Politics, sex and religion are the three things you're not supposed to discuss in mixed company. Fortunately, if you're in a cult, odds are you get to discuss those topics as much as you want. In the right cults you probably get to discuss them while having group sex. If you're allowed to speak, that is.
Founded by a dude who appears to have stolen his clothes after a stint as an extra on Star Trek, the Raelians are one of the few cults that occasionally make the news down here on Earth.
Rael lets you know on his website that he's a Frenchman who used to be a cabaret singer and a race car driver, which realistically is slightly cooler than being a carpenter like Jesus or jolly fat man like Buddha. All of this was prior to meeting an alien named Yahweh, of course, who came to Rael to tell him about the origin of mankind as well as offering him the service of several futuristic sex robots.
Oh, hell yes. The Pope offers people holiday blessings and waves from behind bullet proof glass. Rael bangs sex robots from another galaxy. We're not saying one's cooler than the other, we're just saying sex robots are cooler than anything the Pope has probably even thought of doing.
www.rael.org
The movement is noted for such awesome things as claiming in 2002 to have cloned a human (which turned out to sort of being entirely untrue) and accusations of brainwashing via sex. Suavely balding leader Rael also has his own harem of women called the Order of Angels, who apparently exist just to bang the men and donate eggs to human cloning efforts.
Not content with all this amateur whoring, Rael also has an actual subgroup of real-life whores called Rael's Girls made up solely of woman who work in the sex industry. If this whole religion sounds like some insanely clever man's diabolical plan to wear pajamas all day and fuck really gullible women then, congratulations, you may qualify to enter the inner sanctum. Membership numbers indicate followers in the tens of thousands, most of whom were probably swayed in no way by the religion having its own skank squad.
The Cosmic People of Light Powers is a Czech cult that's more intense and has a better back story than the whole Matrix trilogy combined. The Cosmic People aren't your typical downer cult. You'll find no leaders with 100 wives who tell followers he must baptize them with his semen. But the Cosmic People do believe in an alien named Ashtar Sheran.
Ashtar has a fleet of 10 million spaceships that orbit the Earth. With that many spaceships, the odds of getting a primo suite when the time comes to leave Earth and head off for a picnic on Venus seem almost guaranteed. Score one for the true believers.
Membership numbers are a bit sketchy with the leader of the group claiming thousands to hundreds of thousands of sympathizers, while "government" sources say a couple hundred people, and hint that all of them may be mentally ill. Nonsense, we say! The Cosmos, as we like to imagine them calling themselves, are just more open to the task of understanding the truth about the infernal saurians chipping our hearts and how, as their website says, "95 percent of our physical bodies are controlled by forces of darkness." Which means many of us only control our wang, hand or some other appendage. The rest is under the control of evil lizard men. Hey, don't act like you didn't suspect this all along.
The website is full of useful information about these lizard men and various other aliens, all cleverly hidden by intense colors and rambling broken English.
angels-light.org is one of the few websites we've seen with an "Evacuation" option
It was their frequent images of flaming hearts and the terrifyingly awesome pictures of Nordic aliens which made our research team confident that space is populated by Swedish models who want nothing more than to help us destroy the lizard men, and then make sweet space love.
Understanding why your average Sunday service bores the hell out of most churchgoers, the Church of God with Signs Following turns every service into an insane orgy of pious madness and potential fatalities that puts even the UFC to shame.
You may know these people better as "snake handlers" and there could be anywhere from 1,000 to 5,000 of them just waiting to accidentally kill themselves for the Lord on any given Sunday.
Snake handlers engage in all the normal stuff you'd expect at a religious service: speaking in tongues, screaming, spasming, spinning in circles, occasionally drinking poison and, why the heck not, handling snakes. The faithful defend their extreme and sometimes deadly beliefs by saying everything they do comes directly from the Bible, specifically Mark 16:17-18, which if you add some words to it, says to bring a bunch of snakes into church.
Sure, basing an entire belief system around a single passage from the Bible is pretty out there, given that there are quite a few things in the Bible that would have your ass sent straight to prison if you were to attempt them in public. But at Cracked, we don't believe in doing anything half-assed and you can't help but admire the way the church just up and ran with the snake thing. There's even the odd death at these services. Our only suggested change would be adding the word "X-TREME" in their name somewhere.
