How to punch Oasis in the face

by Chris Bucholz
In Canada yesterday, Oasis star Noel Gallagher was attacked by a fan who leapt up on stage and pushed him over. The show came to a halt for 15 minutes or so while the two brothers conferred backstage, and, I’m guessing, said “Fuck” a lot. The duo did eventually return to the stage to finish the set, much to their fans’ delight, as they were anxious to get a chance to finish Noel off. I’m kidding of course. These were Oasis fans after all, who statistically hate Oasis less than anyone else.

Here’s a clip of the incident.

For a critically acclaimed band, Oasis sure are loathed by a huge amount of people. This isn’t the first time that they’ve been attacked on stage. Something similar happened in 1994, when someone managed to actually punch Noel in the face, presumably before being swept away on the crowd’s shoulders and publicly acclaimed as the president of England.

So what went wrong this time? Instead of punching Noel, why did this attacker only manage a shove (albeit a pretty solid one.) I’ll tell you goddamned why. Laziness. We live in an age where physical activity is at an all time low. Amateur sports leagues are contracting, P.E. classes are being canceled to make room for toffee eating classes, and people (you, probably) are getting fatter. As a potential solution to this smelly, doughy problem, below I present an instruction manual for what I hope will become the hot new exercise trend/co-rec sport in the world. Like Tae-Bo, but less ridiculous and more socially redeeming.

How to punch Oasis in the face

The Basics:

1) Stand with your feet about shoulder width apart, about 2 feet away from Oasis. Turn yourself slightly so your dominant foot is further away from Oasis.

2) Roll the fingers of your dominant hand together into a ball. Clench your thumb on to the side of this ball.

3) Extend your dominant hand towards Oasis’ face, straightening the elbow as you do so. Push your shoulder forward on that side and keep the rest of your body weight behind it.

4) When your hand connects with Oasis’ face keep pushing! Your mental goal should be to reach a spot 3-4 inches directly behind Oasis’ face.

5) You’re done. Take this time to reflect upon your accomplishment, or go back to step 1 and try again.

Practical methods for punching Oasis in the face in the Natural and Built Environments:

Jump up on stage, run across it, punch Oasis in the face.

Purchase a delivery truck and paint it in a non-descript way (I like to write “Potatoes” on the side of mine.) Park it outside Oasis’ house until they leave for work, then jump out of your truck and punch them in the face.

Conceal yourself within an enormous birthday cake, wait until Oasis’ birthday. When Oasis is leaning over the cake to blow out the candles, punch Oasis in the face.

Hide within the ceiling space of a military installation where Oasis is standing guard. Wait for Oasis to walk by, remove a ceiling tile, hang upside down from some pipes and gently tap Oasis’ shoulder. Punch Oasis in the face.

Offer to teach Oasis martial arts, to help them stop people from punching them in the face. Teach them no martial arts, and use the training as a veiled excuse to repeatedly punch Oasis in the face.

Form your hand into a fist shape, and position it somewhere where you know Oasis will be moving their face soon at great speeds. This works great if Oasis is traveling in a convertible with a small windscreen, like a 1920’s roadster.

If Oasis is outdoors, in a large open area where they can carefully observe anyone approaching, consider leaping out of a plane directly above Oasis. By extending your fist at the right moment (the right moment is when it will hit Oasis’ face) you will be able to break your fall.

If Oasis is married, study the habits and appearance of their mate. At an opportune time (maybe when Oasis has fallen down bleeding, after having just been punched in the face?) seize their spouse, and replace them with yourself dressed in identical clothes. Two weeks later, when Oasis is sitting on his saddle-brown, full-grain leather Lancaster sofa, weeping into your shoulder about the sheer terror he feels at facing a world seemingly gone mad with the desire to punch him in the face, punch him in the face.

Gain access to the crawl spaces inside Oasis’ house and wait for Oasis to go out to purchase cigarettes. Remove a full length mirror and cut a hole in the wall behind it. Dress exactly like Oasis, stand in the hole behind the mirror frame, and wait for Oasis to return. When they return, mirror every action they make (practice having a terrible haircut and moping.) When they happen to examine their appearance in the mirror, punch Oasis in the face.

Set up a well respected psychiatric practice in Oasis’ neighborhood, and treat several of Oasis’ friends and family to increase the likelihood of them referring Oasis to your care. When Oasis comes to you, clad in despair and on the verge of suicide, offer to help them. During the first session explain to Oasis that to help them they must trust you. Look Oasis directly in the eyes, and make a fist with your dominant hand. Wait 3 seconds. Unclench your fist and hug them (they will be crying at this point). Oasis will now trust you absolutely. 4 months later, hit Oasis in the balls with a cricket bat.

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