Cheney Dunk Tank Raises $800 Billion For Nation

WASHINGTON—Organizers reported Sunday that the 44th White House Carnival was a rousing success, raising a record $800,000,066,845 for the federal government—$800 billion of which came from a dunk tank featuring former vice president Dick Cheney.

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Cheney tells more than 200 million Americans to "throw or get the hell out of [his] sight."

According to Secretary of the Treasury and carnival volunteer Timothy Geithner, the 5-foot-deep tank has provided a much-needed boost to the nation's flagging economy.

"We expected a big turn out, but this is unbelievable," said Geithner, adding that it's tradition for the outgoing vice president to work the dunk tank. "More than half the country has already gone, and there's still about 20 million people stretching all the way to Maryland waiting for their chance to sink Cheney. We'll be leaving this booth open for as long as it takes for everyone to get a turn."

According to carnival sources, a visibly irritated Cheney, clad in sandals and a white cotton robe, arrived at the one-day event shortly before 10 a.m. After removing his robe to reveal a black, 1940s-style bathing suit, the vice president reportedly touched his hand to the water, muttered something to himself, and was then helped up the tank's ladder by several members of his Secret Service detail.

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"All right, you candy arms, let's go," Cheney shouted at the line of people, which consisted of Americans, non-Americans, out-of-work autoworkers, teachers, luminaries from the science community, gays, lesbians, military personnel, members of Congress, children, and the entire Arab-American population. "Hey [former British prime minister Tony] Blair. I see you back there. Think you'll be able to stop crying long enough to throw the ball?"

Added Cheney, "You bunch of pansies couldn't hit a barn door if you were sitting on the handle."

Records show that the first dunk of the day came at the hands of Iraq War veteran Ben Hunter, whose throwing technique, Cheney repeatedly said, was reminiscent of his own grandmother's. After being goaded by the former vice president for several minutes, Hunter reportedly struck the tank's target on his third turn, plunging Cheney into the pool below and eliciting wild cheers from the roughly 150 million people on hand.

"That felt really good," Hunter told reporters. "I mean, really good. I'm going to get back in line and do it again."

Established in 1797, the White House Carnival was the brainchild of President George Washington, who wanted to raise funds for the burgeoning new republic. That year, citizens paid two cents apiece to watch Vice President John Adams jump into a nearby pond, an act that ultimately led to the dunk tank tradition.

Although past carnivals have raised anywhere from $50,000 to $60,000—just enough to pay for the carnival itself—tallies indicate that, thanks to Cheney, this year's record-setting proceeds could help steer the nation out of a deepening recession.

"The water's great," Cheney said moments after being dunked by third-grader Sean Biller, who traveled all the way from Denver for his chance to meet the former vice president. "Hopefully your unemployed dad can afford to give you money for another turn."

Unlike Biller, who carefully threw the ball at the bull's-eye, many citzens opted instead to aim directly at the head and chest of the 67-year-old politician.

One contestant who struggled to hit the target was Sen. John Kerry (D-MA). After nearly 20 unsuccessful tries, several of which involved Kerry standing well ahead of the thrower's line, carnival officials finally allowed Kerry to just walk up and press the button with his hand.

Other carnival highlights included "Crazy Rahm's Guess Your Weight" game, President Carter's face painting station—which raised $52.75—and Laura Bush winning her third consecutive demolition derby. Still, the main attraction was Cheney, who several times sprayed the crowd with a Super Soaker, suffered an estimated 1,396 assassination attempts, and once suggested that participants with weak arms be sent to Afghanistan "to toughen up."

"I think that son of a bitch was actually having a good time up there," said attendee and former press secretary Ari Fleischer. "Much different than in 2000 when Al Gore refused to take off his T-shirt."

While the dunk tank remained busy throughout the evening, reports from the other side of the White House lawn were less favorable, with former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice having not yet received a single customer at her kissing booth.

