Why I'll Never Make Digg Popular

Fuck it, I give up. digg / Popular, you win. The most diggs I've ever gotten on a story I've written is a paltry 26, and I haven't ever been successful at submitting a story. In fact, the only thing I've consistently succeeded at is failing to ever make digg / Popular. After giving it a lot of thought, I've realized why I will forever fail at impressing the masses:

1. I don't masturbate to promo shots of the Nintendo Wii.
2. I am the 59,752nd digger on digg, which means I have as much persuasive power as a gay Democrat in Alabama.
3. The only thing I know how to hack is loogies (wait, that's hock...hawk?...damnit).
4. I have better things to do than try to make digg / Popular. You know, like go to work, exercise, have a social life, etc. (See also Why I Don't Give a Shit About World of Warcraft)
   
5. Even if I did find a cool story to submit to digg, there's always some asshole who's up at 4 in the morning in Gary, Indiana, who's beaten me to it and submitted it first. I hate that guy.
   
6. If I did somehow manage to beat Asshole From Gary, Indiana Who's Up At Four AM, I lack the Mysterious Magic Digg Touch, so the story would get a sympathy digg from my landlord before getting buried in a sea of K-Fed/Spears sex tape stories.
7. When I'd post a complaint about my story getting usurped by said K-Fed/Spears sex tape story, my comment would get dugg down, I'd get called a moron or R-tard by 100,000 other digg users, and I'd drop to being the 60,000th digger on digg and see the new 59,752nd digger make digg / Popular. And it's that Asshole from Gary, Indiana.
   
8. At this point I'd be pretty effing frustrated, so I would start digging down every story I can point my cursor on until I eventually get banned from digg.
   
9. Enraged, I'd create 100 more user accounts and digg everything THE FUCK DOWN until Kevin Rose himself emailed me to chill the fuck out, it's only a website.
   
10. Only a website? Only a WEBSITE?!??! Spiraling into a drunken rampage, I would hack a loog at my monitor, throw my computer at the nearest child I see, then run to the top of my apartment building and start sniping every mother fucker who passes by, all the while laughing maniacally and screaming my frothy-mouthed head off, "WILL I MAKE DIGG / POPULAR NOW, YOU BASTARDS??!!??!!!!!??!?"

The story of my sniping spree would get enough diggs to almost make digg / popular until...

a How To Mod Your PS3 article gets posted...by that Asshole from Gary, Indiana. Well played, Asshole. Well played.

Original here