading comic books, watching early morning cartoons, and hanging around the entrance of a local swimming pool. "It'd be nice to have someone to play with during recess."

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An anxious Dengal hopes some of the kids he knows from Little League will be there.

In preparation for Tuesday's start to the school year, Dengal picked out his favorite Batman shirt, Yankees baseball cap, and knee-length trench coat to wear. The 37-year-old then carefully packed a blue knapsack with two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and some toys.

A change of shorts was also added to the knapsack.

"Maybe someone will see me in the morning and come up and say hello," said Dengal, who claimed that he's always a bit shy at first. "And maybe if we both like the same kind of stuff, and he has dark-brown hair, we could be friends."

After finishing his dinner and practicing a few funny jokes in front of the mirror, Dengal reportedly got ready for bed around 9 p.m. Though he tried to fall right asleep, the twice-convicted pedophile said he began to get "all excited" just thinking about school.

"I bet there's going to be a big playground, and a jungle gym, and some really tall bushes that go all the way around everything," Dengal said while tossing and turning in anticipation. "Yeah, I shouldn't be nervous. I'm going to really like this new school."

The middle-aged man went on to tell himself that it's perfectly natural to feel a little nervous on the first day of class, and that there would probably be lots of kids also feeling scared that morning. According to Dengal, he plans to just be himself, learn the names of as many children as he can, and avoid getting into trouble with any of the teachers at Hampstead Elementary.

"After I get to know some of the kids, I could ask them if they like video games, and if they say yes, I could invite them over after school to play my Nintendo Wii," Dengal said. "And then later that week we could have a sleepover, and we could all watch scary movies, and try out the new camera I just got, and eat pizza until we pass out."

Added Dengal, "We could make it a secret club that no one ever has to know about."

Despite "really looking forward" to the first day of school, Dengal said he hasn't always had an easy time making new friends. The sexual predator claimed that he's been repeatedly ignored in the past, told several times to "go away" and "stop talking to us," and once had a group of third-graders call him hurtful names.

In addition, Dengal said the fact that he's always moving around from town to town hasn't helped when it comes to keeping friendships.

"It seems like every time I meet a kid I really like, something bad happens, and I suddenly have to change schools," Dengal said. "That's what happened with my friend Joshua. I still talk to him online sometimes, but it's not the same."

While Dengal said he hopes his luck will finally change this year, the registered sex offender admitted that there was one thing that still worried him.

"There better not be too many girls at school this year," Dengal said. "Last year there was, like, a hundred of them, and they were all so stupid and gross."

"Yuck," Dengal added. "Girls!"