For those in the know, of course, those deaths were just the result of people who lacked faith, faith being the universal method to prevent snake bites, followed closely by not dancing around like a drunkard at a hootenanny with a poisonous snake in your hands. And just because some people will point out the passage these churches hold as sacred, it's generally footnoted in most versions of the Bible as having most likely been edited in at a later date, it doesn't mean God doesn't want us to taunt poisonous creatures. It may mean that, but if people weren't willing to take risks for what they believe in, Jackass would have never existed. And we can all agree that God wouldn't have wanted that.
Also known as the Children of God and the Family of Love, these folks are the reason most of us know the word "cult" today. We say accept no substitute when you want to devote your life and soul to a group of societal outcasts.
Most famous for giving sex a more prominent role in their beliefs than your average Amish, the Family has a tradition of religious prostitution. While suckers at regular churches handed out pamphlets threatening you with Hell if you didn't go to Church, the Family used positive reinforcement by having people fuck you to convert you, a marketing ploy that could probably sell anything from sandwiches to shoes full of broken glass.
Since they decided to take an official stand against sexual child abuse, which they happily claim to have stopped a full 18 years after they were founded in 1968 (really, who knew child molestation was wrong before 1986?).
They also take a stand on sexuality believing that it's cool for chicks to be bi. But only if a dude is there, which is something Jesus probably would have said if he'd thought of it. Also of note: that this cult exists in the real world and not a porno, though we can only guess at what inspired it.
Like most Christian-based religions, the Family loves Jesus. Unlike most, they feel they literally love Jesus. During sex or masturbation, women are encouraged to imagine it's Jesus working his magic on them. Men, as you may expect, are encouraged to imagine they are women, so as not to seem gay when they think of Jesus doing them. You didn't expect that? Neither did we. But, we try to always keep an open mind.
In fact it's nice to know that as a member you'd be way closer to the Lord than most people claim to be. Way, way closer.
Cult life may get a lot of trash from the bulk of the population and the media, but there's something to be said for a group that offers you not only a kick-ass super hero team name like the Brethren, but also tips on scoring free food. The Brethren, founded by a former marine, have a history of raiding trash receptacles for sweet, expired produce.
The Brethren are nomadic, which means signing up is a guaranteed road trip to somewhere. Possibly the nearest Dumpster, but possibly Mexico or Canada with their exciting trash bins full of delicious tacos and dead moose.
They live simple lives, wanting to be like Jesus, but probably without that pain in the ass crucifixion part. Also, appealing to the lazier nature of man, they feel having an actual job gets in the way of getting to heaven. It's at this point that we raise our hands and say, "THE MAN SPEAKS THE TRUTH."
Also frowned upon are most clothes, worldly possessions and personal grooming, leaving members in brown tunics with long hair and beards, roaming the world on bicycles with backpacks like college kids trying to find themselves in Europe, minus the pot and wacky misadventures with tranny whores.
Much of life in the Brethren seems to be wandering, preaching the good word about the ZZ Top look and living without anything at all, staying in abandoned buildings and trying hard to figure out what exactly separates them from mere hobos.
Leader and non-hobo Jim Roberts
Either way, all of this means you're not saddled with the expectation to hand over a chunk of your paycheck every week, because you don't have one. You don't have to worry about cleaning your house or doing the dishes because you don't have any. No cares about paying off that credit card, since you don't any. Well, maybe you have one from before your conversion, but it's not like they'll know where to send the bills.
Having a leader you can believe in is the key to any good cult. Luckily, the House of Yahweh has Buffalo Bill Hawkins. And Buffalo Bill has a YouTube account.
Unlike popular religions which try to bore us with things like scripture and goodness, the House of Yahweh is all about making sure we know what the fuck is going wrong out there in the world. For instance, did you know Satan is a woman who appoints all political and religious leaders, with the probable exception of Buffalo Bill? Or that by mid-2001 80 percent of the world's population will be killed by a nuclear war and then it won't rain for over 1,000 days? And when Y2K hits, you better make sure you're on the right side of Jesus or you're gonna be so screwed.
Bill's book, The Nuclear Baby. Cover art by '80s-era Megadeth.
Fortunately, Buffalo Bill is a prophet so while those Catholics are caught on the toilet when the Rapture hits, he will have found all of his followers the right mountain top to stand on to make it easier on God to take us all away and we will have all had time to have some snacks and pee before it happens.
While some might argue that, as a prophet, maybe his dates should make sense or maybe he should have known he was about to be arrested for bigamy back in February of 2008, we believe this is probably all just part of the master plan. Look at the video again. There's totally a master plan.
No comments:
Post a Comment