Drunk Dialing for Dummies

By: Salma Rumman (View Profile)

What is it about taking fifteen tequila shots and dancing on the bar to “Pour Some Sugar on Me” that automatically makes you turn to your trusty cell phone? Is it really a good idea to call the ex you haven’t spoken to for five years or your current love interest for some sloppy late night lovin’? We’ve all done it. And we’ll continue to do it as long as the tequila flows and cheesy songs remind us of losing our virginity in the backseat of a Chevy pickup. But drinking and dialing can get a little messy, and there are a few guidelines to follow for specific situations that may help preserve a tiny bit of dignity. Or not.

Bone Me over Beer.
Some relationships begin while under the influence and never seem to leave this turf. They satisfy that horny feeling when one is drunk. These relationships are unstable at best, but they’re always ripe for a drunk dialing should the two of you be libating separately.

“Hey.”

“Man, I’m so wasted.”

“Me too.”

“See you in ten minutes?”

“Actually, I’m outside your door.”

In this situation, call as often as your libido will allow. But if you start daydreaming about trips to the lake, meeting the parents, and white picket fences, stop calling after eight Mojitos.

I Want the Bone Back.
If you’re the dumpee, a tearful take-me-back phone call is permitted, but it’s best to keep these to a minimum. If you’re only asking for boo-tay, it’s smart to have a heart-to-heart with yourself in the morning to know if you can handle the humping without the holding. If you’re the dumper, the dumpee is likely recovering and does not need any encouragement in the form of late night calls. Try something like this:

“Oh sweetie, last night was so amazing. I’m so glad you called.”

“Yeah, it was a good time.”

“Is this what I think it means? I’m so happy we’re back together.”

“Ummm … I’m actually kinda busy with work and I have this really intense Online Poker Championship coming up so … maybe we should just play it by ear.”

Conversations like this one are exactly why you should dial at your own risk. It could result in desperate Lorena Bobbit-like escapades.

I’ve Lost My Boning Mojo.
In this situation, one or both parties has essentially lost her cool at one point or another. Again, it’s best to keep all of these calls to a minimum. How do you recognize a call where one has lost his game? See if these lines look familiar:

“Hey hot stuff, what ya up to?”

“Oh god, not you again.”

“Hey, do you mind if I stop by? I was just in the neighborhood … I had a few, okay maybe ten, drinks and I thought ...”

“Sorry, I’m pretty busy. There’s a Star Trek marathon on and it’s really exciting.”

“You are so cute with your Star Trek ... I LOVE you. Do you love me? You’re so beautiful; I want to make sweet love to you while listening to Kenny G. Will you marry me ... wait don’t hang up!”

“Sorry gotta go. By the way I’m moving to Djibouti tomorrow.”

If you know you’ve lost your mojo, give your phone to a friend, or better yet, throw it off a bridge.

Boning for Life.
This makes the drunk dial null and void; often, one party is just in need of a ride.

“Hi sweetheart, I’m a little drunk. Do you think you can pick me up from this bar? Everyone here is so dull and I can’t stop thinking about you because I love you so much. Let’s scatter rose petals on the bed and light candles and make love.”

“Oh hey honey ... I’m just on the toilet. Give me, like ... half an hour.”

The rules for drunk dialing are pretty self-explanatory. Basically, if you’re too tanked to play by the rules, just be content playing with yourself that night. However, the rules for receiving a drunk dial require a little more finesse (and possibly a slight Bacardi buzz).

Rules for Receiving a Drunk Dial.

1. If interested romantically in the offender, consider it flattery.

2. You have to take it with a grain of salt, especially if this is a male calling a female. If he proposed, you may want to confirm in sobriety. “Will you marry me?” could really mean “Will you sleep with me?” Not to mention that “You’re beautiful” could really mean “Show me your tits.”

3. Being sober on the receiving end of a drunk dial is not as fun as being the dialer. If you choose to indulge the dialer, try to get yourself on the same page as your partner. (Read: take another tequila shot and don’t be such a teetotaler.)

4. If this is a friendly matter and someone is confessing how wonderful you are and how much he loves you, just gracefully accept the compliments and throw a few back if you can. You are not obligated to say, “I love you” as many times as he does.

5. What’s said on an angry drunk dial may be retracted from the records of either party. That’s the beauty of it all. If you don’t remember it, it never happened.

6. Texting is your own internal regulation system—and it’s a much safer bet. But your message may not be clear and could be lost. Spelling will not be graded but may be judged, i.e., “Wgat r u foin rite now! Cum ovr?” Freudian slip? Possibly. Or possibly just supreme idiocy.

For those who want to avoid the drunk dial, the booty call, and the drunk text altogether, you can check out the sobriety phones that manufacturers are now building. They include breathalyzers to restrict phone use during times of impairment.

For your own good, stick to these tried and tested rules. If you’re ever in a drunk dialing dilemma, remember: breathe deeply, relax, take a drink, have another drink, and know that it will all be a blurry memory tomorrow.

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