Open Letter To The Guy Who Stole My 11 Year-Old Piece-Of-Junk Car

Dear Sir:

If you take John Mellencamp's (or whatever he was called back then) song...read more

I don't know what attracted you to my car from the hundreds surrounding it in the Long Island Railroad commuter parking lot. Maybe it was the glimmer of metallic silver popping out from beneath the flaking bits of black paint. Perhaps it was the large piece of electrical tape covering the thin strip of what used to be plastic between the driver-side front and rear doors.

Whatever it was, something about my 1993 4-door Honda Civic with the deep dent above the left wheel well called out to you. You needed it, so you took it.

And that's okay. I'm sure I maintained my dignity walking around the parking lot trying to look like I knew where I left my car for over half an hour. When I finally realized it had left the premises without me, I became concerned because, as I'm sure you've realized by now, the car has some -- well, let's just call them "quirks" -- that you, as new owner of the piece-of-crap car, will have to deal with.

For starters, the head gasket blew just last week. Now I'm no mechanic, but, as I've been told, that's the reason why the temperature gauge shoots past the "H" and you get that nice hissing sound when you turn off the engine after a particularly hot ride. It costs about $1,100 to fix, but shop around. Maybe I was just getting hosed.

Oh, and you can't just put the key in and start the car (not that you have a key). You see, the gear lock sticks for some inexplicable reason -- alright, I never had it checked -- so you need to stick the key (or whatever you're using) in the gear release to shift out of park.

I'm sure that all of this means nothing to you because you probably just took it to some chop shop for the valuable decade-old Honda parts - assuming, of course, that the shop was local enough for you to make it without overheating.

If you do find yourself stuck on the side of the road, dig through the glove compartment -- I think my current AAA card is still in there. Maybe they can tow you the rest of the way.

So, in closing, enjoy your new possession, which I understand is now legally 9/10ths yours, and may it provide you with the cash to hold you over until you work up the nerve to steal a nice car.

I would, however, like my CDs back.

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