9 Things You Should Have in Your Home, But Never Use

Globe
Impression it gives: You're worldly, well traveled, and care about things that happen in places farther than the mall.
Reaction it will get: After spinning it, then pointing aimlessly, your guest will inevitably say, "Huh, that's where Fiji is," as if they'd been wondering for a long time, but never had a globe to resolve such a conundrum.
Why you shouldn't use it: Here's an example of the directions you can get from a map: "Well, it looks like the restaurant is over here, sort of next to Kansas." You should probably just stick to Google Maps.


Criterion Collection DVDs
Impression they give: The Criterion Collection is a highfalutin company that packages DVD versions of movies they consider "important classics." Most of them are old or foreign, so just having them on your shelf makes you look like a film aficionado. A beret doesn't hurt, either.
Reaction they will get: "Ooh, I've heard about these! Do you have any Kurosawa? I've never seen his movies, but he's the only important film guy I can think of."
Why you shouldn't use them: With few exceptions, most of these movies lose their appeal after you pass Film 101. Just fill the cases with your Star Wars DVDs and trust that no one will ever find out for fear of being bored to death.


Spice Rack
Impression it gives: You have a dignified palate tuned to the finer flavors in life, and you probably didn't horribly burn the top of your mouth trying to eat pizza and ride a bike at the same time.
Typical reaction: Lots of people like to pick up the bottles and smell the herbs inside; so make sure you've opened them all at some point, and pour some of them out to give the illusion that you've used them.
Why you shouldn't use them: Show us one thing rack spice can do that Mrs. Dash and garlic powder won't take care of, and we'll eat our perfectly seasoned hat.


A Fancy Bathrobe
Impression it gives: A bathrobe that's not stolen from a Holiday Inn suggests that you care about both your appearance and comfort, even when no one is around. Plus, a man with a bathrobe could never pee in the shower, could he?
Reaction it will get: If you have a woman over, she'll casually notice it rather than touch it for fear that it might be deceivingly filthy. She will notice, though.
Why you shouldn't use it: You want it to look as clean as possible while hanging, and wearing it will only get your filth all over it. Just use a towel like a real man.


Dumbells That Weigh More Than 80 Pounds Apiece
Impression they give: Even if your arms look like you stole them from Jared Leto, others will assume you can pump that kind of iron, because who buys dumbbells they can't lift?
Reaction they will get: Put a dumbbell in front of someone and they'll try to curl it, no matter how heavy it is or how many years they've let their biceps decay into chewed gum. When they fail, they'll think you're strong. If they ask you to lift them, tell them you did a few sets this morning and are resting up for your American Gladiators tryout.
Why you shouldn't use them: You can keep a normal set of dumbbells around, but hide them when people come over. Leave the big guys out as showpieces—just make sure to dust them off every once in a while.


Telescope
Impression it gives: You're so sophisticated that you use your free time to practice astronomy.
Reaction it will get: Put a person in front of a telescope and they're going to look through it, so make sure it's not pointed at your neighbor's bathroom window. Typically they'll say things like, "Hey, I think I can see Mars!" when in reality all they can see is nothing.
Why you shouldn't use it: The only thing close enough to be interesting through a telescope is the moon, and even that should only hold your attention for about a minute before degenerating into voyeurism.


A Record Player
Impression it gives: You care about music enough that you're willing to sacrifice the convenience and practicality of MP3s for the "feel" of vinyl.
Reaction it will get: "Oh, hey! You like Hall & Oates, too? We should listen to this! Do you have the MP3s?"
Why you shouldn't use it: Yes, vinyl actually does have better audio quality than most of the digital stuff you listen to, but not when your turntable cost $3 at an old lady's garage sale.


A Safe
Impression it gives: You have important documents and valuable belongings like cash, jewelry, and limited edition plates with Jeff Gordon's picture on them.
Reaction it will get: Put someone in front of a safe and they will almost certainly try to open it by turning the dial and putting their ear up to it, as if the guys that make safes still hadn't figured out how to fix that glitch.
Why you shouldn't use it: Get a safety deposit box for the truly important stuff. The rest of your belongings can probably be replaced with a few trips to Goodwill and stops at RaceTrac.


Fondue Set
Impression it gives: No American cheese melted over saltines for you. If you're going to eat cheese, it's going to be melted in a pot and scooped up with bread on a stick.
Reaction it will get: Most people will say, "Oh, cool! I've always wanted one of those." Then they'll totally forget about it.
Why you shouldn't use it: While we're all for eating as much cheese and bread as possible, we suggest finding a way to do it with less chance of reenacting the Cornballer scenes from Arrested Development.

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