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The Coward’s Guide to Picking Up Girls

By Jeff - University of North Texas

Does the thought of asking a girl out on a date make you sweat in a non-sexual related way? If so, you are likely a coward. Don’t take it personally; the sad fact is that most of us guys are incredibly awkward when it comes to approaching girls (unless your name is Rico).

Luckily, with a little practice, know-how and confidence, even a gargoyle like Larry King can pick up a girl way out of our league (tip #1: money helps). Here are some more tips:

Step 1: Get Over the Fear of Rejection

Many of us talk ourselves out of approaching a girl because we keep thinking, “what if she says no?” Sure, the fear of rejection can be unbearable, but so is the idea of you and your hand spending another night alone. Instead, a better question to ask yourself is, “what’s the worst that could happen?” The answer, of course, is that she says no, but is that really such a bad thing? It may sting the ego a bit, but unless this is a close friend you’re trying to bone, you’re likely never going to see this girl again. So, who cares? Besides, she probably has herpes anyway.

Step 2: Build Your Confidence

Let me say this clearly – confidence is the MOST IMPORTANT thing when it comes to picking up girls. You don’t need a chiseled jaw. You don’t need an Ed Hardy t-shirt. You don’t even need Axe Body Spray. Girls find confidence (note: not arrogance) extremely sexy. Unfortunately, if you’re a coward, then confidence is something you likely lack. If so, then perhaps I can suggest a tactic that worked for me: hit on ugly girls.

That’s right, if you hit on a girl that you are 100 percent not attracted to, then it takes all the anxiety and stress out of the situation. Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to have sex with an ugly girl. Your goal should be getting her phone number for the sheer purpose of boosting your confidence and practicing your technique. Once acquired, immediately throw the number away and go hit on her more attractive friend.

Step 3: Don’t Go to Bars

Bars have a few things going for them. For one, the girls are drunk. For two, the low lighting hinders the girl’s ability to see your face, which may work in your favor. However, this is where the professionals go to pick up girls. You don’t want to compete with them. Instead, choose a place where you feel comfortable hanging out. This goes along with the confidence business. A coffee shop or bookstore may be a good option. An elementary school, however, is not suggested as a good option for picking up girls.

Step 4: Initiate a Conversation

Starting a conversation with a girl is often the hardest part. A good way to do this is to find a genuine, non-creepy way to compliment the girl. This generally means steering clear of physical appearance. Sure, you may love her boobs, but it’s generally a better idea to compliment the shirt that’s covering them. As such, clothing is a great thing to compliment.

Alternatively, you can start a conversation by asking a question. If you’re at a bookstore you can ask the girl about a particular book she’s reading. Other situation-relevant examples include, “Have you ever had the muffins here,” “Where did you find that [item in her hand]” and “Is that powdered sugar on your chin” (see Step 2).

Step 5: Keep Her Talking

Once you’ve got the conversation started, it’s easy to keep it going. The key is to keep asking question about the girl’s interests. This works because girls LOVE talking about themselves. If the girl isn’t completely repulsed by you, she’ll likely go on and on about shopping, hair and romantic comedies for hours. If she asks questions about yourself, go ahead and answer them. However, keep the details to a minimum. You don’t want her knowing the real you until after you’ve seen her naked.

Step 6: Seal the Deal

If the girl has been talking to you for a few minutes and she has seemed relatively interested (she’s smiling a lot, leaning in to listen, etc.), then it’s time to reel in the fish. You can straight up ask her for her number or ask if she’d like to have sex go out some time. Or, a better way may be to tie the proposition into your previous conversation. Examples: “You like Judd Apatow movies too? Want to go see one with me sometime?” “Thai food is awesome. There’s a great place right around the corner. If you’d like, I could take you there sometime.” “No way! I like vaginas too. Can I see yours sometime?”

If you’re lucky, she’ll say yes and you’ve succeeded in picking up a girl. If she says no, go home and cry in your room for a while. Then go back out and try again. Don’t get discouraged, the more you try, the better you’ll get and the better your odds will improve. Keep at it, and eventually those nights spent at home alone with your hand will be a thing of the past.

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