Office Weirdos: They’re Worse Than You

By: Kate Carter (View Profile)

If you’re wondering whether substandard grooming will get you fired, you should read about the employee who “repeatedly raised his right buttock” and broke wind in the direction of an employee.

If you’re worried about how you’ve decorated your cubicle, you should read about the nude photos a worker at the Metropolitan Opera pasted around his office.

These six egregious workplace episodes made my skin crawl. I hope these don’t inspire you to similar behavior, but rather offer you a sense of newfound freedom in your harmless acts of deviousness around the office.

Operation Flatulence
A forty-three-year-old mother of three, Theresa Bailey, filed suit after being accosted by male staff of Selectabase, a direct marketing firm in Deal, Kent. According to a Daily Mail story, Bailey wrote a letter to the company director, saying, “The number of times the person at my side would lift up his bottom off the chair and fart and think it’s funny is unreal.” Among other offenses, the “laddish” coworkers told her to wear an “I’m simple” badge when she had computer problems and threw a beach ball at her head. The court awarded Bailey $5,000 pounds.

Crotch Sniffing Is No Big Deal
Believe it or not, a 2000 case, Mendoza vs. Borden Inc., found that the behavior of a supervisor who followed her constantly, stared at her, and made sniffing noises while looking at her crotch did not qualify as sexual harassment. As described in the court’s written opinion, Mendoza testified: “I was making copies. I felt somebody watching me. I looked directly to my right. He was sitting at a chair in the conference room, which is approximately twenty, twenty-five feet away from me, at a chair at the end of the table. And he looked at me up and down, and stopped in my groin area and made a (indicating) sniffing motion.”

Nudie Pictures Are Fine
In a case involving one of the nation’s classiest and most elite institutions, the Metropolitan Opera Association, Martha Ellen Brennan sued because a male coworker (and office mate) erected racy pictures of nude men. The case was decided in the Met’s favor, however, because the court found that the pictures could not be characterized as physically threatening or humiliating. So next time you’re thinking twice about what is appropriate to put up around your office, just think of the Met and have fun.

Tell It Like It Is
In Shepherd v. Comptroller of Public Accounts of the State of Texas, Debra Jean Shepherd alleged that a coworker told her “your elbows are the same color as your nipples,” and “you have big thighs.” The court gave the coworker, Jodie Moore, the nod, however, allowing that his statements and actions (attempting to look down her clothing, among other things) were “boorish and offensive” … but “not severe.” So as long as you’re not severe, it seems like the courts might give you the wink-wink.

Shoes As Shiny As Mirrors
In a case brought by Dawn Bantum, the first black female floor broker in the history of the American Stock Exchange, the following lewd and lascivious behavior is described: a coworker blew in her ear, stared at her and informed her of his “romantic relations with another woman who also worked on the Amex floor.” The same coworker is described in the court document as having “approached Bantum, who was wearing a skirt, placed his foot/shoe between her legs and stated ‘Hi sweetie. I wish my shoes were as shiny as mirrors.’” Couldn’t he think of a better come-on line?

Boogers, Dried and Hardened
This is inspired by a personal experience, not a court case. I started a job at the same time as someone else, but luckily I received the office with the clean desk. The less fortunate newbie, about a month into the job, happened to brush against the bottom of his desk. It was rough, bumpy, and awfully suspicious. Upon further inspection, he realized the entire bottom of the desk was covered in boogers—the previous employee had routinely picked his nose and saved the treasure for later. What I still can’t believe is that the former employee did not worry about his mucus mountain being discovered by someone else. So if you occasionally stash nose output somewhere secretive, just think—you could be doing something far worse.

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