How to Spot Atheists and Report Them to the FBI

"I don't know that Atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God."
-President George Bush

Unless you're Catholic or have been living in a cave for the last 20 years, you already know that Landover Baptist's Pastor Deacon Fred and Brother Harry Hardwick are the world's foremost Christian experts on the disease, Atheism, and its carriers called, Atheists. Both Pastors have risked infection and death to speak at countless Atheist conventions. Pastor Hardwick recently remarked as a guest on "The No Spin Zone:" "As long as there's twenty-four hour room service and they pick up my first class airfare, I'll give my 18.4 minute inspirational presentation to Lucifer himself! Besides, a relaxing walk through the parking lot outside an Atheist convention can harvest hundreds of car tag numbers for the FBI's computers. And with Mr. Ashcroft paying a dollar a tip, that can add up to a complimentary tour of the hotel gift shop, my friend."

When not bringing financially sound believers to the bosom of Christ, Hardwick and Fred dedicate their lives to ferreting out and publicly exposing hell bound, godless liberal trash. And outside of the demon-possessed folks at the mental hospital who fling their own excrement up your nose, Atheists are the worst kind of unsaved trash a decent Christian will ever have the displeasure of rebuking. Thankfully, there are not that many of them.

"I've got to tell you," says Pastor Deacon Fred, "that from what I've seen in the last few years, there are roughly 300 active Atheists living in the United States. I know that sounds like a lot of godless nuts, but I'm not exaggerating just to get your attention. Atheism is becoming a very serious epidemic because our projections show that within a mere eight years, our country will no longer have prison space to hold all of them. And that's not even taking into account the many folks who don't have the guts to admit at the family dinner table that they are Atheists, but spit in Christ's face in secret by failing to get down on their knees and repeat all the compliments He demands to hear. Most of the uncounted Atheists are in the closet and are too sissified to handle death threats from their Christian neighbors. "They say they don't believe in stuff they can't see, but they are the very same people who tell you that Ben Affleck and that harlot, Jennifer Lopez, have talent!" Brother Hardwick added, "Most of these closet Atheists are so ignorant, it isn't worth even worrying about them. Before they know it, their so-called Constitutional right to run around thinking for themselves will soon be taken away from them. My guess is that once George W. Bush comes through on his daddy's edict, that most of these selfish little renegade Atheist bastards will pick Jesus over Jail in a heartbeat."

"We are no longer talking about that tiresome 'free speech' thing," Mrs. Betty Bowers testified before a closed session of Congress last Wednesday. "The coin of the realm is rather emphatic in declaring, In God We Trust. By denying the Lord, these willful Atheists are rebuffing our nation's sacred currency. I don't know about all of you, but I can't think of anything more un-American than refusing to accept legal tender! Clearly, we have ourselves an issue of national security. As all of you have enthusiastically endorsed by default, we are now waging a Christian war against nations with gods that unfairly compete with our own. How can an Atheist be counted upon to raise a weapon and kill men, women and children for Christ? They can't! That's your answer. Every one of them is just an act of treason waiting to happen. I ask all of you, since our country has taken to killing non-Christian Arabs during interrogations, why have our own domestic non-Christians been allowed to get off scot-free? I can tell by the nodding of your heads that most of you see where I am going with this and I thank you in advance for your courage and faith."

As a result of this inspirational, secret meeting, Landover Baptist has been called upon to draft legislation to address the problem of Atheist traitors living like cockroaches in our midst. But you can do your part, too. If you are reading this, you know of a practicing Atheist in your community, and would like to report him to your local police department, we'd like to tell you how simple it is under the current Bush Administration. Most Christians acknowledge that Atheists are so unpatriotic, that they believe the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center happened because there is no God to play favorites with humanity. The truth is that our Lord loves only the United States and keeps a scorecard of folks who rub us the wrong way or don't give us their natural resources at a reasonable price. "The hills of Hades are going to be crawling with the Coalition of the Unwilling, my friends," says Pastor Deacon Fred.

In any case, it's important for you to report any anti-Christian behavior (whether it comes from Catholics or full-blown Atheists) to your local police department as soon as possible. Since the President of the United States doesn't even consider Atheists as citizens, and even acknowledges that they are a threat to our country, it should be no problem getting these so called "people" deported to France (The Home of Atheism). Please use the list below as a guide to spot an Atheist in your community.

Five Tips on How to Spot an Atheist

1. Usually Atheists are pale of skin. They spend a lot of times indoors, because they are afraid to come outside. They believe the preposterous lie that Christians are trying to kill them, when in fact, all that we really want to do is force a quick conversion or to kindly place them in a maximum security prison for their own protection from devout Christians who may try to kill them. Many Atheists will try to throw you off by spending time absorbing carcinogens in tanning beds, so it important to remember in hunting Atheists that many, if not most, have very dark skin, too. CAUTION: Do not confuse these artificially dark folks with genuine Negroes. Real Coloreds need to be watched carefully around anything of value, but do not need to be brought to the Lord, as they all unblinkingly accepted Jesus as their loving God during Biblically-sanctioned slavery.
2. Atheists are overweight. The stereotypes of typical Atheists are the trim, granola cruncher who jogs and plays racquetball or the vain hedonist, party-goer who worships only her full-length mirror, Recent studies have shown, however, that Atheists have become aware of these signifiers of their lack of faith. In order to blend in undetected with evangelical Christians, most Atheists now tend to be morbidly obese and will tell you, whether asked or not, that their enormous girth is the result of an undetectable thyroid condition and not the box of Little Debbie cakes they are holding.
3. Atheists have too many university diplomas! These folks are chock full of secular knowledge. They toss the Bible aside in favor of so-called, "research" and "theories." They spend their days studying and trying to gather facts and data to support their ridiculous scientific theories, such as evolution and gravity. Don't let it fool you, Christian Brothers and Sisters! All the secular knowledge in the world can't disprove that the reason we are all here today was because Eve got some bad advice from a talking snake! Atheists are too full of their silly "logic" to understand that only blind faith leads to sighted Truth. Why, the homo-lovers in England have already accepted that most scientists are naturally Atheists. Don't let it happen in America! Report your Biology professor – or any so-called teacher who pollutes the soul with extraneous (non-Biblical) information -- to the local authorities before he recruits your child!
4. Atheists Deceive! Atheists go under many different names, but they don't have the common sense to align themselves yet! Use this to your advantage in reporting them to the police! They call themselves, "humanists, agnostics, secular-humanists, moral relativists, Catholics, free-thinkers, undecided, Unitarians, and more recently, Brights." It is important to note that anyone who has a post-graduate degree or is interested in getting a post-graduate degree, is suspect! Also be warned, Wiccans , Vegans, Yogists, and readers of science fiction are either Atheists or on the road to becoming an Atheist. Our job as True Christians™ is to use this loophole of time under the current Bush Administration to get as many of these God-haters arrested as we can before they do more damage to our country than they already have.
5. Atheists are afraid! Even though there are as many as 300 active Atheists in the United States, we can safely assume that if recent polls are correct, most Atheists are afraid to come out and say what they don't believe. It's your job to pull it out of them. Put them on the spot. Hound them at restaurants and on cruise ships. Don't take "I'd rather not talk about religion" as a answer. Give them one last chance to save their sorry souls. Then, call the police!

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Redcoat Holdouts Still Fighting American Revolution

GREAT BROOK FARM STATE PARK, MA—In a surprising development that has confirmed a number of longstanding local rumors, authorities discovered the 32nd Regiment of His Majesty's Royal British Army still fighting the Revolutionary War in a small wooded area outside of Carlisle, MA Monday.

The disoriented foot soldiers—who in the spring of 1776 survived a barrage of Patriot cannon fire at Dorchester Heights only to become lost during the subsequent British retreat—were found by park rangers marching in the direction of a nearby Price Chopper supermarket.

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"Keep ye muskets at the ready, men," Col. Edmund Thorpe of Leicestershire was heard shouting to his troops as they prepared to cross an empty stretch of Route 225, which Thorpe claimed was a primary gunpowder supply route. "There is danger in this valley, for the traitorous coward Washington and his militia are said to camp just beyond that ridge."

Area folklore and occasional reports from nearby RV parks have for years suggested the presence of a ragged, hardy band of British soldiers still remaining from the Revolutionary War. But what was once dismissed as legend has now been verified by Walter Carp of the Merrimac Valley Historical Society, who identified the 32nd Regiment after watching its members struggle to scale a razor-wire fence near a local recycling center.

"That's them, all right—the old 32nd," Carp said. "They fought valiantly at Breed's Hill, but they never seemed to have the right coordinates when it came time to track an enemy. Looks like they might be a little worse for wear, the poor fellows."

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One of several Redcoat campfires recently discovered in the Carlisle area.

The regiment's last mention in historical records came in March 1776, when the soldiers garrisoned a small fort near the Concord River and awaited orders from Gen. William Howe, then commander in chief of British forces. Though regiment scout James Winthrop reportedly estimates that Howe is no more than 80 kilometers from their location, public records indicate the general has been in London since his burial there in 1814.

"Howe cannot be far," said Winthrop, pointing to a faded map sketched on worn hemp paper. "No more than a fortnight away."

After receiving intelligence on the foreign military unit, the Pentagon immediately dispatched F-15s from the 104th Fighter Wing of the Massachusetts Air National Guard, but the planes were called off after British foreign secretary David Miliband assured officials that the redcoats did not represent the United Kingdom.

While the 32nd Regiment's numbers have dwindled over the past two centuries due to illness and desertion, the remaining holdouts have vowed to continue fighting until the colonists' siege of Boston is repelled. They then plan to rendezvous with the King's 14th Regiment at Fort Ticonderoga, near the current site of the Diamond Run Shopping Mall, to restock on hardtack and tobacco.

"'Tis been a long and bitter struggle with our foolhardy American cousins," 2nd Lt. Henry Bertram said during a brief pipe break near the soccer field of Washington Elementary School. "Dearly do I miss my fair wife, Abigail, and our precious babe, Elizabeth, safe at home in Leicestershire. Why, my daughter must be tall as a barrel by now!"

Having survived the brutal winters of 1831, 1907, and 1999, most members of the regiment appear to believe that the worst stretch of the war is over, and that a full surrender of all colonial militias to the Royal Army is imminent. However, after spotting a number of new outposts last week in the growing Colonial Estates subdivision west of Boston, some have argued that the Americans may in fact be making gains.

"Fie on your childish speculations," said Col. Thorpe, responding to growing concerns in his ranks. "I will not have this regiment torn asunder by such cowardly prattle. Somewhere in the Province of Massachusetts Bay there is a loyal countryman in whose farmhouse we can tarry for a night. Once rested, we shall strike a final blow to the treasonous Yankees."

Added Thorpe, "By God, the jewel of the His Majesty's crown shan't be lost!"

The last reported sighting of the 32nd Regiment occurred in January, when a number of Carlisle locals claimed to have seen the redcoats loitering in or around their backyards.

"I saw some old guys in funny costumes messing around near my toolshed about a month ago," said Bay State Electronics Supply employee Jim Hicks, 45. "But when I flicked on the porch lights they ran back into the woods."

Local law enforcement officials said the soldiers are now considered suspects in a string of unsolved garden burglaries that began in 1838, as well as in the 2003 deaths of five Revolutionary War reenactors near Lowell, MA.

The Centers for Disease Control is investigating whether the regiment may also be responsible for the recent deaths of several thousand New England residents from smallpox.

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